Sunday, October 30, 2016
Anticipation
Hi there! Yes, we are still here. It has been a really long time since I sat down and wrote, obviously. The last 2 years have been busy. We are fully settled into our life here, the kids are doing well in school, jobs are going well, we have friends here (yeah!)
Since things are so settled right now, why not change it up in a major way? No, we are not moving, at least we have not found a house that we like enough to make us move. We are going to be adding to our family. Oh yes, we are going to be a family of 5....someday...we hope. We are pursuing a domestic newborn adoption!
I would often tell Justin that it felt like someone was missing from our dinner table. It took us about a year of debate, discussions and disagreements to decide to jump in. Once the decision to adopt was made then the hunt was on for an agency that we felt we could work with. Let me tell you there is a huge variety of adoption agencies out there, and all have different expectations, guidelines, and hoops that one must jump through in order to work with them. We met with a few agencies and settled on one.
We have gone through the home study process, it was relatively painless thankfully, we had heard horror stories of lengthy and expensive home studies. So, now we have in hand the document that states that we are a-okay to be parents (whew!). Then we started the process of putting together our online profile. Writing a profile that will be used to find your future child is difficult to say the least. I mean you have to be completely honest about your life in the hopes that some aspect of what you write and the pictures you choose will somehow catch the eye of a birth mother who is looking through all the other profiles and she will pick you. No pressure.
So, our profile has been posted for almost 2 months. We are fully in the waiting game now, which, if I am honest, kind of stinks. Living your life while waiting for a phone call that will ultimately change our life is really hard some days. To stay sane I try and not think about it too much, but everyday I have moments where I wonder when it will happen. I wonder if we picked the "right" pictures, did we get too wordy, should we have shared other aspects of our life?
Most importantly I wonder who our child will be. What will they look like? What will their personality be like? Will they like the hustle and bustle of our house of two older siblings and two dogs? Will they be a good sleeper, or will we be spending the nights on the couch binge watching Netflix? Honestly, I am kind of scared to raise a healthy term baby. I mean I know what to do with a medically fragile preemie, that is our normal. How will I sleep if they aren't hooked up to monitors and alarms, no round the clock medication schedules, no nurses dropping by for weight checks and injections, no living through the winter months in quarantine, no specialists, no developmental appointments. That is the safety net I am used to having around me with a newborn.
I wonder what kind of relationship will develop with our child's birth family. Will we be able to reach a point of having a fully open and healthy relationship? We feel that it is important for our child to know their story, and having some sort of contact with the birth family will be so important for that.
So we wait and wait annnnnd wait.
Since things are so settled right now, why not change it up in a major way? No, we are not moving, at least we have not found a house that we like enough to make us move. We are going to be adding to our family. Oh yes, we are going to be a family of 5....someday...we hope. We are pursuing a domestic newborn adoption!
I would often tell Justin that it felt like someone was missing from our dinner table. It took us about a year of debate, discussions and disagreements to decide to jump in. Once the decision to adopt was made then the hunt was on for an agency that we felt we could work with. Let me tell you there is a huge variety of adoption agencies out there, and all have different expectations, guidelines, and hoops that one must jump through in order to work with them. We met with a few agencies and settled on one.
We have gone through the home study process, it was relatively painless thankfully, we had heard horror stories of lengthy and expensive home studies. So, now we have in hand the document that states that we are a-okay to be parents (whew!). Then we started the process of putting together our online profile. Writing a profile that will be used to find your future child is difficult to say the least. I mean you have to be completely honest about your life in the hopes that some aspect of what you write and the pictures you choose will somehow catch the eye of a birth mother who is looking through all the other profiles and she will pick you. No pressure.
So, our profile has been posted for almost 2 months. We are fully in the waiting game now, which, if I am honest, kind of stinks. Living your life while waiting for a phone call that will ultimately change our life is really hard some days. To stay sane I try and not think about it too much, but everyday I have moments where I wonder when it will happen. I wonder if we picked the "right" pictures, did we get too wordy, should we have shared other aspects of our life?
Most importantly I wonder who our child will be. What will they look like? What will their personality be like? Will they like the hustle and bustle of our house of two older siblings and two dogs? Will they be a good sleeper, or will we be spending the nights on the couch binge watching Netflix? Honestly, I am kind of scared to raise a healthy term baby. I mean I know what to do with a medically fragile preemie, that is our normal. How will I sleep if they aren't hooked up to monitors and alarms, no round the clock medication schedules, no nurses dropping by for weight checks and injections, no living through the winter months in quarantine, no specialists, no developmental appointments. That is the safety net I am used to having around me with a newborn.
I wonder what kind of relationship will develop with our child's birth family. Will we be able to reach a point of having a fully open and healthy relationship? We feel that it is important for our child to know their story, and having some sort of contact with the birth family will be so important for that.
So we wait and wait annnnnd wait.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
New Beginnings
Springtime is a time for renewal and new beginnings. Our family has taken this to heart. New job, new home, new community, new adventures. We have relocated 3 hours away from our home. We are writing a new chapter in our life together. This was a very, very difficult decision for us. It was hard to decide to move to a place where we knew no one. It was hard to leave that safety net of doctors, therapists, and teachers for the kids. It can be pretty scary to take a leap of faith.
