Today always causes me to stop and think. Think about what would have or might have been. I debated writing about this day, not sure if I wanted to talk about it or not. But tonight when Justin came home from work his first words to me were: "Do you know what today is?" I realized that this day will forever be burned into both of our hearts and minds. Today was the day I fought so hard to reach, but came up so very, very short. I won't say that I failed, because I know that I have never worked so hard for anything in my life (until I had to do it all again!). This day was always on my mind each and every moment I watched my son fight to survive and watching him struggle to master skills his peers breezed through. This day was supposed to be a day of celebration and blowing out of birthday candles. Instead it is just another day, and I feel somewhat cheated out of that day of happiness and glee.
Yes, my son survived.
Yes, my son is healthy.
Yes, my son is happy.
That should be enough. But today it isn't enough. Today I am sad. Today I am angry.
I am angry that every year on his birthday I will always be reminded of that hellish day he arrived. There will always be a hint of sadness in amongst the happiness on his birthday.
Today was Oliver's due date. Yet he arrived a quarter of year earlier and changed our lives forever, and in many ways for the better.
The healing from this is going to take a long time.
Jean-I so appreciate your candidness with your blog entries. By your honest sharing, I'm able to begin to understand another family's journey and I am a better person because of that. (If that makes sense.) Hope you have a good weekend! See you at SS soon!
ReplyDeleteI often ask myself will this feeling ever go away. Will I ever be able to walk by a pregnant woman without feeling jelouse or sad. Will her due date ever come and go without me thinking about it. Will I be able to celebrate her birthday without the image I saw on that same day of my tiny baby struggling to survive in that incubator. I guess the answer is probably not. I'm thankful there are other preemie moms who understand that no matter how blessed u feel there are still things that hit hard.
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