A new chapter in our lives has begun. We recently found out that we are expecting our 2nd child. Instead of feeling excitement and joy at the news we were shocked and scared. I feel robbed of those good feelings of expecting a new child. I am glad that we had the meeting with the MFM doctor this spring so we know what the plan of action will be this time. But there is still that undercurrent of terror that I know both my husband and I feel about this. I so desperately want those rose colored glasses, I want that overwhelming joy and excitement that expectant mothers feel. Instead I find myself hesitating to tell people, I am worried that they will question us about this. I dread the insensitive comments that are made without thinking. I worry that people will not be excited for this baby, as our experience with Oliver is still so fresh in their minds.
I feel like an awful and ungrateful person when people ask me if I am excited about this pregnancy, and I tell them that I hope to be there eventually. I so want to be able to let go of the fear and relax and enjoy this pregnancy. It is so hard to do when you have seen too much and watched your first child suffer and fight to survive.
I do have a feeling that things will be alright in the end with this pregnancy. I also had this feeling with Oliver, but the road from pregnancy to a healthy baby at home was a long, hard, scary, and painful road to travel. I don't want to travel that road again, but ultimately I understand that things are in God's hands.
My husband and I are hopeful that with the interventions planned for this pregnancy that I will get to term or darn close. The MFM doctor couldn't guarantee that I would make it to 37 weeks but felt like I could make further than 27 weeks.
We are also planning ahead on some things this time around. Trying to get some projects done now. I will have a bag packed in the car once I get close to viability (lets face it husbands and dads pick out really random clothes when you are not there to direct things.). I am still working out as I anticipate my activity level drastically dropping once I get to my second trimester. I feel a great need to get things set up and put in place sooner rather than later. I want to get the room set up this time, there is something special about this that you don't realize until you don't get to do it.
Does this make me a pessimist? Perhaps but I prefer to look at myself as a realist.
So here's hoping for the best.
I don't think I've met anyone who had a micro that didn't feel fear in their second pregnancy. I think the biggest thing is to talk about it. Lots of women on preemieblogmoms have had multiple pregnancies. Nearly all went to term. I know all of the emails are overwhelming but you can still get good insight about it. You are all in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteGreat seeing you today, by the way, and having our impromptu conversation. I love it that other people get how I feel.