The days after

The next morning Justin and I headed back down to the NICU to see Oliver.  We were greeted by a surprise, Oliver was no longer on the vent!  He had just been transitioned to CPAP earlier that morning.  He now looked like a fighter pilot, or Darth Vader without the black helmet.  His hair was all gooey and his neo told us that he had had his first brain ultrasound.  I held my breath while Justin asked what the results were. There was a "spot" but they were not for sure that it was a bleed because the straps from the CPAP prevented them from getting a  better look.  I asked where the spot was, as in what area of the brain.  In my brain, I was wondering what area could potentially be involved: motor, speech, cognitive, vision.  These all tumbled around my brain in the second it took her to answer me with the right side.  I calmly asked what area of the right side.  The light blub clicked on for her and she said "that's right you are an OT.  It's in the parietal lobe."  I thought good thing I am an OT who has worked with children who have sensory integration and coordination issues.  It also made me want to cry.
My perinatologist came and found us in the NICU - he was rounding and I wasn't in my room.  He asked us how Oliver was doing, and we were happy that he was off the vent.  My doctor asked me how I was feeling, my abdomen was still numb but the rest of me felt like I had been hit by a truck.   He explained that during the surgery he tried to get Oliver out with the usual horizontal incision on my uterus, but that he was too stuck and he didn't want to hurt him.  He ended up having to also make a vertical incision to allow for more room to maneuver Oliver.  I though that it was rather ironic that this tiny baby needed an extra large incision to get him out.  It was further explained that since I had this vertical incision that any further pregnancies would require a section and a VBAC was not recommended due to an increased risk of rupture.  All I could think was with these words was "there is NO way we are doing this again!!!!"
We returned to my room shortly after my doctor left.  It was time for pain meds for me.  I got back in bed and took a nap.  My parents came to visit and Justin took them down to see Ollie.  When my mom came back from the NICU I told her that I was cold and she put another blanket on me.  I slept awhile longer until the PCT came in to take my vitals.  I was freezing and shivering while she took my temp.  She informed me that I had a fever of 100.  I thought that was not possible since I was so cold.  I went back to sleep.  My nurse came in with some needles and three large glass bottles.  She informed me that my doctor wanted some blood to see what kind of infection I had and to see what kinds of antibiotics it was sensitive to.  She explained that she had to fill each of these bottles half way full.  Let the bloodletting begin.  She left once she got enough blood and returned with a small bag of  IV antibiotics.  She explained that the doctor wanted me on 3 different antibiotics to try and get rid of the infection while they waited for the results to come back from the blood cultures which would take at least 2 days.  Since I had a temp I was not allowed to go to the NICU until I had been fever free for 24 hours.
I spent the day in bed with a cold wash cloth over my eyes and an ice pack on my abdomen.  I know that Justin's parents came that day to meet their newest grandchild.  My aunt, uncle, and cousin also came to see Oliver.  Justin spent the whole day taking them all to visit Ollie.  Only one visitor at a time could go into the NICU, so everyone had to take turns.  During the next day, Justin and I decided on Oliver's middle name: "Steven".  We named him after his grandfather, Justin's dad.  I do not remember much of those two days as I became sicker and sicker.  My fever peaked at 105.8, around 4 AM about 36 hours after the section.  I was pretty scared at that point, I was worried that I would have a seizure or my brain would boil.  I have never felt so hot and miserable in my life.  I was given ice packs to help cool me down, I have never had the desire to snuggle with ice packs but it felt so good to have something cold touch my skin.  The Percocet I was taking for pain helped to bring my fever down for a few hours but each time it was time for a new dose my fever was back.  All in all I spent 9 days in the hospital after Ollie was born fighting this infection that would not go away.  I was released with instructions to take an oral antibiotic for 14 more days.  Needless to say my GI system was out of whack for a looong time after all those antibiotics.
During those 9 days, Oliver continued to improve and after 4 days on CPAP, he was moved to the high flow nasal canula.  I clearly remember the day I walked into the NICU and saw that he was off the CPAP.  His nurse was doing some cares for him at that time so the bili lights were off and his goggles were off his face.  It was the first time I got to see most of his face, it was overwhelming to see what he looked like.  I teared up and sniffled as I stared at him taking in all his features.  His nose was from my mom's side of the family, his eyes were Justin's, and his lips were mine.  He had lost 5 ounces by this day so he was below 2 pounds and did not look very good.  He actually looked like a wrinkled monkey.  His nurse went and got the unit's camera and took some pictures of Ollie for us.  Then she told me to hold out my hands and placed my tiny child in them!  I was terrified that I would hurt him he was so fragile and tiny.  I couldn't help myself and just started bawling.  His nurse told me to hold him close to my body and to smile as she took a picture of the two of us.  It is the most awkward looking picture of the two of us but I treasure it.  I am crying and he is all skinny arms and legs with all these tubes coming off his body.  His nurse that day told me that one of the three bili lights was turned off and the humidity in his fish tank was lowered.

 Oliver on day 4.  He would often grab the oxygen tubing at the back of his head.  His head is slightly misshapen above his goggles due to the pressure of the CPAP mask.  It did eventually pop back into shape.

 Trying to warm up after having a heart and head ultrasound.  Both were clear, woo hoo!

I was able to see him 5 of the 9 days I was in the hospital due to the fevers.  I began to hear that voice telling me that Oliver would live.  I was too afraid to fully believe that voice, the cold hand of fear had wrapped itself around my heart and mind.  I just had to let go of the fear and trust that God would carry us through this.  It was kind of like standing on the edge of a very tall cliff and looking down to see a very soft spot to land in. God is telling you that it is okay to jump, he will catch you and keep you from hitting the jagged rocks on the way down.
Justin and I learned how to participate in Ollie's cares.  Every three hours we were able to take his temp and change his diaper.  We memorized his milk account # and recited it to the nurses for each feeding we were present at.  Oliver was on TPN through his PICC line, it is IV nutrition.  His stomach was primed for 5 days to prepare it for eating.  Basically his priming schedule was started at 1 ml of milk every 3 hours and increased slightly every 5th feed as long as he was tolerating it.  He was watched closely for signs of NEC during this as he had developed distended loops of bowel.  Basically you could see his intestines through his skin and this is one of the signs that the intestines might be dying.  NEC is devastating and can be fatal in babies.  Preemies have a much higher risk of developing this infection than term babies.  Things eventually settled down with his intestines and he made it through his priming schedule and began regular feeds.  He was too young to know how to suck from a nipple so he was fed through a tube that went from his mouth to his stomach.  We were fast becoming NICU veterans and spoke in the NICU vocabulary.