I have been thinking about this post for awhile now, life here is a bit busy these days with two children under 2. So, finding time to write is pretty limited.
Being a mother has been so different this time around. I am more relaxed and able to enjoy Annalynn's infancy. I think the big reason for this is that I am not suffering from depression or PTSD this time. I feel connected and bonded to her, and I am not overwhelmed and shut down. Does that mean that I am not exhausted? Absolutely not. This is a different kind of exhaustion, this is normal exhaustion from having a newborn in the home. With Oliver I was mind numbingly exhausted. Most days I couldn't even get dressed and a shower took a monumental effort.
When I found out I was pregnant with Annalynn I was fearful of developing depression again. Justin was worried about it as well and we had some frank conversations about if I should resume therapy as a preventative measure. I also had some conversations with my doctor about depression. I decided that I felt like I needed to go then I would. I made it through my short pregnancy without needing to talk to my therapist.
I have found that it is immensely easier to be a mother when you are not dealing with depression and PTSD. I am able to function and make decisions this time. I do not have intrusive thoughts, I am not sitting in my bathroom contemplating what I would use to cut with. I have found that since Annalynn arrived I have not had the same feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I did when Oliver arrived. That being said I am still sad about both of my children arriving early and having to endure all the pokes, prods, tubes, and tests. I still feel some sadness when I see pregnant women and I am sad when I see chubby full term babies. This time I am able to acknowledge it and let it go a bit. Following Oliver's birth those feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, etc..would consume my thoughts and I had a very difficult time moving away from them.
I think part of the reason that things are better this time relate to her birth. We had a window of warning that she was going to be born. There was not the rushed panic with her birth. My body functioned like it was supposed to this time. I was not sidelined with a massive infection like I was with Oliver. I have been able to breastfeed my baby. Being able to do this has helped me to feel bonded and connected to her. Having gone through the NICU experience once before I felt more mentally prepared for what I would see and how things would go. I knew the routine already, I knew the staff caring for my baby, I knew who to ask for certain things. I was not afraid to jump in and be a mother to my baby. Mothering in the NICU is something I am planning on for another post. Our friends and family have been such supports for us during this journey. Meals have been delivered from our church and from my Stroller Strides friends. It helps me to get through the afternoon before Justin comes home if I do not have to spend a lot of time prepping dinner and cooking it. People have checked in with us to see if we need anything or just to chat. I have chosen to not let fear guide the decisions that I make this time. This time I feel empowered as woman and a mother, I KNOW that I can do this. I am able to enjoy my children and being a mother to them and that is a big deal.
