Enemies, we all have them. They are not fun to deal with. We go out of our way to avoid dealing with them. If we are really strong we learn to stand up to them and not let them control our lives. I am my own worst enemy. I know exactly where the chinks in my armor are and I can land blows with lethal accuracy. I like many people struggle with comparing myself against others, and I always find myself lacking. It is an awful way to live and feel about yourself. I have to work hard to silence my own negative voice. It isn't easy, and some days I cannot do it. I am learning to be okay with imperfection.
Next week I will be running my 4th half marathon. It is the first one since I had the kids. I have not gotten in the training miles in like I would have liked. Life has a way of really getting in the way and things come up that are more important then getting in a few miles that day. So, even though my training hasn't gone as well as I would have liked I am still going to run the race, because I CAN. There was a time in my life when I would not have run if I didn't feel like my training had gone well, I didn't want to be embarrassed by a poor performance. Now I think how silly this attitude was, I mean my first half marathon I did was truly awful, the weather was awful, my fitness level was awful, I came in 2nd to last. I beat a 89 year old woman, um yeah not the best start to long distance running. But you know what? I finished that race, even though that negative voice in my head was telling me how much I sucked at running and that I should just stop and drop out of the race. I STILL FINISHED.
I have come so far in the past year of reclaiming me and getting back on track. I am happily down almost 50 pounds, that is such an amazing number to me. When I first started it seemed unattainable, but now here it is right around the corner. I still have more to go but man it feels so good to know that much is gone.
So, yeah I am learning to be okay with things even if they didn't go as planned. I am working hard to silence my nemesis. Who really needs more negativity in their life.
Accept that we are not perfect beings and start to be happy with that.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
3 years...
3 years, can you believe it?!? It has been 3 years since we first started walking on this journey of prematurity. I can honestly say that it has been a blur. A blur of sadness, terror, and depression. But it has also been a blur of laughter, and happiness. The past 3 years have been such a trial for me. Life really almost took me down, but I am still here, wobbly at times but still standing, everyday a little stronger. I knew that I was a strong person before this but this has caused me to dig deeper then I ever thought I could, and sometimes I questioned if I wanted to do anymore digging, I was so exhausted. I have had so much help to get me to where I am today. There were times that I was so exhausted and numb that I needed someone to drag/carry me to keep me moving forward.
A great many changes occurred in the past 3 years. Most notably I waged war against some pretty relentless demons. I still wrestle with them occasionally, but I now have the weapons to win the fight.
Our second blessing also decided to enter the world very early. 17 months ago our lives were pretty much turned upside down by her. She was blessed with a fighting spirit and man does she show it. I have visions of her in ruffled skirts and pigtails standing in front of me with her hands on her hips tapping her toe to demonstrate her displeasure in something. It took her a year before she decided that sleep was a good thing.
I am still working on myself, but have come a very long way in accepting things. I am getting back in shape and dropping the weight that accumulated over 3 years. I am learning to not expect perfection from myself. There are no perfect people.
I feel like I am getting my life back in balance. I am able to find joy in everyday things. I am no longer consumed by constant thoughts about the babies and constantly questioning why. The sharpness and edginess of that are slowly being smoothed over. I do still get twinges of grief and jealousy when I see pregnant women, or hear about a woman's perfect birth story. They no longer override my joy in this new precious life, I am able to be truly happy for a woman who was able to birth her baby the way she wanted.
I still have that nagging thoughts of "what if" and "maybe this time." I am working on accepting that there will not be another baby blossoming inside of me. I still want another child, and I pray that one will find its way into our family.
I have to say that life has taught me a lot over the past 3 years. Not all the lessons have been pleasant but I have learned greatly from them.
I thank you for joining me on part of my journey. Your support means more than you will ever know.
This is one of my favorite NICU songs. I hope you enjoy it.
A great many changes occurred in the past 3 years. Most notably I waged war against some pretty relentless demons. I still wrestle with them occasionally, but I now have the weapons to win the fight.
Our second blessing also decided to enter the world very early. 17 months ago our lives were pretty much turned upside down by her. She was blessed with a fighting spirit and man does she show it. I have visions of her in ruffled skirts and pigtails standing in front of me with her hands on her hips tapping her toe to demonstrate her displeasure in something. It took her a year before she decided that sleep was a good thing.
