Today always causes me to stop and think. Think about what would have or might have been. I debated writing about this day, not sure if I wanted to talk about it or not. But tonight when Justin came home from work his first words to me were: "Do you know what today is?" I realized that this day will forever be burned into both of our hearts and minds. Today was the day I fought so hard to reach, but came up so very, very short. I won't say that I failed, because I know that I have never worked so hard for anything in my life (until I had to do it all again!). This day was always on my mind each and every moment I watched my son fight to survive and watching him struggle to master skills his peers breezed through. This day was supposed to be a day of celebration and blowing out of birthday candles. Instead it is just another day, and I feel somewhat cheated out of that day of happiness and glee.
Yes, my son survived.
Yes, my son is healthy.
Yes, my son is happy.
That should be enough. But today it isn't enough. Today I am sad. Today I am angry.
I am angry that every year on his birthday I will always be reminded of that hellish day he arrived. There will always be a hint of sadness in amongst the happiness on his birthday.
Today was Oliver's due date. Yet he arrived a quarter of year earlier and changed our lives forever, and in many ways for the better.
The healing from this is going to take a long time.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Reclaiming.....me
The process of getting myself back into shape has begun (well it began a few months ago). It is going to be a very, very long road back to the level of fitness I want to be at. This body of mine has gone through a lot in the past two years. two high risk pregnancies with lots of bedrest, two NICU babies, and bouts with depression. These are perfect conditions for my body to expand to unbelievable proportions and to decrease my level of fitness to that of a slug.
I was working out pretty regularly right before I got pregnant with Annalynn. I felt like I was starting to get my life back on track. I was feeling good by physically and mentally. After I found out I was pregnant I continued to work out until my cerclages were placed. That procedure brought all of my upright activities to a halt. I was still able to do some light exercises for my arms and legs, but nothing can really ward off muscle atrophy when you are laying down all the time.
I have returned to the Y for some group classes a few times a week. That can be a bit of a challenge to get to consistently since I have to arrange for someone to watch the kids. There is no way I am putting my kids in the nursery at the Y. Not because I think it is bad or anything, but holy germ fest! Due to Ollie's decreased awareness in his mouth he is constantly seeking input there, so his hands or toys are always in his mouth. Annalynn is still so small that we try and limit her from unnecessary outings and groups of children. I enjoy the people in my classes and it is nice to have an hour kid-free.
This leads me to my other means of working out. Stroller Strides! I cannot say enough good things about this class. It is a preemie mom's dream! The kids are kept in strollers so there is not really any contact between the children unless you want it to occur. My friend, Emily, told me about SS shortly after Ollie came home from the NICU. It took me several months to work up the nerve to actually go to a class. My hesitation was partly due to my lack of any sort of physical fitness and partly due to my depression. Ollie was also supposed to be on quarantine to keep him healthy. I started going in February, which I know is the worst time to take a preemie out. But I needed to get out and after drilling my friend for details about the class I decided to chance it and went to one class. Needless to say it worked out really well for us. The other moms are great and everyone is really supportive of each other. The other moms kept their kids from getting too close to Ollie when he was small. He remained healthy and I got a good workout in. SS also has a once a week playdate after class so the kids can participate in a structured activity. They also have a once a month moms night out gathering. When I was put on bedrest with Annalynn the SS moms organized to bring us meals once a week. It worked out great and my husband didn't have to worry about cooking for the weekend when my mom went home. There does seem to be a misconception about what exactly goes on at a SS class, most people assume that we just walk around with our strollers. We do walk, but only to get to our next station. The workouts are as hard or easy as you want them to be. The instructors show you how to change the level of intensity. The rest is up to you.
It is my goal to be able to run my first post baby half marathon this spring. It is going to take a lot of work, but I need a goal to work toward and I think this is a good one.
I was working out pretty regularly right before I got pregnant with Annalynn. I felt like I was starting to get my life back on track. I was feeling good by physically and mentally. After I found out I was pregnant I continued to work out until my cerclages were placed. That procedure brought all of my upright activities to a halt. I was still able to do some light exercises for my arms and legs, but nothing can really ward off muscle atrophy when you are laying down all the time.
I have returned to the Y for some group classes a few times a week. That can be a bit of a challenge to get to consistently since I have to arrange for someone to watch the kids. There is no way I am putting my kids in the nursery at the Y. Not because I think it is bad or anything, but holy germ fest! Due to Ollie's decreased awareness in his mouth he is constantly seeking input there, so his hands or toys are always in his mouth. Annalynn is still so small that we try and limit her from unnecessary outings and groups of children. I enjoy the people in my classes and it is nice to have an hour kid-free.
This leads me to my other means of working out. Stroller Strides! I cannot say enough good things about this class. It is a preemie mom's dream! The kids are kept in strollers so there is not really any contact between the children unless you want it to occur. My friend, Emily, told me about SS shortly after Ollie came home from the NICU. It took me several months to work up the nerve to actually go to a class. My hesitation was partly due to my lack of any sort of physical fitness and partly due to my depression. Ollie was also supposed to be on quarantine to keep him healthy. I started going in February, which I know is the worst time to take a preemie out. But I needed to get out and after drilling my friend for details about the class I decided to chance it and went to one class. Needless to say it worked out really well for us. The other moms are great and everyone is really supportive of each other. The other moms kept their kids from getting too close to Ollie when he was small. He remained healthy and I got a good workout in. SS also has a once a week playdate after class so the kids can participate in a structured activity. They also have a once a month moms night out gathering. When I was put on bedrest with Annalynn the SS moms organized to bring us meals once a week. It worked out great and my husband didn't have to worry about cooking for the weekend when my mom went home. There does seem to be a misconception about what exactly goes on at a SS class, most people assume that we just walk around with our strollers. We do walk, but only to get to our next station. The workouts are as hard or easy as you want them to be. The instructors show you how to change the level of intensity. The rest is up to you.
