Grief

 My body was slowly healing, but my heart was breaking.  I was unprepared for the feelings of grief that would wash over me.  I was so very sad at the loss of my pregnancy and was in mourning for it.  I did not fully understand these feelings for a few weeks.  I thought I was crazy for feeling so sad at the loss of the pregnancy, after all my baby was alive.  How can you mourn something like a pregnancy it isn't a living thing.  What helped me to realize that I was not a freak for feeling this way was the Dr. Sears book "The Premature Baby Book".  It was sent to me by my good friend Katie, and I think it helped to save my sanity.  I learned that it is very common for mothers of premature babies to grieve for the early loss of the pregnancy.  It was normal to feel so sad, and angry at the same time.
Every time I saw a pregnant woman I wanted to cry and sometimes I did.  There were times I wanted to walk up to these women and try and tell them just how very lucky they were to still be pregnant.  I avoided talking to and seeing my friends who were pregnant, I couldn't deal with that.  Other times when I would overhear pregnant women complaining about being pregnant and just wanting the baby to be delivered now so what if it was a few months early, I would be so angry at them to not appreciate how the pregnancy was keeping their baby safe.  I still have to take a deep breath and force myself to relax so that I do not reach out and slap or shake these women who will complain about their pregnancy to me.  I know that there is no way to convey to others the horror of watching your premature baby fight to live.  It is something that you can never truly understand unless you have been through it.  No one should have to see their child on life support.
Night time was difficult for me as I would lay there in bed I so desperately wanted to feel my baby floating and poking around in my belly.  I was so sad that I never got to experience the full pregnancy.  My belly did not get very big.  I was only just starting to really feel my baby move right before he was delivered.  I wanted people to look at me and know that I was pregnant.  I did not get to experience all the plans that go along with being pregnant.  I did not get to set up my child's nursery.  I did not get to wash all the clothes and put them away so they were ready for the arrival of the baby.  I did not have a baby shower before he was born.  I am still sensitive about people who complain about not getting something they really wanted at their shower.  I want to grab them and through gritted teeth tell them how my husband and mother in law spent a whole evening shopping to get EVERYTHING we needed for our baby.  He gave up time with his child to do this, so do not ever bitch to me or any parent of a preemie, about how you didn't get your swing or stroller, or that you ONLY had 3 baby showers.  At times like these my grief is as sharp and painful as a razor and I physically ache inside.
Grieving takes time, time to work through the feelings and emotions.  Time to dull the pain, but knowing that it will never fully go away.  I know now that I will always feel a little sad about losing this pregnancy so early and that is okay.   There is sadness in my heart when I see the scars on my body and the scars on my son's body.
I see the world differently now.  My husband and I are different people now, different than we were before all of this.   Once you take off your rose-colored glasses, you can never, ever put them back on, no matter how hard you try.