I am still working on myself, but have come a very long way in accepting things. I am getting back in shape and dropping the weight that accumulated over 3 years. I am learning to not expect perfection from myself. There are no perfect people.
I feel like I am getting my life back in balance. I am able to find joy in everyday things. I am no longer consumed by constant thoughts about the babies and constantly questioning why. The sharpness and edginess of that are slowly being smoothed over. I do still get twinges of grief and jealousy when I see pregnant women, or hear about a woman's perfect birth story. They no longer override my joy in this new precious life, I am able to be truly happy for a woman who was able to birth her baby the way she wanted.
I still have that nagging thoughts of "what if" and "maybe this time." I am working on accepting that there will not be another baby blossoming inside of me. I still want another child, and I pray that one will find its way into our family.
I have to say that life has taught me a lot over the past 3 years. Not all the lessons have been pleasant but I have learned greatly from them.
I thank you for joining me on part of my journey. Your support means more than you will ever know.
This is one of my favorite NICU songs. I hope you enjoy it.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Welcome to the club.
I feel like this past week was "my friend just had a premature baby" week. I have fielded many calls and emails about these precious new lives born into the world early. Each time I hear about a new baby born too soon my heart hurts a little. I physically ache for these parents who are now part of this exclusive club. This club is special, it isn't one you ever dream that you will become a member of, but once you are your life will never be the same. New members are welcomed with open arms and given a lifeline that they can cling to, to weather this storm that has engulfed their life. Veteran members offer advice, comfort, a shoulder to cry on, understanding, and hope. We have been there, we have seen things that people should never see. We have felt our hearts shatter and learned how to pick up the pieces and put them back together. We have born witness to the strength of our babies, and ourselves. We have felt that weariness that settles deep in your bones when you don't think you can take another step, much less get up and pump for the next 20 minutes. We know that kangarooing isn't about an animal. A PDA has nothing to do
with teenagers making out in the hallway at school. A's, B's, and D's
aren't grades. We will support you on this journey, we will celebrate with you, and we will mourn with you because we know some bodies are just too fragile.
So, to all the new members this week, welcome.
So, to all the new members this week, welcome.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Weaning...the Great Debate
Oh to wean or not to wean, that is the question that I have been wrestling with lately. Miss A is now a year old and shows no sign of stopping nursing. I know all the great benefits of breastmilk, really I do, I don't think that I am being a bad mom because I am thinking of turning off the tap. The main reason I am thinking of closing up shop is that my lovely daughter can be a bit physical with her source of liquid refreshment, well actually very, very, very aggressive. I continue to work on her manners when she is at the bar, but she is so strong and fast that she can easily get in a few pinches, and scratches before I can gain control of her hands. Then she struggles to free her hands so that she can go back to kneading me like bread dough. OUCH! It is a comfort thing for her. I have tried all sorts of things to get those hands to behave.
So, yesterday I had made up my mind that I was done. Done with the scratches, the bruises, the constant deflecting of little grabby hands. Done with her constantly pulling on the neck of my shirts, because she feels she should have access 24/7. Done with waiting for the next pinch. Done with feeling like her plaything.
Then last night after she was asleep, I sat on our bed with the hubs and just sobbed. I thought about how she was the last baby. How I didn't really want to be done with babies in our house. Then I thought about how unbelievably hard I worked to get to this point. How I fought for more nursing time in the NICU so that I would have more of a supply for her. All those weeks of pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock so that she could eat. The weight of all that work weighed heavy on my shoulders.
Was I just throwing it away? Am I being selfish? Is it okay to just be done? Should I continue until she is at her due date? Should I continue until she is ready to be done? What if she is never done? Can I take anymore of her grabby hands?
I. Don't. Know.
So, yesterday I had made up my mind that I was done. Done with the scratches, the bruises, the constant deflecting of little grabby hands. Done with her constantly pulling on the neck of my shirts, because she feels she should have access 24/7. Done with waiting for the next pinch. Done with feeling like her plaything.