It is my goal to be able to run my first post baby half marathon this spring. It is going to take a lot of work, but I need a goal to work toward and I think this is a good one.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
F you PPD
So, a few months ago I wrote a post about how good it felt to be a mother without experiencing depression. Well, depression has once again entered my life and bitch slapped me. I have felt like my life is slowly spinning out of control over the past month or so. It has been a slow downward spiral, which allowed me to ignore the symptoms for awhile. I finally made the call to my therapist and will resume my therapy. I hate all aspects of PPD, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how it makes me short tempered with my children, I hate how it zaps all my motivation to do anything, I hate the awful mood swings...the list goes on and on. It is so hard to acknowledge that this aspect of my life is back. I have struggled with feelings of shame and embarrassment when I have talked about it with my husband and others close to me. I have hesitated writing about it on here. But, this is part of my journey and I refuse to let it control my life any longer. I am dreading the hard work that is ahead of me as I begin to fight back against this demon. Fight back I will, since there is no other option.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Repeat after me: "I Am the Mom!"
In the week leading up to Annalynn's birth I began to mentally prepare for dealing with a baby in the NICU. Statistically speaking I knew it was highly unlikely that I would hang onto the pregnancy another 6 weeks to make it to 34 weeks. I knew that with this NICU stay I wanted things to be different from Oliver's.
First off I was determined to make milk for my baby. Not that I wasn't determined with Oliver, but some missteps early on had some impact on my supply.
Secondly and most importantly, I wanted to be able to develop a bond with this child from the beginning. For that to occur I knew that I needed to feel like a mom. Seems kind of silly doesn't it, I mean what woman doesn't feel like a mom to her newborn baby? It can be difficult to fully feel like a mom while your child is in the NICU. It is the nature of the beast, you and your baby are on their schedule. There are rules to be followed and goals to be worked on. There are procedures that are done to your baby that cause them discomfort or pain and you are helpless to shield your baby from them. Sometimes all you can do to provide comfort to your baby involves turning off lights and sounds and not touch your baby since their nervous system is not developed and cannot handle all the stimulation. It is the hardest thing to do when every cell in your body is screaming for you to reach out and hold your baby, but you can't because they are too fragile.
To be a mom in the NICU involves some creativity.
I read to both of my children during their stays. I wanted them to know my voice and I wanted to share my favorite children's books with them.
I involved myself in their cares whenever I could. In the beginning that meant taking their temperatures and changing their diapers. In time I was also able to give them baths.
Once they were stable enough I began kangaroo care with them. With Oliver, I let Justin have many more kangaroo sessions than I did with Annalynn. With Annalynn I knew that I needed to hold her as much as I could in order to feel close to her. I also tried to kangaroo during a feeding so that she would start to associate me with food.
As the kids become more stable and transitioned to open cribs I was able to hold them more often. Being able to hold your child when you want is HUGE for bonding with your baby.
When bottle feeding was allowed I wanted to be the one to feed my children. Again, I wanted them to associate me with food and comfort.
Breastfeeding was also so something I did that made me feel like a mom. With Oliver I did not have the supply to fully breastfeed him. With Annalynn I asked for a lot more breastfeeding sessions. She was discharged from the NICU breastfeeding for half her feedings. She is now fully breastfed.
I felt more empowered as a parent to ask questions and become more actively involved in the decisions made about Annalynn's care in the NICU. It helped that I knew and trusted the staff, this allowed me to feel like there was an open channel of dialogue between us.
With Oliver I was too fearful to fully talk about things, it made it all the more real and I was too fragile at the time to do that. I was more open and honest about Annalynn's journey. Yes, at times it was painful but it was our reality.
I think the biggest step I took to feeling bonded to Annalynn was that I opened myself up to the feelings of love and affection toward her from the beginning. With Oliver I was so scared the whole time he was in the NICU that I did not fully allow myself to feel those feelings until he was home.
I have not let fear guide my decisions this time.
Other NICU parents find other ways to bond with their babies, you get good at thinking outside of the box when you have a medically fragile child.
First off I was determined to make milk for my baby. Not that I wasn't determined with Oliver, but some missteps early on had some impact on my supply.
Secondly and most importantly, I wanted to be able to develop a bond with this child from the beginning. For that to occur I knew that I needed to feel like a mom. Seems kind of silly doesn't it, I mean what woman doesn't feel like a mom to her newborn baby? It can be difficult to fully feel like a mom while your child is in the NICU. It is the nature of the beast, you and your baby are on their schedule. There are rules to be followed and goals to be worked on. There are procedures that are done to your baby that cause them discomfort or pain and you are helpless to shield your baby from them. Sometimes all you can do to provide comfort to your baby involves turning off lights and sounds and not touch your baby since their nervous system is not developed and cannot handle all the stimulation. It is the hardest thing to do when every cell in your body is screaming for you to reach out and hold your baby, but you can't because they are too fragile.
To be a mom in the NICU involves some creativity.
I read to both of my children during their stays. I wanted them to know my voice and I wanted to share my favorite children's books with them.
I involved myself in their cares whenever I could. In the beginning that meant taking their temperatures and changing their diapers. In time I was also able to give them baths.
Once they were stable enough I began kangaroo care with them. With Oliver, I let Justin have many more kangaroo sessions than I did with Annalynn. With Annalynn I knew that I needed to hold her as much as I could in order to feel close to her. I also tried to kangaroo during a feeding so that she would start to associate me with food.
As the kids become more stable and transitioned to open cribs I was able to hold them more often. Being able to hold your child when you want is HUGE for bonding with your baby.
When bottle feeding was allowed I wanted to be the one to feed my children. Again, I wanted them to associate me with food and comfort.
Breastfeeding was also so something I did that made me feel like a mom. With Oliver I did not have the supply to fully breastfeed him. With Annalynn I asked for a lot more breastfeeding sessions. She was discharged from the NICU breastfeeding for half her feedings. She is now fully breastfed.
I felt more empowered as a parent to ask questions and become more actively involved in the decisions made about Annalynn's care in the NICU. It helped that I knew and trusted the staff, this allowed me to feel like there was an open channel of dialogue between us.
With Oliver I was too fearful to fully talk about things, it made it all the more real and I was too fragile at the time to do that. I was more open and honest about Annalynn's journey. Yes, at times it was painful but it was our reality.
I think the biggest step I took to feeling bonded to Annalynn was that I opened myself up to the feelings of love and affection toward her from the beginning. With Oliver I was so scared the whole time he was in the NICU that I did not fully allow myself to feel those feelings until he was home.
I have not let fear guide my decisions this time.
