It's All Relative

I was released from the hospital on Friday.  Yippie!! I am hoping and praying that I will get to stay home for a long time, but know that there is a strong possibility that I will have to go back.  I am now at the point of viability so things are getting interesting.  Now, the possibility of making very hard decisions and having to make them quickly exists.  We hope and pray we won't have to make some of them. 
The day I was discharged I met one of the social workers who checks in with the women on antepartum.  She and I had a really good conversation about the stresses of a high risk pregnancy and the importance of having a good support system.  Our conversation got this blog post brewing in my head. 
When she asked me about my friends it made me think how different things are between us.  Right now I know of several women who are pregnant and we are all due within a few months of each other.  A few have had complications in the past but are doing just fine this time around.  Most have never experienced a high risk pregnancy, or have only had a minor hiccup in the 40ish weeks of baby baking. 
I told the social worker how I cannot really relate to these women, and how they can't really relate to me.  We have vastly different experiences.  I get somewhat irritated when women discuss their indecision with what color to paint the nursery, or how they are disappointed that they found out the sex of the baby and it isn't what they were hoping for.  My discussions focus on when to get the Beta shots for the baby's lung development, at what gestational age would we be okay using the local NICU, and answering questions about contractions, bleeding, and leaking fluid.
I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to only really have to worry about getting the nursery set up and the baby clothes washed.  That is not my reality, and sometimes (most times actually) that really sucks.  It is so unfortunate that some women are robbed of that bliss of preparing for a new baby.  Hopefully, in the future there will be less of us with these types of experiences.

History Does Repeat Itself Just In Case You Were Wondering.

So, it has happened again I have been put in the hospital due to my cranky cervix.  The irony is that this is right about the same time I went in with Oliver's pregnancy.  This time there was some warning, but still didn't prevent me from having the ugly cry in the doctor's office.  I was told and shown on the ultrasound that my cervix had funneled to the stitch and that they wanted to keep a close eye on me.  He did let me go home and pack a bag before I had to go in.  This allowed my husband to leave work early to meet me at home and for me to say good bye to my sweet boy.  It was so hard to say good bye to Ollie, I like spending my days with him and he is at such a fun age of curiosity and exploration.
I feel like we are somewhat better prepared for this hospital stay both mentally and physically.  Right now I have the mindset of I have done this once and I can do it again, just a lot longer this time.  I worry about Justin since he is being pulled in three different directions.  We pretty much knew that at some point I would most likely go in, just not this soon.  I do not have the same amount of terror and dread with this one.  I think it helps greatly knowing the staff here and the routine.  Justin knows to ask for a cot right away and to keep it in my room.  He knows what elevators to take and what bathrooms to use. 
Justin stayed overnight the first night to make sure things were okay.  I had to laugh when he came back from the cafeteria once and said "do you think it is strange that I feel kind of at home here?"  I think that only people who have a chronic illness or a medically fragile child will understand his statement.  We spent about a quarter of a year here and got to know all these people who we saw day in and day out.  Many of these people are still working here.  Yesterday, I had three different people who don't work on antepartum, come to my room to visit when they saw Justin walking in the halls.  It is comfortable here, and my time here will be what I make of it.  Yes, it is scary knowing that things are not going in the right direction.  This time however I have the cerclages in and I have waaaaaaay more cervix than last time.  I still have anxiety each and every time I have an ultrasound, ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power.  I know that the more I am prone the less stress on the stitch there is.  So I will wear my leg squeezers and drink my water and think happy full term thoughts.

So What Do You Do All Day?

This seems to be the popular question asked often of a woman on bedrest.  I try and keep myself occupied during the day.  The more distracted I can be the faster and easier the day goes.  I really try and not think about how much further I have to go with my pregnancy, it is overwhelming and scary to think about.  My days pretty much follow the same routine that they had before I went on bedrest.  I get up when Oliver wakes up.  I still am involved in his care, but can't lift him.  I pick out his clothes and decide what he will eat.  I basically direct his care from the couch.  We play and read books together.  Some days I hang out in my pajamas for awhile but I always get dressed everyday.  Some days I will take a shower, just because I am not allowed much activity doesn't mean that I have to be stinky. 
I pretty much have one or two doctor appointments a week, so depending on where the appointments are I could be gone for half the day or only about an hour.
I am working my way through my reading list which is nice.  I spend a lot of time on www.goodreads.com selecting new books to read and checking out what my friends are reading.  Our Netflix subscription is getting a good workout and I have now watched so many television series it isn't funny.  Every afternoon my mom and I watch the Rachel Ray Show and the Ellen Show.   My Sidelines buddy told me about www.pogo.com which is an online game site.  Those games are like crack, and some days I play a lot of games. There are also quite a few blogs that I follow and I do read them throughout the day.
When my husband is home from work we have been having discussions about all things baby and Oliver.  I am fast approaching viability and we have been debating for a few weeks about what gestational age we would feel comfortable letting the local NICU care for the baby if s/he comes early.  There isn't an easy answer as there are all these unknown outcomes. 
Basically, I just try and get through each day without freaking out.