I was able to meet the second perinatologist in the morning. He basically laid it all out on the line, which I appreciated as I am an information seeker. Even though he was giving me the statistics that I already knew, it was still hard to hear them in the context of my own pregnancy and my own child. I had worked with several preemies over the years and had seen the various outcomes, some were really good and some were devastating.
The doctor gave me the goals that I would be working toward, all while laying down in bed. My first goal was to make it to 23 weeks, 11 days away. The day that I reached 23 weeks I would be given the first of two steroid shots to speed up Bean's lung development. I would be given the second shot 24 hours after the first. He informed me that they were saving 23 week babies but with the baby being born so early there were usually life long complications if the baby lived. My second goal was to make it to 24 weeks when the chance of survival increases dramatically. These babies also tend to have very difficult and long NICU courses and a lot have life long complications. He told me that with every week after 24 the outcome keeps improving. The plan was that I would continue to receive the antibiotic until the lab results were back. I would also have to stay on the mag as long as I was tolerating it. He asked me if I slept the night before and I told him that I didn't, apparently I looked pretty bad. If I did not start sleeping then I would be given medication, which I was not excited about. We discussed the length, or lack there of, of my cervix. He informed me that I would have ultrasounds every week to check the baby and to measure my cervix. I would have one a week, but could have more if the doctors wanted to check things out. I asked him if I was allowed to take a shower, I had visions of not being allowed to shower and having to have bed baths. He assured me that as long as I was allowed to walk into the bathroom that I could take a quick (no more than 10 minutes) shower every few days. He said the kindest words to me then: "being able to get up and go to the bathroom, take a shower, and wear your own clothes is good for the psyche."
After he left the reality of this situation hit me full in the face. Bean's life depended on my body not kicking him out too soon. 11 days seemed like an eternity and the other goals I could not even think about because they were so far away. I once again gave in and cried. I was still crying when Justin and my mom arrived a few hours later. Justin crawled into bed with me and just held me. My nurse arrived around that time and gave me even more goals. I had to try and control my anxiety, drink lots of water, and lay on my side. I was able to take a shower that day. My arm was wrapped to keep water away from my IV. Justin stayed in the bathroom with me while I took the fastest shower of my life, he kept telling me to hurry up. I felt so much better after that shower and putting on clothes. For the first time since being admitted I truly had hope that I would make it to viability. I asked that all visitors be calm and not freak out. My mom said that I had put on my big girl pants. I hunkered in and mentally prepared to stay pregnant. I was NOT going to have a preemie.
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