Other NICU parents find other ways to bond with their babies, you get good at thinking outside of the box when you have a medically fragile child.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Mothering Without Depression
I have been thinking about this post for awhile now, life here is a bit busy these days with two children under 2. So, finding time to write is pretty limited.
Being a mother has been so different this time around. I am more relaxed and able to enjoy Annalynn's infancy. I think the big reason for this is that I am not suffering from depression or PTSD this time. I feel connected and bonded to her, and I am not overwhelmed and shut down. Does that mean that I am not exhausted? Absolutely not. This is a different kind of exhaustion, this is normal exhaustion from having a newborn in the home. With Oliver I was mind numbingly exhausted. Most days I couldn't even get dressed and a shower took a monumental effort.
When I found out I was pregnant with Annalynn I was fearful of developing depression again. Justin was worried about it as well and we had some frank conversations about if I should resume therapy as a preventative measure. I also had some conversations with my doctor about depression. I decided that I felt like I needed to go then I would. I made it through my short pregnancy without needing to talk to my therapist.
I have found that it is immensely easier to be a mother when you are not dealing with depression and PTSD. I am able to function and make decisions this time. I do not have intrusive thoughts, I am not sitting in my bathroom contemplating what I would use to cut with. I have found that since Annalynn arrived I have not had the same feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I did when Oliver arrived. That being said I am still sad about both of my children arriving early and having to endure all the pokes, prods, tubes, and tests. I still feel some sadness when I see pregnant women and I am sad when I see chubby full term babies. This time I am able to acknowledge it and let it go a bit. Following Oliver's birth those feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, etc..would consume my thoughts and I had a very difficult time moving away from them.
I think part of the reason that things are better this time relate to her birth. We had a window of warning that she was going to be born. There was not the rushed panic with her birth. My body functioned like it was supposed to this time. I was not sidelined with a massive infection like I was with Oliver. I have been able to breastfeed my baby. Being able to do this has helped me to feel bonded and connected to her. Having gone through the NICU experience once before I felt more mentally prepared for what I would see and how things would go. I knew the routine already, I knew the staff caring for my baby, I knew who to ask for certain things. I was not afraid to jump in and be a mother to my baby. Mothering in the NICU is something I am planning on for another post. Our friends and family have been such supports for us during this journey. Meals have been delivered from our church and from my Stroller Strides friends. It helps me to get through the afternoon before Justin comes home if I do not have to spend a lot of time prepping dinner and cooking it. People have checked in with us to see if we need anything or just to chat. I have chosen to not let fear guide the decisions that I make this time. This time I feel empowered as woman and a mother, I KNOW that I can do this. I am able to enjoy my children and being a mother to them and that is a big deal.
Being a mother has been so different this time around. I am more relaxed and able to enjoy Annalynn's infancy. I think the big reason for this is that I am not suffering from depression or PTSD this time. I feel connected and bonded to her, and I am not overwhelmed and shut down. Does that mean that I am not exhausted? Absolutely not. This is a different kind of exhaustion, this is normal exhaustion from having a newborn in the home. With Oliver I was mind numbingly exhausted. Most days I couldn't even get dressed and a shower took a monumental effort.
When I found out I was pregnant with Annalynn I was fearful of developing depression again. Justin was worried about it as well and we had some frank conversations about if I should resume therapy as a preventative measure. I also had some conversations with my doctor about depression. I decided that I felt like I needed to go then I would. I made it through my short pregnancy without needing to talk to my therapist.
I have found that it is immensely easier to be a mother when you are not dealing with depression and PTSD. I am able to function and make decisions this time. I do not have intrusive thoughts, I am not sitting in my bathroom contemplating what I would use to cut with. I have found that since Annalynn arrived I have not had the same feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I did when Oliver arrived. That being said I am still sad about both of my children arriving early and having to endure all the pokes, prods, tubes, and tests. I still feel some sadness when I see pregnant women and I am sad when I see chubby full term babies. This time I am able to acknowledge it and let it go a bit. Following Oliver's birth those feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, etc..would consume my thoughts and I had a very difficult time moving away from them.
I think part of the reason that things are better this time relate to her birth. We had a window of warning that she was going to be born. There was not the rushed panic with her birth. My body functioned like it was supposed to this time. I was not sidelined with a massive infection like I was with Oliver. I have been able to breastfeed my baby. Being able to do this has helped me to feel bonded and connected to her. Having gone through the NICU experience once before I felt more mentally prepared for what I would see and how things would go. I knew the routine already, I knew the staff caring for my baby, I knew who to ask for certain things. I was not afraid to jump in and be a mother to my baby. Mothering in the NICU is something I am planning on for another post. Our friends and family have been such supports for us during this journey. Meals have been delivered from our church and from my Stroller Strides friends. It helps me to get through the afternoon before Justin comes home if I do not have to spend a lot of time prepping dinner and cooking it. People have checked in with us to see if we need anything or just to chat. I have chosen to not let fear guide the decisions that I make this time. This time I feel empowered as woman and a mother, I KNOW that I can do this. I am able to enjoy my children and being a mother to them and that is a big deal.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Birth part 2
I have now had two birth experiences and both have been very different and yet very similar.
The morning of February 24, 2012 I knew something was going on when I woke up, it was also the day I hit 29 weeks. I had a few contractions, I was not in denial about them this time. I timed them over an hour as I ate my breakfast and told my nurse about them. She hooked me up to the monitor to see if they could be picked up. Coincidentally, my nurse that morning was the same one I had the day I went into labor with Oliver. She informed me that "we are not doing this today." when she hooked me up to the monitor. I wholeheartedly agreed with her! I waited for another hour and was still having a few contractions so I decided that I should call my husband and have him come down. It would take him about 3 hours to get to the hospital. My nurse came back in to check on me and casually asked me if I wanted to call my husband, we both knew things were not going in the right direction but neither of us said it out loud.
Soon labs were being drawn and my vitals taken. The OB resident came in with the nurse and informed me that I would be examined to check for dilation. Great a lovely exam while perched on the bedpan. I HATE those! Things looked good and I wasn't dilated. So the plan was to wait and see and hope the contractions would stop or slow down. About an hour or so later the resident returned to tell me that my labs showed no signs of infection so she figured that I wouldn't be delivering that day. I told her that I was still contracting and that they were getting more intense, not really painful, but they were headed in that direction.
