I adapted to my new schedule and life on antepartum. I knew who was working each day. There was still the under current of fear that things could go bad at anytime. The week I made it to 24 weeks I remember meeting the NICU parent pathfinder who showed up in my room one day. She told me about the NICU and wanted to set up a time for me to come and visit the NICU and to meet with one of the neonatologists. She explained that a lot of the mothers on this unit would have premature babies that would need to be in the NICU. I refused the tour and the meeting. I was very firm in my belief that I was NOT going to have this baby early. I was going to beat the odds. I told my nurses and my family that I was not going to go and see the NICU. I knew that if I did that it would mean admitting defeat.
So, July 12th, 2010 was just another day. I was 25 weeks and 6 days. I went about my day of laying in bed and visiting with my mom and the nurses. Justin had spent the weekend with me and it was nice to see him. He was back at work until Wednesday when he would come back and visit for the day. There was nothing unusual that went on that day, I didn't even take a shower. It was coming up to 6:30 in the evening and my mom and I were talking with one of my nurses about the chickens she has at her house. I was thinking that I should decide what I want for dinner since I had to order it before 7. So, as we were talking I all of a sudden felt a trickle of liquid on one of my legs (my right leg actually since I was laying on that side). I felt my pants and there was a wet spot. My adrenaline started dumping in my system and that cold knot of fear seated itself back in my stomach. I told my nurse that my pants were wet. She told me to go to the bathroom and empty my bladder, it might have just been a bladder spasm. I asked her that if it was a spasm shouldn't I have felt something. She didn't really answer me just told me to go to the bathroom and to call her if I started leaking more. I went to the bathroom and remember sitting on the toilet shaking because of all the adrenaline I just tried to take some deep breaths to calm myself down. I got back to bed and my mom and I were silent waiting to see what happened. I knew from the nurses that if I had broken my water that the possibility existed that I could stay pregnant, but I didn't really want to find out. Exactly 5 minutes after returning from the bathroom I felt more liquid come out and told my mom to push the call button. All. Hell. Broke. Loose. It was shift change so there were double the number of nurses in my room. Towels were brought in and put between my legs and more and more and more fluid came out. I was put on the monitor to see how Bean was and to check for contractions. Blood tubing was hung on my IV to prepare for the possibility of delivery. I was put into a gown and my mom rinsed out my clothes that were soaked. My mom went into the bathroom and cried as she called Justin to tell him what had just happened. I kept soaking the towels and a pile was growing in the corner as they kept giving me new ones. I was hanging onto the bed rails like that would somehow stop this from happening. I was trying so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it. A test strip was placed in my vagina to see if it was truly amniotic fluid, with the amount that had come out how could it be anything but. I remember looking into the faces of some of these nurses and PCT's who had become my friends and they all looked so sad. By this point I was full into the ugly cry and couldn't catch my breath. I kept doing those stutter breaths that happen when you have really cried. I did notice my mom, who is a stress eater, grab a handful of lifesavers and start chomping away.
As the activity in my room slowed down slightly, as in two of the five left. The OB resident came into my room to tell me that the test was positive for amniotic fluid. He also informed me that I was being transferred to labor and delivery because I was having contractions. I was wheeled down the hallway in my bed by the night nurses. My mom grabbed her purse and followed me, she called Justin back and told him that I was being moved. I was transferred laying down to a L&D bed and hooked up once again to the monitor. Bean was so little that if I moved they would lose his heart rate on the monitor and the process of finding it would take several minutes. Justin arrived by 9 and ran into the room where I was. Once he got there the OB resident came back in with an ultrasound machine to check the position of Bean and to see how much fluid was left. He was breech and there was no fluid left. It was so awful to see the images on that screen. The doctor told me that my contractions were starting to spread out but I would be kept in L&D in case they did not stop and I went into labor. It was another very, very, very long night. Justin spent hours sitting next to me staring at the monitor screen behind my head. My mom was on the other side of the bed eating the lifesavers and calling my dad who needed to go to our house and get our dogs and cat. She also called one of my aunts to tell her what happened and to have her call everyone else on the list.