Then last night after she was asleep, I sat on our bed with the hubs and just sobbed. I thought about how she was the last baby. How I didn't really want to be done with babies in our house. Then I thought about how unbelievably hard I worked to get to this point. How I fought for more nursing time in the NICU so that I would have more of a supply for her. All those weeks of pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock so that she could eat. The weight of all that work weighed heavy on my shoulders.
Was I just throwing it away? Am I being selfish? Is it okay to just be done? Should I continue until she is at her due date? Should I continue until she is ready to be done? What if she is never done? Can I take anymore of her grabby hands?
I. Don't. Know.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
"The Bag"
"The Bag" has sat on the shelf in our basement for well over two years. I would look at it sitting there and think "I need to go through that." then I would walk away or find something to distract me. You see I wasn't quite sure what was in "The Bag", I hadn't packed it. I was sure I knew the general contents of "The bag", just not specifically what is contained. I felt like it was my Pandora's box, I couldn't put back what I saw once I opened it.
I started to think more about opening "The Bag" a few months after Miss A came home. My husband had hired a home organizer to come and give us some tips to try and make our house look less like there were two very young children and two very stressed out and tired parents living in it. She was nice and had some good ideas about various areas of concern we had in the upstairs area of our home. Then we went into the basement, which is finished by the way, it isn't some dark, and dank place. One end of our family room has built in bookshelves and on one shelf sits "The Bag". She asked about it and if it could be thrown away, I told her I wasn't ready to throw it away since I would need to go through it first. She asked me what was stopping me form going through it. I fessed up that I didn't really want to face what was in "The Bag", that someday I would be able to. She looked at me expectantly, so I shared with her our story.
"The Bag" is filled with items that accumulated during the months of June and July, 2010. I told her that this time had been very difficult and that I had recently returned from having our second preemie and that I was pretty shot emotionally. She smiled at me and shared that she had had a preemie too and she totally understood how I felt. I asked how early her baby had been, 34 weeks and spent 1 week in the NICU. I said that I was sorry that she had to experience the NICU. In my mind I was thinking that she had no idea what I was saying and that she had no idea what it has been like for us, move on to something other than the f-ing bag!
So, the other day I found a moment where both children were napping, at the same time, I swear I heard angels singing. I felt ready to open "The Bag". I mentally saw my nurses and PCT packing up my room and placing these items in this bag when they got word that I would not be coming back to the unit. So I sat there, with the Kleenex close at hand, and went through "The Bag". I remembered each item and who gave it to me. There were several cards and I read and reread each one. There were so many complex memories tied to these items, it was a little overwhelming to revisit them. At the same time it was freeing, to let go and say good-bye to "The Bag".
One more piece of baggage has been set down as I move further away from that summer.
I started to think more about opening "The Bag" a few months after Miss A came home. My husband had hired a home organizer to come and give us some tips to try and make our house look less like there were two very young children and two very stressed out and tired parents living in it. She was nice and had some good ideas about various areas of concern we had in the upstairs area of our home. Then we went into the basement, which is finished by the way, it isn't some dark, and dank place. One end of our family room has built in bookshelves and on one shelf sits "The Bag". She asked about it and if it could be thrown away, I told her I wasn't ready to throw it away since I would need to go through it first. She asked me what was stopping me form going through it. I fessed up that I didn't really want to face what was in "The Bag", that someday I would be able to. She looked at me expectantly, so I shared with her our story.
"The Bag" is filled with items that accumulated during the months of June and July, 2010. I told her that this time had been very difficult and that I had recently returned from having our second preemie and that I was pretty shot emotionally. She smiled at me and shared that she had had a preemie too and she totally understood how I felt. I asked how early her baby had been, 34 weeks and spent 1 week in the NICU. I said that I was sorry that she had to experience the NICU. In my mind I was thinking that she had no idea what I was saying and that she had no idea what it has been like for us, move on to something other than the f-ing bag!