My husband arrived around Noon and shortly there after we were taken upstairs to have an ultrasound to check my fluid levels. Ha! There really was no fluid to speak of since the rupture. So, after a quick scan during which I had a few more contractions, the doctor (who also delivered Oliver) arrived to take a look at things. He asked how my day was going and I informed him of the ongoing contractions and that they were now hurting but not really in a pattern. He started scanning the baby and got quiet. He turned the screen so that Justin and I could see it better, we clearly saw the spine of the baby and it was breech. My doctor went on to tell us that the baby had moved into a position that looked like it was going to be coming out soon. He felt that since I was having painful contractions and the position of the baby that we needed to discuss delivering. I of course started crying because here we were again having to deal with a preterm delivery. We were given the options of having a scheduled c-section later that day, or waiting and seeing if things would settle down. I was taken back to my room and Justin and I were allowed to talk things over to make a decision. We decided to schedule the c-section so that everyone could be better prepared and a neonatologist would be there to take care of the baby. We were able to give people a 2 hour warning about the impending birth of baby #2. My mom left Oliver with my dad so that she could drive down to be here for the birth. We had the nurses call a lactation consultant so that a breast pump would be ready for me to use in the recovery room.
Once we made our decision I had a sense of relief come over me, this high risk, high stress pregnancy would be over soon. I was sad too that I was not able to carry this child closer to term, but I didn't feel like I had failed like when Oliver was born. I didn't blame myself or my body for failing to keep this child in utero, it was just time for her to be born. 15 weeks is a long time to live in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and the unknown. Not that having a preemie is any picnic by any means.
The prep began to get me ready for surgery. It was not rushed and panicked like with Oliver's birth. My nurses on antepartum got me ready and I cried off and on, and also shared in some laughter with them.
Soon enough it was time to go to the operating room, and start the prep in there. There was no mad sprint down the hallway with people yelling out directions and orders. There were not 10 different people coming at me at once. I was not screaming and crying in pain and sheer terror. That was Oliver's birth, not this one. This one everyone was calm and spoke to me one at a time. Introductions were made, but I don't remember their names now. Soon enough things got going and Justin was allowed in. Shortly, we were told that the baby was born and I started throwing up so I missed when they walked the baby out the door. Justin left to go and watch as they stabilized the baby. I waited for what seemed like forever for him to return and tell me what we had. Eventually he walked through the door and announced that we had a GIRL! She was wheeled in right behind him so I could see her. She was so tiny, but breathing on her own. She was wrapped in bubble wrap and blankets and I was told that she was a bit cold so they needed to go. I was able to touch her hand before she was wheeled out of the room.
After what seemed like hours the surgery was over and I was taken to recovery. Justin joined me there eventually and told me that she was in the airplane neighborhood, which is where Oliver was. She was doing well she had some bruises and was pretty swollen from not having fluid but otherwise she looked good. After I had recovered enough I was taken to the NICU to see her before going to the Mother baby unit.
It was good for my soul to see her so soon after birth. We had to wait several hours after Oliver was born to see him. After getting a good look at her I felt like I could give her a name. Justin and I debated for awhile in my room about what we should name her. We finally settled on Annalynn Grace, we liked the name and felt that she would need some grace in her life. As my cousin Anna says 'We Annas might be small but we are mighty!" So far Annalynn is proving Anna correct.
So, was it the birth that I had wanted? Nope, not at all. I will say that it was not as traumatic as Oliver's birth. This time I have some small feeling of peace about my birth. I think that it helped that we were not dealing with a true emergency situation where everyone was rushing around and things happening to me and I had no control over anything. Justin and I were given a choice this time, granted it was only one but we were allowed to have some control over one aspect of a not great situation. Did we make the right decision? Yes, I think given what was going on that day it was the right thing to deliver. My doctor informed me afterwards that they discovered that I was 4 cm dilated while they were checking things out before they closed my incision. So, she would've made her arrival that day no matter what. Also, neither Annalynn or I developed an infection and that has made all the difference in the world for my recovery. Annalynn is doing very well for her early arrival. She still has a long road ahead of her and she will have to prove her moxy. I have no doubt that she will and she will do it with style.
The morning of February 24, 2012 I knew something was going on when I woke up, it was also the day I hit 29 weeks. I had a few contractions, I was not in denial about them this time. I timed them over an hour as I ate my breakfast and told my nurse about them. She hooked me up to the monitor to see if they could be picked up. Coincidentally, my nurse that morning was the same one I had the day I went into labor with Oliver. She informed me that "we are not doing this today." when she hooked me up to the monitor. I wholeheartedly agreed with her! I waited for another hour and was still having a few contractions so I decided that I should call my husband and have him come down. It would take him about 3 hours to get to the hospital. My nurse came back in to check on me and casually asked me if I wanted to call my husband, we both knew things were not going in the right direction but neither of us said it out loud.
Soon labs were being drawn and my vitals taken. The OB resident came in with the nurse and informed me that I would be examined to check for dilation. Great a lovely exam while perched on the bedpan. I HATE those! Things looked good and I wasn't dilated. So the plan was to wait and see and hope the contractions would stop or slow down. About an hour or so later the resident returned to tell me that my labs showed no signs of infection so she figured that I wouldn't be delivering that day. I told her that I was still contracting and that they were getting more intense, not really painful, but they were headed in that direction.
My husband arrived around Noon and shortly there after we were taken upstairs to have an ultrasound to check my fluid levels. Ha! There really was no fluid to speak of since the rupture. So, after a quick scan during which I had a few more contractions, the doctor (who also delivered Oliver) arrived to take a look at things. He asked how my day was going and I informed him of the ongoing contractions and that they were now hurting but not really in a pattern. He started scanning the baby and got quiet. He turned the screen so that Justin and I could see it better, we clearly saw the spine of the baby and it was breech. My doctor went on to tell us that the baby had moved into a position that looked like it was going to be coming out soon. He felt that since I was having painful contractions and the position of the baby that we needed to discuss delivering. I of course started crying because here we were again having to deal with a preterm delivery. We were given the options of having a scheduled c-section later that day, or waiting and seeing if things would settle down. I was taken back to my room and Justin and I were allowed to talk things over to make a decision. We decided to schedule the c-section so that everyone could be better prepared and a neonatologist would be there to take care of the baby. We were able to give people a 2 hour warning about the impending birth of baby #2. My mom left Oliver with my dad so that she could drive down to be here for the birth. We had the nurses call a lactation consultant so that a breast pump would be ready for me to use in the recovery room.
