Reflections

As some of you are aware today marks the day I was admitted to the Antepartum unit at OSF last year.  I was nervous of this day, I wasn't sure how I would feel.  Last year this day was so charged with raw emotion and terror. There are a few days this summer that make me slightly apprehensive, the big one being Oliver's birthday.  I had discussed this with my therapist during my last session with her.  She suggested acknowledging that there is still some residual sadness, but to not allow myself to dwell on it.  I will admit that this morning I got a little teary thinking about what happened last year.  After that brief moment I decided to continue with my day.  There was laundry to be done and a little guy to take care of.  Oliver and I also took a bike ride to enjoy the sunshine.
As I was reflecting on things this morning I remembered some silly things people have said to me over this past year.  My favorite is: "I could NEVER be on bedrest for 6 weeks!  I don't know how you did it.  I would be going crazy."  I still get this response when people find out about my bed rest.  I just smile and tell them "Yes you can and you would."  I know that I did not go crazy because I went into survival mode.  Basically, my brain shifted gears and took all that junk that I couldn't deal with at the moment and put it away for me to process much later. 
I could not have imagined how different and yet the same my life would be.  There is no way you can go through an experience like this and not be changed.  I acknowledge that I needed a lot of help to get through this past year.  I have learned a lot about myself and other people.  I have moved through different stages of grief.  I now feel like I am at a place of acceptance about what happened to Oliver.  That doesn't mean that I don't still feel sadness and guilt, I think there will always be some of that, but I have been able to let some of it go.  I still hold my breath each time he is placed on a scale, hoping that he is gaining weight at an acceptable rate.  I feel a sense of relief each time he does something new.  At the same time I still watch him like a hawk for atypical movements and behaviors.  I also still check on him every night before going to bed to make sure he is okay.  I am slooooowly relaxing about him and sitting back a bit so that I can enjoy him in all his baby glory.  It has taken me a year but I am really looking forward to the future with Oliver and Justin.  I am enjoying doing "normal" kid things with Ollie: bike rides, swimming, playing in the sandbox, reading books, sitting in the grass, blowing raspberries on his tummy, and getting slobbery kisses.   
This time last year I could not let myself dream of these things.