So, the other day I found a moment where both children were napping, at the same time, I swear I heard angels singing. I felt ready to open "The Bag". I mentally saw my nurses and PCT packing up my room and placing these items in this bag when they got word that I would not be coming back to the unit. So I sat there, with the Kleenex close at hand, and went through "The Bag". I remembered each item and who gave it to me. There were several cards and I read and reread each one. There were so many complex memories tied to these items, it was a little overwhelming to revisit them. At the same time it was freeing, to let go and say good-bye to "The Bag".
One more piece of baggage has been set down as I move further away from that summer.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Happy Birthday Baby Girl
Annalynn~
Today is the day that you entered this world, it was a day of disappointment and some cautious expectations. I had wanted my delivery with you to be so different from Oliver's. I had done a lot of research during my pregnancy and was hoping for a VBAC with you. That was not to be, nor never will. I knew the moment my water broke that you would be coming soon, but not that day, mother's intuition I guess. We had a rough go of trying to keep you in and baking a bit longer. You did surpass your brother with time on the inside and that was good. I often wish that you would have stayed put a lot longer. Your father and I were sad and frightened that you were coming early, but we were not as terrified as when Oliver was born. You see we were given a choice this time: proceed with a c-section in about two hours or wait and see if my labor would stop and potentially be placed in yet another emergency delivery where no one is ready for you. We debated for awhile about what to do, it isn't easy making the decision to end a pregnancy so early and not knowing what kind of shape you would be in. You father and I decided that we would prefer to have everyone in place and ready for you and be able to stabilize you as quick as possible. Soon enough I was in the OR and we were waiting to get word that you had arrived, I saw a NICU nurse walk quickly from the room with a bundle of blankets in her arms, your father left me to be with you. I waited what felt like forever to find out how you were and more importantly if Oliver was going to have a brother or a sister! The NICU staff brought you back into the OR so that I could see you, it was a quick hello and I got to touch your tiny hand before you were whisked away. Your father and Grammy went with you to watch you get settled in your new home. It was reported back to me that many of the NICU nurses that welcomed you remembered Oliver and that made me feel comforted a bit.
After I was able to leave recovery I was taken to the NICU to see you, it was nice to see you so soon afer you were born. You were pretty banged up and swollen from not having any fluid for a week. It took your face a day or two to pop back into place after the CPAP mask was removed. You were feisty from the time you were born and your doctors and nurses often commented that you were acting like a much older baby than you were. After meeting you and getting to know you I know now that you will do what you please and will not be swayed. You were amazing to watch grow in your fish tank. You never needed oxygen and you thought your caffeine was for the birds. I was surprised that you never pulled out your tubes like your brother.
Due to your stubborn streak you almost got to stay in the NICU a few extra days since you did not think you needed to drink from a bottle, you just wanted to nurse thankyouverymuch. You also struggled with your car seat test just like your brother. We could not believe it when you failed that test the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd times. I wanted to cry at the ridiculousness of it, You were so much stronger than your brother, we thought you would pass with flying colors. Your night nurse, Meg, was starting to get a complex about you not passing. I would pace the halls of the hospital in the middle of the night because I could not just sit in the room with you counting the beeps on the alarm and waiting out that 90 minutes. The 4th time was the charm for you and we got to bring you home on April 2, the week of Easter. From the time I knew I was pregnant with you, Easter was my goal. I had hoped and prayed that you would stay in that long, once you arrived I hoped and prayed that we would be home by then.
You are not shy to let your wishes be known and loudly tell everyone what you think about things. You are your own person with your own opinions. You an not a child who enjoys going to other people. You have a strong preference to be with your mom, this has been a challenge since there are two very young children in this house. I wore you most days, both for the bonding and so that I could take care of Oliver. Your Grammy and Aunt Debbie have often told you that they are not afraid of you as they hold you while you scream at the injustice of someone besides your mom holding you.
Your brother has loved you from the time you came home. He cuddles you each chance he gets. He often asks about you and calls to you "Anna, Anna". Each morning he likes it the best if you go into his room and wake him up. Both of you love to play in his bed. You think that he is hilarious as he runs around the house. You are able to let him know when he has been in your space too long, but that does not usually cause him to leave you alone. He is very happy that you are crawling now, so that he can drive his cars and trains under your tummy, you usually get knocked over in the process. You usually retaliate by pulling his hair.