Once we made our decision I had a sense of relief come over me, this high risk, high stress pregnancy would be over soon. I was sad too that I was not able to carry this child closer to term, but I didn't feel like I had failed like when Oliver was born. I didn't blame myself or my body for failing to keep this child in utero, it was just time for her to be born. 15 weeks is a long time to live in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and the unknown. Not that having a preemie is any picnic by any means.
The prep began to get me ready for surgery. It was not rushed and panicked like with Oliver's birth. My nurses on antepartum got me ready and I cried off and on, and also shared in some laughter with them.
Soon enough it was time to go to the operating room, and start the prep in there. There was no mad sprint down the hallway with people yelling out directions and orders. There were not 10 different people coming at me at once. I was not screaming and crying in pain and sheer terror. That was Oliver's birth, not this one. This one everyone was calm and spoke to me one at a time. Introductions were made, but I don't remember their names now. Soon enough things got going and Justin was allowed in. Shortly, we were told that the baby was born and I started throwing up so I missed when they walked the baby out the door. Justin left to go and watch as they stabilized the baby. I waited for what seemed like forever for him to return and tell me what we had. Eventually he walked through the door and announced that we had a GIRL! She was wheeled in right behind him so I could see her. She was so tiny, but breathing on her own. She was wrapped in bubble wrap and blankets and I was told that she was a bit cold so they needed to go. I was able to touch her hand before she was wheeled out of the room.
After what seemed like hours the surgery was over and I was taken to recovery. Justin joined me there eventually and told me that she was in the airplane neighborhood, which is where Oliver was. She was doing well she had some bruises and was pretty swollen from not having fluid but otherwise she looked good. After I had recovered enough I was taken to the NICU to see her before going to the Mother baby unit.
It was good for my soul to see her so soon after birth. We had to wait several hours after Oliver was born to see him. After getting a good look at her I felt like I could give her a name. Justin and I debated for awhile in my room about what we should name her. We finally settled on Annalynn Grace, we liked the name and felt that she would need some grace in her life. As my cousin Anna says 'We Annas might be small but we are mighty!" So far Annalynn is proving Anna correct.
So, was it the birth that I had wanted? Nope, not at all. I will say that it was not as traumatic as Oliver's birth. This time I have some small feeling of peace about my birth. I think that it helped that we were not dealing with a true emergency situation where everyone was rushing around and things happening to me and I had no control over anything. Justin and I were given a choice this time, granted it was only one but we were allowed to have some control over one aspect of a not great situation. Did we make the right decision? Yes, I think given what was going on that day it was the right thing to deliver. My doctor informed me afterwards that they discovered that I was 4 cm dilated while they were checking things out before they closed my incision. So, she would've made her arrival that day no matter what. Also, neither Annalynn or I developed an infection and that has made all the difference in the world for my recovery. Annalynn is doing very well for her early arrival. She still has a long road ahead of her and she will have to prove her moxy. I have no doubt that she will and she will do it with style.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
The swimming pool emptied......again
So, I am writing this while sitting in the NICU once again waiting and watching one of my children grow and mature enough to take home. HOW did this happen? WHY did this happen? WHY us? WHY my children? There are no answers to these questions and I have to try very hard to not go down that road of questioning because it really leads to nowhere. So, instead I am trying to focus on the here and now.
As you all know when I last wrote about my pregnancy I was coming up on some significant dates associated with Oliver's birth. Once I passed the 27 week 4 days mark I felt so excited. I was so happy to make it past that day and to keep going. I kind of allowed myself to put on some light pink, but not rose colored glasses. I dreamed about giving birth to a full term baby. I daydreamed about how it must feel to leave the hospital with your child and not months apart. I was so happy with life and doing fine laying on the couch all day long.
As the week progressed I started to get a sense of unease about my upcoming appointment with the MFM doctors that Friday. Thursday evening before I went to bed I had a sense that I would not come home from that appointment. Little did I know that I would be waaaaay early form my appointment that day. I woke up at 230 am and needed to go to the bathroom as I was walking to the bathroom I felt some liquid run down my leg. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I had just peed myself. I think this is the only time in my life I wanted to have wet my pants. I sat on the toilet and saw that my pants were quite wet and then the smell hit me and I knew exactly what was happening. I felt the dumping of adrenaline into my system I began to shake and cry. I grabbed a towel to put between my legs to catch all the liquid that was now streaming out of me. I started to cry when I woke up my husband to tell him my water had broken. He got on the phone to my midwife to tell her what was going on as I stood in my closet trying to decide what pants to wear because I knew they would be soaked in no time. My midwife called the MFM doctor and the helicopter to come and get me. My mom heard the noise and came into our room and helped get me ready and put more towels on the seat of the car. Justin drove us to the local labor and delivery in record time, thanks to running red lights. I was so scared, shocked, sad, and angry that this was happening again. I just kept crying and thinking about all the work of 15 weeks of bedrest and missing out on major family events and here we were, ruptured prematurely.
Once I got to L&D the nurses had me change into a gown. I apologized for leaking all over the floor of the bathroom as I changed. The nurse glanced at the large puddle in the middle of the floor and told me that they didn't need to do the test strip to confirm I was ruptured she could tell by the amount of fluid on the floor. I was hooked up to the monitors and an IV was started and labs were drawn. My midwife drove in and was there with us as well. I was started on mag and given the first beta shot. I was informed that the helicopter was out picking up someone else but that it would be coming to get me soon. I felt the effects of the mag quickly, I thought my palms were on fire. I had somewhat calmed down but was still leaking tears. That is when the contractions started so my mag got bumped up a bit and the contractions were finally stopped. Justin and I waited in our room for the helicopter to arrive. There was no mistaking when it did arrive it was so loud and the spotlight shown right through the blinds in my room. The flight crew arrived and began switching everything to their equipment. I was transferred to a microscopic gurney that was in no way designed for a pregnant woman. They wrapped me in basically a neon orange sleeping bag to keep me warm and I kissed my husband good bye and was wheeled out the door and down some hallways and loaded onto the helicopter. It was a beautiful morning, the sky was pale pink with a few puffy white clouds. I remember thinking that with such a beautiful sunrise that things had to be okay. I watched as we flew over farms and small towns. Soon enough we were flying over Peoria and lining up for the landing. Once we landed I was taken to labor and delivery where it seemed like every woman in the area was in labor. Eventually I got moved to my home away from home, the antepartum unit. I would remain there for exactly one week.
