The First Night

Justin and my mom left a few hours after dinner.  Justin had to go home and pack a bag for me, my request was for pajamas.  I just wanted something soft and comfortable, all I wanted was some comfort.  Saying good bye to them was so hard.  I didn't want to be alone, here in is this hospital so far away from home.
The unit is very quiet at night.  I turned off the lights in my room and stared out the window at the lights of this city that I did not know.  Thoughts have a way of creeping into your head and rattling around at night.  I hated that first night.  I did not sleep at all that whole night I was so scared.  My arm was burning from the IV of mag.  The bed was not very comfortable and I was afraid to move around too much in case I snagged the IV.
My thoughts were very dark that night.  I thought about the fact that I was only 21 weeks and Bean did not have a chance of surviving for at least 12 more days.  Even if my body made it to 23 weeks I knew the statistics of babies born that early and they are pretty grim.  I thought about Bean being fully formed and looking like a tiny baby, I honestly did not know if I would be able to look at my child if he did come too soon and died.  Would we have a funeral to let everyone say goodbye and mourn a life that started and ended far too soon?  I wondered if I would be able to go back to work, I didn't know if I could face seeing my friends and clients who had babies.  I did not know how Justin and I would recover from this.  I apologized to Bean for the failure of my body.  I prayed in between these thoughts.  Mostly asking God to save my baby.  Sometime in the early morning hours before the sunrise I was at the point where I felt like I had to keep praying and if I didn't then I would lose this child.  It was an awful awful awful night.