You love to pet the dogs, but you get a bit rough with their ears so they do not stay near you very often. They do hang around both you and your brother during meals since there is usually food raining down on them. You love it when you hold out your chubby baby hand to have them lick off the food. Don't worry we wash your hands after that!
You tell me often that you are a big girl and want to do the things your brother does. You now have to have a cup of milk with your meals just like his. You are a much more selective eater then he is but you never turn down Cheerios and graham crackers. You are still a tiny peanut so I do wish you would eat more, but you are slowly growing.
You are as much of a fish as Ollie. You love to take baths and have been in the pool several times. Most recently you watched your brother go down the slide into the pool and let your Grammy and I know that you wanted to do the same. You love the slide and climbing in and out of the water.
I hope that you always hang onto your strong personality as it will serve you well when you are older. But, please let your father and I guide you without too much resistance.
We love you very much sweet girl. Happy birthday!
With love,
Mommy
Today is the day that you entered this world, it was a day of disappointment and some cautious expectations. I had wanted my delivery with you to be so different from Oliver's. I had done a lot of research during my pregnancy and was hoping for a VBAC with you. That was not to be, nor never will. I knew the moment my water broke that you would be coming soon, but not that day, mother's intuition I guess. We had a rough go of trying to keep you in and baking a bit longer. You did surpass your brother with time on the inside and that was good. I often wish that you would have stayed put a lot longer. Your father and I were sad and frightened that you were coming early, but we were not as terrified as when Oliver was born. You see we were given a choice this time: proceed with a c-section in about two hours or wait and see if my labor would stop and potentially be placed in yet another emergency delivery where no one is ready for you. We debated for awhile about what to do, it isn't easy making the decision to end a pregnancy so early and not knowing what kind of shape you would be in. You father and I decided that we would prefer to have everyone in place and ready for you and be able to stabilize you as quick as possible. Soon enough I was in the OR and we were waiting to get word that you had arrived, I saw a NICU nurse walk quickly from the room with a bundle of blankets in her arms, your father left me to be with you. I waited what felt like forever to find out how you were and more importantly if Oliver was going to have a brother or a sister! The NICU staff brought you back into the OR so that I could see you, it was a quick hello and I got to touch your tiny hand before you were whisked away. Your father and Grammy went with you to watch you get settled in your new home. It was reported back to me that many of the NICU nurses that welcomed you remembered Oliver and that made me feel comforted a bit.
After I was able to leave recovery I was taken to the NICU to see you, it was nice to see you so soon afer you were born. You were pretty banged up and swollen from not having any fluid for a week. It took your face a day or two to pop back into place after the CPAP mask was removed. You were feisty from the time you were born and your doctors and nurses often commented that you were acting like a much older baby than you were. After meeting you and getting to know you I know now that you will do what you please and will not be swayed. You were amazing to watch grow in your fish tank. You never needed oxygen and you thought your caffeine was for the birds. I was surprised that you never pulled out your tubes like your brother.
Due to your stubborn streak you almost got to stay in the NICU a few extra days since you did not think you needed to drink from a bottle, you just wanted to nurse thankyouverymuch. You also struggled with your car seat test just like your brother. We could not believe it when you failed that test the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd times. I wanted to cry at the ridiculousness of it, You were so much stronger than your brother, we thought you would pass with flying colors. Your night nurse, Meg, was starting to get a complex about you not passing. I would pace the halls of the hospital in the middle of the night because I could not just sit in the room with you counting the beeps on the alarm and waiting out that 90 minutes. The 4th time was the charm for you and we got to bring you home on April 2, the week of Easter. From the time I knew I was pregnant with you, Easter was my goal. I had hoped and prayed that you would stay in that long, once you arrived I hoped and prayed that we would be home by then.
You are not shy to let your wishes be known and loudly tell everyone what you think about things. You are your own person with your own opinions. You an not a child who enjoys going to other people. You have a strong preference to be with your mom, this has been a challenge since there are two very young children in this house. I wore you most days, both for the bonding and so that I could take care of Oliver. Your Grammy and Aunt Debbie have often told you that they are not afraid of you as they hold you while you scream at the injustice of someone besides your mom holding you.