As you all know when I last wrote about my pregnancy I was coming up on some significant dates associated with Oliver's birth. Once I passed the 27 week 4 days mark I felt so excited. I was so happy to make it past that day and to keep going. I kind of allowed myself to put on some light pink, but not rose colored glasses. I dreamed about giving birth to a full term baby. I daydreamed about how it must feel to leave the hospital with your child and not months apart. I was so happy with life and doing fine laying on the couch all day long.
As the week progressed I started to get a sense of unease about my upcoming appointment with the MFM doctors that Friday. Thursday evening before I went to bed I had a sense that I would not come home from that appointment. Little did I know that I would be waaaaay early form my appointment that day. I woke up at 230 am and needed to go to the bathroom as I was walking to the bathroom I felt some liquid run down my leg. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I had just peed myself. I think this is the only time in my life I wanted to have wet my pants. I sat on the toilet and saw that my pants were quite wet and then the smell hit me and I knew exactly what was happening. I felt the dumping of adrenaline into my system I began to shake and cry. I grabbed a towel to put between my legs to catch all the liquid that was now streaming out of me. I started to cry when I woke up my husband to tell him my water had broken. He got on the phone to my midwife to tell her what was going on as I stood in my closet trying to decide what pants to wear because I knew they would be soaked in no time. My midwife called the MFM doctor and the helicopter to come and get me. My mom heard the noise and came into our room and helped get me ready and put more towels on the seat of the car. Justin drove us to the local labor and delivery in record time, thanks to running red lights. I was so scared, shocked, sad, and angry that this was happening again. I just kept crying and thinking about all the work of 15 weeks of bedrest and missing out on major family events and here we were, ruptured prematurely.
Once I got to L&D the nurses had me change into a gown. I apologized for leaking all over the floor of the bathroom as I changed. The nurse glanced at the large puddle in the middle of the floor and told me that they didn't need to do the test strip to confirm I was ruptured she could tell by the amount of fluid on the floor. I was hooked up to the monitors and an IV was started and labs were drawn. My midwife drove in and was there with us as well. I was started on mag and given the first beta shot. I was informed that the helicopter was out picking up someone else but that it would be coming to get me soon. I felt the effects of the mag quickly, I thought my palms were on fire. I had somewhat calmed down but was still leaking tears. That is when the contractions started so my mag got bumped up a bit and the contractions were finally stopped. Justin and I waited in our room for the helicopter to arrive. There was no mistaking when it did arrive it was so loud and the spotlight shown right through the blinds in my room. The flight crew arrived and began switching everything to their equipment. I was transferred to a microscopic gurney that was in no way designed for a pregnant woman. They wrapped me in basically a neon orange sleeping bag to keep me warm and I kissed my husband good bye and was wheeled out the door and down some hallways and loaded onto the helicopter. It was a beautiful morning, the sky was pale pink with a few puffy white clouds. I remember thinking that with such a beautiful sunrise that things had to be okay. I watched as we flew over farms and small towns. Soon enough we were flying over Peoria and lining up for the landing. Once we landed I was taken to labor and delivery where it seemed like every woman in the area was in labor. Eventually I got moved to my home away from home, the antepartum unit. I would remain there for exactly one week.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My Journey to Cloth
Even before I was pregnant with Oliver I had planned on cloth diapering my babies. I was cloth diapered as a baby and so were some of my cousins, I grew up seeing my family change cloth diapers. That was the era of prefolds, pins, and pull on waterproof pants. Leaks happened. Fast forward to 2010 and I was pregnant and told my husband that I wanted to cloth diaper our child. He humored me but I saw the glint of fear in his eyes. He grew up in a house that used disposables. I knew that I would need to do some research and present him with some cold hard facts to fully sway him to cloth. I mainly used the money saving aspects to sway him. Yes, there is an upfront cost for cloth and most people balk at the price of some diapers which can run upwards of $25 (I don't have any diapers that expensive). The savings come the longer you use the diapers and definitely for subsequent children. I just like knowing that we don't have to run out every week and buy a box of diapers.
The world of cloth sure had changed in 30 years! Things were so much easier, trimmer, more absorbent, less leaky, and lets face it cuter. You could still get the retro prefolds and waterproof pants and pins if you wanted. I started looking around online and was overwhelmed by all the choices. I eventually decided on one online diaper store, Diaper Junction. They carried a variety of brands, offered good advice, had a rewards program, and sold used diapers at a discount. I wasn't sure what system would work the best for us so I decided to buy a few different brands. Around this time I also scored some waterproof covers at the discount site Baby Steals. With the addition of the covers I needed to get some prefolds, so my mom and I bought some at a local baby store. To make our diaper stash last as long as possible I only purchased one sized diapers so that as the baby grew we wouldn't have to buy a whole new stash of diapers.
Once we were finally home from the hospital I prepped (pre washed) the diapers just like the directions said. Then I put them away for a few months, since Oliver was still so small when he came home we used preemie size disposable diapers until he was big enough to fit in the cloth.
Since I had studied the different types of systems I knew how to assemble the different diapers and what pad went with what cover. My husband had a few weeks of frustration before he got a good handle on the diapers. Now, he is a pro.
Once we were cloth diapering Ollie full time we discovered that we liked certain systems and others left something to be desired. We quickly discovered that the prefolds my mom and I had purchased were not up to par for diapering and were put in the burp cloth pile. I returned to Diaper Junction and read the reviews for their prefolds and decided to give them a try, I am so glad that I did! What a difference, they are AWESOME! Prefolds and covers quickly became our go to diaper system. With the addition of a diaper sprayer, our diapering journey was complete, or so I thought.
I think that I have a bit of an addiction problem with shopping for cloth diapers. Over the past year I have bought some more diapers to add to our stash so that we would have enough to make it 3-4 days before running out. I figured we were good on diapers for the rest of our diapering lives and had stopped shopping. Since I had always planned on having a few years between children, I hoped that Ollie would be close to potty training when the next one arrived. HA!