After a few hours mom and Justin got comfortable, my mom stretched out on the couch and Justin was in a recliner, I think. The bed I was on was so hard and uncomfortable that I had to keep changing positions and each time I felt so bad that the nurse had to come in and try and find Bean's heart rate yet again. The staff had also upped the flow of my IV to try and keep me hydrated, so with the increase of fluid in my system I eventually had to pee. The doctor would not let me get up and go to the bathroom and a bedpan was brought in. The nurse positioned it under me and told me to go ahead and go. Easier said than done lady, first off I have never been a public pee'er so everyone left the room. The second issue was that with the position of my hips I could not make that first step to start peeing. Finally after about 20 minutes my mom asked the nurse if I could be sat up a little bit, that did the trick. Sweet relief.
At 5 A.M. I was told that since my contractions had stopped that I would be transferred back to antepartum.
The nurses who had sent me over to L&D that night were there to welcome me back. I was given the new rules now that I had PROM'd (premature rupture of membranes). The first was that I had lost my clothing privileges, and would need to wear the gowns from here on out. I also got to wear those stylish net panties with a horse pad in them as I continued to leak fluid. Every time I got back from using the bathroom I had to call the nurse to have them check Bean's heart tones. I wore the leg squeezers all the time now that I was not moving as much and would not be sitting up unless it was to go to the bathroom. I had to tell them if I peed out anything funny. The most important one was if I felt anything hanging out of me or about to hang out of me I needed to tell them ASAP. Now that there was no fluid there was a big risk of Bean laying on the cord and cutting off the blood supply.
The three of us closed the blinds and turned off the lights in my room to try and get some sleep. My mom also asked that a note be put on my door to ask that food service or housekeeping not come in. We tried to get some sleep. I didn't really sleep as all I could think about was that I had failed and now my baby was in danger every time I moved. I felt like the worst person in the world. After a few hours the perinatologist came in for rounds. She told me that I would be going for an ultrasound later that morning.
The nurses came to get me and wheeled me up to the ultrasound room. The scan began and I could hardly look at the images once again. Tears were flowing and all this guilt kept washing over me. I heard the voice in my head that if I had been a better person, if I had lived a better life, if I had just tried a little harder, then this wouldn't have happened. It was all my fault. I remember asking about the lung development since there was no more fluid for Bean to "breathe" in. She told me that it was a good thing that I did not PROM earlier and was basically classifying me as rupturing at 26 weeks. PROMing before 26 weeks causes the lungs to be stiffer and those babies tend to have a much more difficult time breathing. She felt that since I had been given the Beta shots 3 weeks ago and that I did not PROM earlier that Bean's lungs would be more flexible. She also informed me that I would no longer have transvaginal ultrasounds and I would not be given the suppositories. Basically, hands off! She told me that I would continue to get the mag and would be getting antibiotics for the next few days to hold off infection. As long as I stayed infection free then I could stay pregnant as long as the baby was tolerating not having fluid. I would eventually develop an infection, it was just a question of when. The nurse who pushed me back down to my room told me that she was so proud of me for making it this far. That I was a good mom and was doing the best that I could. I know her words were meant to give comfort but I could not see that if I was truly a good person why this would happen. I was so worried that the baby was being squished without the cushion of fluid. I also envisioned Bean falling from one side of my uterus to the other when I rolled over.
I had just started to really get that firm, round pregnant belly before my water broke. Afterward, I no longer looked pregnant and had lost 5.5 pounds of fluid.
Rose was the charge nurse that day and came into my room to tell me that sometimes breaking your water can actually be a good thing. I asked her what good could possibly come from this. She told me that when the baby is squished that it essentially makes its own steroid to speed up development of the body systems. She also said that sometimes when the pressure of the amniotic fluid pushing on the cervix is released that it can allow the cervix to close up and lengthen a bit. Rose also said that as long as I was leaking fluid it would help to flush the bacteria down away from my uterus.
So began our new life of multiple heart tone checks each day. Each time I stood up I held my breath to make sure nothing fell out of me. Even fewer and shorter showers. I felt like I was one big ball of stress and I had a cold knot of fear in my stomach every day. It was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy.
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