I was excited to make it to my second trimester. I had been slightly worried about miscarriage during the first trimester. Things were looking good and I was feeling good. My husband and I named our baby "Bean" since we did not want to know the sex. We were so excited to see the 18 week ulrasound that showed Bean totally chilling in my uterus. Bean spent the entire ultrasound laying on his back with his legs propped up, he really felt no need to dance and spin around even though we were hoping to see some action. My cervix length at this appointment fell in the low end of normal. Everything with Bean looked good: beating heart, four limbs, spinal vertebra were closed. An appointment was made for a cervical length check in two weeks when I would be 20 weeks along. I continued along with working and just enjoying my pregnancy. I was a little nervous wondering if my cervix would hold up to the increased weight of Bean.
The night before I had my repeat length check I sent out an email to our family and friends telling them that I had hit the 20 week mark and was half way through my pregnancy. I also wrote that I hoped the second half would go as quickly as the first half had gone. I look back at those words with a sense of irony, I did not realize at that time that I had less than 2 months left of my pregnancy.
We were typical expectant parents who showed off the ultrasound pictures to anyone and everyone, even if they were not nearly so excited to see them. Our families were excited about the addition of a new baby. Bean would be the third grandchild on Justin's side and the first on my side. We did discuss our concerns about cardiac issues on both sides of our families with my midwife. We were given the option of having a level 2 ultrasound to check the anatomy of Bean's heart. We checked with our insurance to see where we could go for the scan, University of Iowa Hospital in Iowa City or OSF Hospital in Peoria. Our appointment was made for June 16th, 2010 at OSF. I would be 21 weeks and 1 day at this appointment. Justin and I were looking forward to the appointment since we were hoping to see some great pictures of Bean's face. Around that time I discussed different ways to prepare for labor and birth with my midwife. She recommended a hypnosis birth class. I looked into it and liked what I read so I ordered the CD set to start preparing at home. I wanted a calm labor experience with very little medical intervention, that is why I sought out my midwife. She had a reputation of really working with women who wanted a natural and calm experience. I will be honest I even looked into a home birth but Justin immediately put a stop to that.
So with those plans in place I went to my 20 week length check full of hope. I really did not expect anything to come of this and did not feel the need for Justin to come along since it would only be a very quick check. I remember laying on the ultrasound table with the ultrasound tech holding the probe between my legs and watching her face crinkle into a look of concentration. I asked her if things were alright and she replied calmly that I had lost some length, but wouldn't tell me how much. She said she was going to call my doctor and see if they wanted to see me, I did not have an appointment as I was only there for a length check. I was told that they wanted to see me right away. My midwife was not working that day so I saw one of the doctors. I waited in an exam room for the doctor wondering how much length I had lost and how serious it was. I had a knot of panic that was in my stomach that I had to keep swallowing or else I would slide over the edge and give in to the panic. The doctor came in and she was very nice and easy to talk with. She told me that my cervix now measured 1.8 centimeters. I asked about having a cerclage but she did not think there was enough tissue left and the risk of nicking the sac was too great to risk. My work duties were discussed and she determined that I could no longer work. She also put me on modified bed rest at home. I went back to my office in somewhat a state of shock. I told my coworkers what happened. I sat down with my fellow OT to discuss what clients she could add to her caseload and who would have to be put on a waiting list until a new OT was hired. I sat down with my boss to tell him what was going on. I hadn't cried until that meeting. I gathered up some files to work on and went home to lay down and try and do paperwork in a horizontal position. My midwife called the next day to check in and see if I had any questions. I asked her if we should cancel the level 2 ultrasound that was scheduled for the next week, she encouraged me to keep the appointment and wanted them to measure my cervix.
The day of the ultrasound arrived Justin drove while I reclined in the seat next to him. The appointment started off fine answering all the endless questions of my health and our families histories. The scan started and things looked good. The doctor arrived and looked at the images then they began the measuring of my cervix. I clearly remember the doctor pursing her lips and sighing right before she uttered the words that would change everything "I am going to have to admit you." I instantly lost it and started sobbing the ultrasound tech handed me kleenex. The doctor told me that my cervix was measuring at 0.8 centimeters and funneling. She showed us the images, I was shocked to see the V that my cervix had become. Justin asked if I could be admitted to the hospital back at home since OSF was 90 minutes away from home. She told him that it was better that I was kept here since they had a level III NICU and any baby born before 28 weeks would automatically be transferred to OSF. Justin was given directions to the hospital and told to take me to the ER since she did not want me walking at all. On the way to the hospital I called work and told them that I was being admitted and would not be back. I also called my parents and left an message hoping to catch them before they left for vacation. I have no idea how we got to the hospital but arrived at the doors for the ER and I was wheeled inside and taken to the admitting area. Justin was given directions on where to park, I was worried that he would not be able to find me. I sat alone in the lobby in a wheelchair waiting to be admitted, trying not to cry with my nose running and kept wiping my face with the soaking wet kleenex I had been given at the clinic. People in the lobby kept looking at me. It was the most alone I have ever felt in my life.
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