A few months later I found out I was pregnant and Ollie was just over a year old. It hit me that we would have two children in cloth at the same time for a few years. Thankfully, after Thanksgiving a lot of diaper sites had great sales. I decided to get some newborn size diapers this time since it is highly likely I will not go full term with this baby. I lucked out and got some newborn and small size used prefolds. I found some great newborn covers that are adjustable to make them last a bit longer. I have also added to the one size stash so that we will have enough to diaper two children full time.
Cloth diapering can be intimidating at first but once you get in a routine it is pretty easy.
Oliver in his first cloth diaper at 4 months old. It was huge on him. On a side note to all my therapy friends look at that great ATNR position!
The world of cloth sure had changed in 30 years! Things were so much easier, trimmer, more absorbent, less leaky, and lets face it cuter. You could still get the retro prefolds and waterproof pants and pins if you wanted. I started looking around online and was overwhelmed by all the choices. I eventually decided on one online diaper store, Diaper Junction. They carried a variety of brands, offered good advice, had a rewards program, and sold used diapers at a discount. I wasn't sure what system would work the best for us so I decided to buy a few different brands. Around this time I also scored some waterproof covers at the discount site Baby Steals. With the addition of the covers I needed to get some prefolds, so my mom and I bought some at a local baby store. To make our diaper stash last as long as possible I only purchased one sized diapers so that as the baby grew we wouldn't have to buy a whole new stash of diapers.
Once we were finally home from the hospital I prepped (pre washed) the diapers just like the directions said. Then I put them away for a few months, since Oliver was still so small when he came home we used preemie size disposable diapers until he was big enough to fit in the cloth.
Since I had studied the different types of systems I knew how to assemble the different diapers and what pad went with what cover. My husband had a few weeks of frustration before he got a good handle on the diapers. Now, he is a pro.
Once we were cloth diapering Ollie full time we discovered that we liked certain systems and others left something to be desired. We quickly discovered that the prefolds my mom and I had purchased were not up to par for diapering and were put in the burp cloth pile. I returned to Diaper Junction and read the reviews for their prefolds and decided to give them a try, I am so glad that I did! What a difference, they are AWESOME! Prefolds and covers quickly became our go to diaper system. With the addition of a diaper sprayer, our diapering journey was complete, or so I thought.
I think that I have a bit of an addiction problem with shopping for cloth diapers. Over the past year I have bought some more diapers to add to our stash so that we would have enough to make it 3-4 days before running out. I figured we were good on diapers for the rest of our diapering lives and had stopped shopping. Since I had always planned on having a few years between children, I hoped that Ollie would be close to potty training when the next one arrived. HA!
A few months later I found out I was pregnant and Ollie was just over a year old. It hit me that we would have two children in cloth at the same time for a few years. Thankfully, after Thanksgiving a lot of diaper sites had great sales. I decided to get some newborn size diapers this time since it is highly likely I will not go full term with this baby. I lucked out and got some newborn and small size used prefolds. I found some great newborn covers that are adjustable to make them last a bit longer. I have also added to the one size stash so that we will have enough to diaper two children full time.
Cloth diapering can be intimidating at first but once you get in a routine it is pretty easy.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Running (Ha! like I will be doing that anytime soon)
Pregnancy is a lot like distance running: slow and steady, one foot in front of the other. Your body paces itself. I am now 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I have been out of the hospital since the 13th of January and it is so nice! Today I had my weekly appointment with the MFM doctors and things are holding steady. So, I get another week at home since my body is behaving. Each week that I don't get admitted is a small celebration. I have kind looked at this pregnancy like running a marathon, each week is another mile that I have run. When I am running I have a small celebration or feeling of accomplishment with each mile marker I pass. Right now I feel like I am gearing up to run up a big hill, it will be hard to get to the top but once up you get a small break as you coast down the other side. The hill for this pregnancy is coming up starting tomorrow that is the point when my water broke with Oliver. I feel like tomorrow is one of the first really big milestones to get past and then the hill will continue until Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day I will be 27 weeks 4 days, after 5:19 PM I will be in new pregnancy territory, thus the downhill part of the race.
I think the 15th of February will call for a celebration! Not too big of one because that will have to wait until this baby and I reach the finish line.
I think the 15th of February will call for a celebration! Not too big of one because that will have to wait until this baby and I reach the finish line.
Monday, January 16, 2012
It's All Relative
I was released from the hospital on Friday. Yippie!! I am hoping and praying that I will get to stay home for a long time, but know that there is a strong possibility that I will have to go back. I am now at the point of viability so things are getting interesting. Now, the possibility of making very hard decisions and having to make them quickly exists. We hope and pray we won't have to make some of them.
The day I was discharged I met one of the social workers who checks in with the women on antepartum. She and I had a really good conversation about the stresses of a high risk pregnancy and the importance of having a good support system. Our conversation got this blog post brewing in my head.
When she asked me about my friends it made me think how different things are between us. Right now I know of several women who are pregnant and we are all due within a few months of each other. A few have had complications in the past but are doing just fine this time around. Most have never experienced a high risk pregnancy, or have only had a minor hiccup in the 40ish weeks of baby baking.
I told the social worker how I cannot really relate to these women, and how they can't really relate to me. We have vastly different experiences. I get somewhat irritated when women discuss their indecision with what color to paint the nursery, or how they are disappointed that they found out the sex of the baby and it isn't what they were hoping for. My discussions focus on when to get the Beta shots for the baby's lung development, at what gestational age would we be okay using the local NICU, and answering questions about contractions, bleeding, and leaking fluid.
I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to only really have to worry about getting the nursery set up and the baby clothes washed. That is not my reality, and sometimes (most times actually) that really sucks. It is so unfortunate that some women are robbed of that bliss of preparing for a new baby. Hopefully, in the future there will be less of us with these types of experiences.
The day I was discharged I met one of the social workers who checks in with the women on antepartum. She and I had a really good conversation about the stresses of a high risk pregnancy and the importance of having a good support system. Our conversation got this blog post brewing in my head.
When she asked me about my friends it made me think how different things are between us. Right now I know of several women who are pregnant and we are all due within a few months of each other. A few have had complications in the past but are doing just fine this time around. Most have never experienced a high risk pregnancy, or have only had a minor hiccup in the 40ish weeks of baby baking.
