Nerves

This week I have been a bundle of nerves.  Justin and I have an appointment with the high risk OB tomorrow.  I made the appointment to get some answers about the possibility of adding to our family.  No, we are not planning on having another child any time soon.  I am nervous about the appointment because depending on what the doctor says will determine the course we will take to our next child.  I want to hear what he says and at the same time I don't.  Part of me wants to go and hide under a rock but the other part of me knows that I will be more relaxed knowing the options.  Since I am a planner I need to know what he is thinking so that I can research and make a decision that both Justin and I can live with.  We will be meeting with the doctor who delivered Oliver, we like him and know that he will be honest with us. 
I am dreading rehashing my history.  I really hate discussing the horrible decision that I made in college that has lead us to this point.  I know that they need to know the details of my procedures, but they have all that information from last summer.  I feel like I am wearing a neon sign of shame and guilt for all to see.  I mean Justin and the doctor know what happened do we really need to go over every aspect of it.  I just wish I had a magic wand to make this an easy appointment.  The reality is that it will not be easy or quick and ultimately we will have a difficult decision to make in the future.  We know and understand that there are no guarantees with either decision that we make, which makes it all the more difficult to come to a conclusion.   I think I will go and vomit now.