Your brother has loved you from the time you came home. He cuddles you each chance he gets. He often asks about you and calls to you "Anna, Anna". Each morning he likes it the best if you go into his room and wake him up. Both of you love to play in his bed. You think that he is hilarious as he runs around the house. You are able to let him know when he has been in your space too long, but that does not usually cause him to leave you alone. He is very happy that you are crawling now, so that he can drive his cars and trains under your tummy, you usually get knocked over in the process. You usually retaliate by pulling his hair.
You love to pet the dogs, but you get a bit rough with their ears so they do not stay near you very often. They do hang around both you and your brother during meals since there is usually food raining down on them. You love it when you hold out your chubby baby hand to have them lick off the food. Don't worry we wash your hands after that!
You tell me often that you are a big girl and want to do the things your brother does. You now have to have a cup of milk with your meals just like his. You are a much more selective eater then he is but you never turn down Cheerios and graham crackers. You are still a tiny peanut so I do wish you would eat more, but you are slowly growing.
You are as much of a fish as Ollie. You love to take baths and have been in the pool several times. Most recently you watched your brother go down the slide into the pool and let your Grammy and I know that you wanted to do the same. You love the slide and climbing in and out of the water.
I hope that you always hang onto your strong personality as it will serve you well when you are older. But, please let your father and I guide you without too much resistance.
We love you very much sweet girl. Happy birthday!
With love,
Mommy
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Baby Items...
The baby items are slowly leaving my house. It really sucks to see them go, and yet there is an ever so tiny degree of relief that there will be no more babies. It sucks more than I can put into words, because I always thought that I would be the mother of 3 children. If you were to ask me what my mental picture of my family is I would tell you that there would be 3 children. I feel that circumstances being what they are have dictated the current state of our family. I feel like the decision was made for my husband and I, fear is a powerful emotion. Fear has been a driving force in this decision, not that feeling of completeness I have heard people talk about when they know their family is complete. I fear that if we were to have a 3rd that it would not turn out as well as the first two, and that's saying something!
With Oliver we were blissfully happy until things went horribly wrong. With Annalynn we were terrified for the entire pregnancy, but we both held a small nugget of hope in our hearts that the interventions would get us to term or damn close. Yeah, that didn't pan out AT. ALL.
Even with that and knowing what the doctors would do differently this time around, I still have this small voice in my head whispering "maybe this time..." Maybe this time the interventions will work, maybe this time I will have a take home baby (I dream about what that must be like), maybe this time I could get to the coveted 3rd trimester. Then I also think maybe this time the baby wouldn't survive, maybe this time my water would break even earlier, maybe this time the baby would arrive even earlier, maybe this time there would be more severe complications, maybe this time my husband and I would have to make heart wrenching decisions that would test our marriage beyond anything we could imagine.
There will not be a " maybe this time" anymore.
Yes, I am well aware that we could continue to grow our family through adoption. I have a few really good friends who have done that. I am not opposed to it, it is just not the right time for us. Our hands are full with two little ones who are very close in age.
Perhaps someday, some way we will be a family of 5.
With Oliver we were blissfully happy until things went horribly wrong. With Annalynn we were terrified for the entire pregnancy, but we both held a small nugget of hope in our hearts that the interventions would get us to term or damn close. Yeah, that didn't pan out AT. ALL.
Even with that and knowing what the doctors would do differently this time around, I still have this small voice in my head whispering "maybe this time..." Maybe this time the interventions will work, maybe this time I will have a take home baby (I dream about what that must be like), maybe this time I could get to the coveted 3rd trimester. Then I also think maybe this time the baby wouldn't survive, maybe this time my water would break even earlier, maybe this time the baby would arrive even earlier, maybe this time there would be more severe complications, maybe this time my husband and I would have to make heart wrenching decisions that would test our marriage beyond anything we could imagine.
There will not be a " maybe this time" anymore.
Yes, I am well aware that we could continue to grow our family through adoption. I have a few really good friends who have done that. I am not opposed to it, it is just not the right time for us. Our hands are full with two little ones who are very close in age.
Perhaps someday, some way we will be a family of 5.
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