I want to let other parents know that it is okay to give voice to your feelings, there will always be someone who has a story more tragic than yours, but your feelings are your own. You have a right and responsibility to take care of yourself, and do not compare your story with others and feel like you are any less worthy or deserving of help and support. Through this process I have learned that it is okay to feel sad and mourn the expectations that were not fufilled with the birth of my child.
I think my healing truly began when I first reached out for help. I really began to take steps to reclaiming my life around that time. I used the following strategies to help get my life back on track:
- Routine One of the most basic things to do to help combat depression is to structure your days. Since Oliver had arrived home my routine went out the window. I basically lived in 3 hour chunks of time. When I wasn't feeding him or pumping I tried to sleep. Once Oliver began to sleep for longer stretches of time so did I. Most days I struggled to change into regular clothes by the time Justin came home. At the end of January or the beginning of February I began to set an alarm to wake up and get out of bed. It was a simple step but it made a huge difference for me. This alarm gave me the moments in the morning when I could eat breakfast and have a cup or three of coffee by myself. I have always needed to take some time for myself in the morning to kind of get myself together. I also worked to get Oliver on a napping and bedtime routine. Prior to this we kind of took cues from him of when he was ready for bed. I began to pay attention and noticed that he got sleepy around the same time so I decided that he would take his morning nap after he had his first bottle and then his afternoon nap at Noon. His bedtime was no later than 830. Once he was on this schedule I knew more of what to anticipate during the day. When he napped I could get some housework done and relax a bit.
- Exercise Prior to getting pregnant I had always been a fairly fit woman. I enjoyed working out and seeing what my body could do. I have run a few half marathons, I have climbed several mountains, I have gone on all day bike rides. Once I became pregnant I stopped working out because my intuition or that voice I sensed told me that I shouldn't be hopping and running around because the baby might fall out. How true that was! So, add that significantly decreased activity level with 7 weeks of bed rest and another 6 weeks of limited mobility when we spent our days sitting in the NICU and you get cottage cheese body. After my C-section I forced myself to walk from my room down to the NICU, I usually got a ride back because I was too tired. I was so sore from my incision that moving was painful and slow. Once I was discharged I slowly began to get some of my strength back and after two weeks out in the world I could walk from the car to the NICU and back. My mom usually encouraged (forced me really) to walk around the outside of the hospital everyday after lunch. I was not enjoying dealing with this weakened jiggly body, add that to the depression that was creeping up on me and my self esteem plummeted. For Christmas my parents gave me a membership to the local Y so that I could start working out again. I chose to go to some beginning aerobics classes thinking that I could handle that level of activity. Ha! I barely made it through the warm up, I didn't know how I could do the whole hour class. I basically sucked it up and told myself that it had to end at some point and all I had to do was hang on and follow along. The aerobic portion was followed by abdominal work, my incision had healed well but it sure got sore when I did abs. I also joined a mom and baby exercise class at the end of January. One of my friends had told me about it and I waited to join until Oliver was allowed to leave the house. I was hesitant to join this class since I was so out of shape. Once again I basically sucked it up and tried to complete the exercises as best I could. I slowly felt my body getting stronger over the next couple of months. Attending the Y classes and the Stroller Stride classes also help to keep me on my routine. SS classes are in the morning so I have to get up and get going. the Y classes are in the evening so I have to kind of get dinner prepped before I go. These classes give my days structure which I desperately need. I still have a long way to go to get my body back to where it was prepregnancy but it is slowly going in the right direction.
- Diet When Oliver was in the NICU we (mom and I) ate the free breakfast at the hotel. It wasn't bad we usually had oatmeal and yogurt. Lunch we usually ate at the hospital, I did not make the best food choices there. Comfort food is called that for a reason people. Dinner was always take out from one restaurant or another. A few times we made the trek across the city to the new Hy-Vee grocery store that had just opened and would get huge plates of salad, veggies, and fruit to take back to the hotel. Once Oliver was home I struggled to find the time and energy to cook dinner most evenings. Take out and pizza became a staple for us. Let me say this, eating crap makes you feel like crap and look like crap. As I have gotten on a more stable foundation I have started to clean up our diet. I cook a lot more and make healthy food for us. Does that mean that we never eat pizza and Whitey's anymore? Nope, we just eat it less often, like not everyday. Last week I was finally able to get the garden planted so that we will have some fresh veggies and I need to start going back to the farmer's market to get local produce and meat. As we have been eating better I am feeling better.
- Sharing our story I feel that part of the healing process is the ability to put words to what happened, whether it is written, spoken, or both. When Oliver was first born, I gave simple updates and didn't really disclose much about what really was going on. Part of that was the fact that I was in survival mode and was putting everything away on a shelf to deal with later. This is a normal protective response that humans do for self preservation. After Ollie was home I would tell people the abbreviated version about what went on. I remember the first time he went to the pediatrician it was 2 days after he was home. He was laying naked and screaming on the scale when a mother and her toddler daughter walked behind us and I heard the mother say "oh my what a tiny baby". It took all my strength to not turn to her and say: Hewasa27weekpreemieandIwasonbedrestinthehospitalallsummerwejustgothomeoneWednesdaynight. When Oliver was first home his size was shocking, he came home below 5 pounds. I developed a knee jerk reaction when people would comment on his size. My response was always "he is a preemie". I slowly began to share bits and pieces or give the abridged version of what happened last summer. My instructor of the basic aerobics class figured out very quickly who I was, my mom worked at the Y and had put up pictures and updates of Ollie during his time in the NICU. One of those updates was hanging up in the room where the class was taking place. The instructor had us introduce ourselves and when I said "I'm Jean", she excitedly asked me if I was the Jean with the baby in the pictures. I said that I was and she announced to the class that I was the mom of that tiny baby in the pictures at the back of the room. Some people did come up to me and ask some questions after class. As I became more comfortable with his story I also became aware that some of the details might make people uncomfortable so I just kind of gave a glossed over version of the story, especially to people I did not know. Each time I shared his story it became a little easier to get the words out. When I told one of my friends that I would be starting therapy soon, she sent me a journal. She is a writer and really feels that writing can help people heal and move through difficult times. She was right, telling our story without glossing over things for fear of making people uncomfortable has really helped me let some of this go. I have also joined a support group for families who spent time in the NICU. It is a new group but I am hopeful that it will be a good support of me and all the other people who are struggling to deal with their time in the NICU and the after effects.
- Reading I have always enjoyed reading. I love going to the library and just looking through the books and deciding what I would like to read. With the depression I found it difficult to concentrate on books, I would be reading a few books at a time because I would get bored with one and switch to a different one. My therapist started recommending books for me to read to help me deal with this depression and PTSD. The one that I found to be the most helpful was When Bad Things Happen to Good People. It really helped me look at things in a different light. The author is a Rabbi so some of his perspectives are slightly different from what I was brought up with in the Christian church. I also read Man's Search For Meaning. I liked the book but found it difficult to apply to my life. I am currently reading Expecting Adam. I really like the authors honesty and candor about what she was feeling about carrying a special needs baby. I am beginning to enjoy reading again and have incorporated it into my daily routine. I always take time before going to bed to read.
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