Today always causes me to stop and think. Think about what would have or might have been. I debated writing about this day, not sure if I wanted to talk about it or not. But tonight when Justin came home from work his first words to me were: "Do you know what today is?" I realized that this day will forever be burned into both of our hearts and minds. Today was the day I fought so hard to reach, but came up so very, very short. I won't say that I failed, because I know that I have never worked so hard for anything in my life (until I had to do it all again!). This day was always on my mind each and every moment I watched my son fight to survive and watching him struggle to master skills his peers breezed through. This day was supposed to be a day of celebration and blowing out of birthday candles. Instead it is just another day, and I feel somewhat cheated out of that day of happiness and glee.
Yes, my son survived.
Yes, my son is healthy.
Yes, my son is happy.
That should be enough. But today it isn't enough. Today I am sad. Today I am angry.
I am angry that every year on his birthday I will always be reminded of that hellish day he arrived. There will always be a hint of sadness in amongst the happiness on his birthday.
Today was Oliver's due date. Yet he arrived a quarter of year earlier and changed our lives forever, and in many ways for the better.
The healing from this is going to take a long time.
