Oh to wean or not to wean, that is the question that I have been wrestling with lately. Miss A is now a year old and shows no sign of stopping nursing. I know all the great benefits of breastmilk, really I do, I don't think that I am being a bad mom because I am thinking of turning off the tap. The main reason I am thinking of closing up shop is that my lovely daughter can be a bit physical with her source of liquid refreshment, well actually very, very, very aggressive. I continue to work on her manners when she is at the bar, but she is so strong and fast that she can easily get in a few pinches, and scratches before I can gain control of her hands. Then she struggles to free her hands so that she can go back to kneading me like bread dough. OUCH! It is a comfort thing for her. I have tried all sorts of things to get those hands to behave.
So, yesterday I had made up my mind that I was done. Done with the scratches, the bruises, the constant deflecting of little grabby hands. Done with her constantly pulling on the neck of my shirts, because she feels she should have access 24/7. Done with waiting for the next pinch. Done with feeling like her plaything.
Then last night after she was asleep, I sat on our bed with the hubs and just sobbed. I thought about how she was the last baby. How I didn't really want to be done with babies in our house. Then I thought about how unbelievably hard I worked to get to this point. How I fought for more nursing time in the NICU so that I would have more of a supply for her. All those weeks of pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock so that she could eat. The weight of all that work weighed heavy on my shoulders.
Was I just throwing it away? Am I being selfish? Is it okay to just be done? Should I continue until she is at her due date? Should I continue until she is ready to be done? What if she is never done? Can I take anymore of her grabby hands?
I. Don't. Know.
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