I told the social worker how I cannot really relate to these women, and how they can't really relate to me. We have vastly different experiences. I get somewhat irritated when women discuss their indecision with what color to paint the nursery, or how they are disappointed that they found out the sex of the baby and it isn't what they were hoping for. My discussions focus on when to get the Beta shots for the baby's lung development, at what gestational age would we be okay using the local NICU, and answering questions about contractions, bleeding, and leaking fluid.
I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to only really have to worry about getting the nursery set up and the baby clothes washed. That is not my reality, and sometimes (most times actually) that really sucks. It is so unfortunate that some women are robbed of that bliss of preparing for a new baby. Hopefully, in the future there will be less of us with these types of experiences.
Friday, January 6, 2012
History Does Repeat Itself Just In Case You Were Wondering.
So, it has happened again I have been put in the hospital due to my cranky cervix. The irony is that this is right about the same time I went in with Oliver's pregnancy. This time there was some warning, but still didn't prevent me from having the ugly cry in the doctor's office. I was told and shown on the ultrasound that my cervix had funneled to the stitch and that they wanted to keep a close eye on me. He did let me go home and pack a bag before I had to go in. This allowed my husband to leave work early to meet me at home and for me to say good bye to my sweet boy. It was so hard to say good bye to Ollie, I like spending my days with him and he is at such a fun age of curiosity and exploration.
I feel like we are somewhat better prepared for this hospital stay both mentally and physically. Right now I have the mindset of I have done this once and I can do it again, just a lot longer this time. I worry about Justin since he is being pulled in three different directions. We pretty much knew that at some point I would most likely go in, just not this soon. I do not have the same amount of terror and dread with this one. I think it helps greatly knowing the staff here and the routine. Justin knows to ask for a cot right away and to keep it in my room. He knows what elevators to take and what bathrooms to use.
Justin stayed overnight the first night to make sure things were okay. I had to laugh when he came back from the cafeteria once and said "do you think it is strange that I feel kind of at home here?" I think that only people who have a chronic illness or a medically fragile child will understand his statement. We spent about a quarter of a year here and got to know all these people who we saw day in and day out. Many of these people are still working here. Yesterday, I had three different people who don't work on antepartum, come to my room to visit when they saw Justin walking in the halls. It is comfortable here, and my time here will be what I make of it. Yes, it is scary knowing that things are not going in the right direction. This time however I have the cerclages in and I have waaaaaaay more cervix than last time. I still have anxiety each and every time I have an ultrasound, ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power. I know that the more I am prone the less stress on the stitch there is. So I will wear my leg squeezers and drink my water and think happy full term thoughts.
I feel like we are somewhat better prepared for this hospital stay both mentally and physically. Right now I have the mindset of I have done this once and I can do it again, just a lot longer this time. I worry about Justin since he is being pulled in three different directions. We pretty much knew that at some point I would most likely go in, just not this soon. I do not have the same amount of terror and dread with this one. I think it helps greatly knowing the staff here and the routine. Justin knows to ask for a cot right away and to keep it in my room. He knows what elevators to take and what bathrooms to use.
Justin stayed overnight the first night to make sure things were okay. I had to laugh when he came back from the cafeteria once and said "do you think it is strange that I feel kind of at home here?" I think that only people who have a chronic illness or a medically fragile child will understand his statement. We spent about a quarter of a year here and got to know all these people who we saw day in and day out. Many of these people are still working here. Yesterday, I had three different people who don't work on antepartum, come to my room to visit when they saw Justin walking in the halls. It is comfortable here, and my time here will be what I make of it. Yes, it is scary knowing that things are not going in the right direction. This time however I have the cerclages in and I have waaaaaaay more cervix than last time. I still have anxiety each and every time I have an ultrasound, ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power. I know that the more I am prone the less stress on the stitch there is. So I will wear my leg squeezers and drink my water and think happy full term thoughts.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
So What Do You Do All Day?
This seems to be the popular question asked often of a woman on bedrest. I try and keep myself occupied during the day. The more distracted I can be the faster and easier the day goes. I really try and not think about how much further I have to go with my pregnancy, it is overwhelming and scary to think about. My days pretty much follow the same routine that they had before I went on bedrest. I get up when Oliver wakes up. I still am involved in his care, but can't lift him. I pick out his clothes and decide what he will eat. I basically direct his care from the couch. We play and read books together. Some days I hang out in my pajamas for awhile but I always get dressed everyday. Some days I will take a shower, just because I am not allowed much activity doesn't mean that I have to be stinky.
I pretty much have one or two doctor appointments a week, so depending on where the appointments are I could be gone for half the day or only about an hour.
I am working my way through my reading list which is nice. I spend a lot of time on www.goodreads.com selecting new books to read and checking out what my friends are reading. Our Netflix subscription is getting a good workout and I have now watched so many television series it isn't funny. Every afternoon my mom and I watch the Rachel Ray Show and the Ellen Show. My Sidelines buddy told me about www.pogo.com which is an online game site. Those games are like crack, and some days I play a lot of games. There are also quite a few blogs that I follow and I do read them throughout the day.
When my husband is home from work we have been having discussions about all things baby and Oliver. I am fast approaching viability and we have been debating for a few weeks about what gestational age we would feel comfortable letting the local NICU care for the baby if s/he comes early. There isn't an easy answer as there are all these unknown outcomes.
Basically, I just try and get through each day without freaking out.
I pretty much have one or two doctor appointments a week, so depending on where the appointments are I could be gone for half the day or only about an hour.
I am working my way through my reading list which is nice. I spend a lot of time on www.goodreads.com selecting new books to read and checking out what my friends are reading. Our Netflix subscription is getting a good workout and I have now watched so many television series it isn't funny. Every afternoon my mom and I watch the Rachel Ray Show and the Ellen Show. My Sidelines buddy told me about www.pogo.com which is an online game site. Those games are like crack, and some days I play a lot of games. There are also quite a few blogs that I follow and I do read them throughout the day.
When my husband is home from work we have been having discussions about all things baby and Oliver. I am fast approaching viability and we have been debating for a few weeks about what gestational age we would feel comfortable letting the local NICU care for the baby if s/he comes early. There isn't an easy answer as there are all these unknown outcomes.
Basically, I just try and get through each day without freaking out.
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