The baby items are slowly leaving my house. It really sucks to see them go, and yet there is an ever so tiny degree of relief that there will be no more babies. It sucks more than I can put into words, because I always thought that I would be the mother of 3 children. If you were to ask me what my mental picture of my family is I would tell you that there would be 3 children. I feel that circumstances being what they are have dictated the current state of our family. I feel like the decision was made for my husband and I, fear is a powerful emotion. Fear has been a driving force in this decision, not that feeling of completeness I have heard people talk about when they know their family is complete. I fear that if we were to have a 3rd that it would not turn out as well as the first two, and that's saying something!
With Oliver we were blissfully happy until things went horribly wrong. With Annalynn we were terrified for the entire pregnancy, but we both held a small nugget of hope in our hearts that the interventions would get us to term or damn close. Yeah, that didn't pan out AT. ALL.
Even with that and knowing what the doctors would do differently this time around, I still have this small voice in my head whispering "maybe this time..." Maybe this time the interventions will work, maybe this time I will have a take home baby (I dream about what that must be like), maybe this time I could get to the coveted 3rd trimester. Then I also think maybe this time the baby wouldn't survive, maybe this time my water would break even earlier, maybe this time the baby would arrive even earlier, maybe this time there would be more severe complications, maybe this time my husband and I would have to make heart wrenching decisions that would test our marriage beyond anything we could imagine.
There will not be a " maybe this time" anymore.
Yes, I am well aware that we could continue to grow our family through adoption. I have a few really good friends who have done that. I am not opposed to it, it is just not the right time for us. Our hands are full with two little ones who are very close in age.
Perhaps someday, some way we will be a family of 5.
