3 years, can you believe it?!? It has been 3 years since we first started walking on this journey of prematurity. I can honestly say that it has been a blur. A blur of sadness, terror, and depression. But it has also been a blur of laughter, and happiness. The past 3 years have been such a trial for me. Life really almost took me down, but I am still here, wobbly at times but still standing, everyday a little stronger. I knew that I was a strong person before this but this has caused me to dig deeper then I ever thought I could, and sometimes I questioned if I wanted to do anymore digging, I was so exhausted. I have had so much help to get me to where I am today. There were times that I was so exhausted and numb that I needed someone to drag/carry me to keep me moving forward.
A great many changes occurred in the past 3 years. Most notably I waged war against some pretty relentless demons. I still wrestle with them occasionally, but I now have the weapons to win the fight.
Our second blessing also decided to enter the world very early. 17 months ago our lives were pretty much turned upside down by her. She was blessed with a fighting spirit and man does she show it. I have visions of her in ruffled skirts and pigtails standing in front of me with her hands on her hips tapping her toe to demonstrate her displeasure in something. It took her a year before she decided that sleep was a good thing.
I am still working on myself, but have come a very long way in accepting things. I am getting back in shape and dropping the weight that accumulated over 3 years. I am learning to not expect perfection from myself. There are no perfect people.
I feel like I am getting my life back in balance. I am able to find joy in everyday things. I am no longer consumed by constant thoughts about the babies and constantly questioning why. The sharpness and edginess of that are slowly being smoothed over. I do still get twinges of grief and jealousy when I see pregnant women, or hear about a woman's perfect birth story. They no longer override my joy in this new precious life, I am able to be truly happy for a woman who was able to birth her baby the way she wanted.
I still have that nagging thoughts of "what if" and "maybe this time." I am working on accepting that there will not be another baby blossoming inside of me. I still want another child, and I pray that one will find its way into our family.
I have to say that life has taught me a lot over the past 3 years. Not all the lessons have been pleasant but I have learned greatly from them.
I thank you for joining me on part of my journey. Your support means more than you will ever know.
This is one of my favorite NICU songs. I hope you enjoy it.