I feel the leap was worth it. Every step of this process has just felt right. The pieces fell into place. Justin moved away to start working before we had sold our house. He would come home on the weekends. I was a single parent who was keeping a house show ready with two toddlers. It was hard you guys, single parenting is HARD and I had a lot of help and support. Thankfully our house sold quickly. I bought a house for us in record time. We had two great realtors who really helped in the buying and selling process. After our house was under contract I made a day trip to look at houses. I saw 2 houses (real estate here is flying). I really liked one of the houses and felt like it was in our best interest to act quickly since in about a month we would be homeless. Sooooo I wrote the offer and it was accepted before Justin ever set foot in the house. No worries he liked it. It is home built in 1880, but has been updated. The floors give away the age of the home. None are level...Some rainy day I am going to drop a marble and see where it ends up. We have a park right around the corner from our home. The kids enjoy spending a lot of time there. Our garden is in and the kids are not quite grasping the concept that plants take time to grow. We are meeting our neighbors and have discovered that most of the town has been inside our home. Which is weird to think about.
Justin really likes his new job. He is enjoying the change of scene and the new challenges. The best part is that our new home is about 10 minutes from his office. We get to see so much more of him which is wonderful. We are exploring our new community and have found some really great places for the kids. The plan for the near future is to basically play tourist and get fully unpacked and settled.
Thanks to Oliver swallowing a penny we met the pediatrician early. The practice seems nice and everyone involved in the ordeal was patient with him. We have also met his new asthma doctor, who I kinda just want to put in my pocket and take him with me. He is great! I was pretty upfront about my desire to keep Oliver out of the hospital if we can when he has a flare up, but also wanting his criteria for admitting if needed. We have tweaked some meds and are on a trial run of some things.
Anna is taking things in stride. If anything she has become more independent and expressive of her desires. Mostly related to her outfits, which is hilarious. I love to see what she puts together.
We miss our family and friends, but know that right now this was the right decision. We are enjoying our adventure.
I feel the leap was worth it. Every step of this process has just felt right. The pieces fell into place. Justin moved away to start working before we had sold our house. He would come home on the weekends. I was a single parent who was keeping a house show ready with two toddlers. It was hard you guys, single parenting is HARD and I had a lot of help and support. Thankfully our house sold quickly. I bought a house for us in record time. We had two great realtors who really helped in the buying and selling process. After our house was under contract I made a day trip to look at houses. I saw 2 houses (real estate here is flying). I really liked one of the houses and felt like it was in our best interest to act quickly since in about a month we would be homeless. Sooooo I wrote the offer and it was accepted before Justin ever set foot in the house. No worries he liked it. It is home built in 1880, but has been updated. The floors give away the age of the home. None are level...Some rainy day I am going to drop a marble and see where it ends up. We have a park right around the corner from our home. The kids enjoy spending a lot of time there. Our garden is in and the kids are not quite grasping the concept that plants take time to grow. We are meeting our neighbors and have discovered that most of the town has been inside our home. Which is weird to think about.
Justin really likes his new job. He is enjoying the change of scene and the new challenges. The best part is that our new home is about 10 minutes from his office. We get to see so much more of him which is wonderful. We are exploring our new community and have found some really great places for the kids. The plan for the near future is to basically play tourist and get fully unpacked and settled.
Thanks to Oliver swallowing a penny we met the pediatrician early. The practice seems nice and everyone involved in the ordeal was patient with him. We have also met his new asthma doctor, who I kinda just want to put in my pocket and take him with me. He is great! I was pretty upfront about my desire to keep Oliver out of the hospital if we can when he has a flare up, but also wanting his criteria for admitting if needed. We have tweaked some meds and are on a trial run of some things.
Anna is taking things in stride. If anything she has become more independent and expressive of her desires. Mostly related to her outfits, which is hilarious. I love to see what she puts together.
We miss our family and friends, but know that right now this was the right decision. We are enjoying our adventure.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Nemesis
Enemies, we all have them. They are not fun to deal with. We go out of our way to avoid dealing with them. If we are really strong we learn to stand up to them and not let them control our lives. I am my own worst enemy. I know exactly where the chinks in my armor are and I can land blows with lethal accuracy. I like many people struggle with comparing myself against others, and I always find myself lacking. It is an awful way to live and feel about yourself. I have to work hard to silence my own negative voice. It isn't easy, and some days I cannot do it. I am learning to be okay with imperfection.
Next week I will be running my 4th half marathon. It is the first one since I had the kids. I have not gotten in the training miles in like I would have liked. Life has a way of really getting in the way and things come up that are more important then getting in a few miles that day. So, even though my training hasn't gone as well as I would have liked I am still going to run the race, because I CAN. There was a time in my life when I would not have run if I didn't feel like my training had gone well, I didn't want to be embarrassed by a poor performance. Now I think how silly this attitude was, I mean my first half marathon I did was truly awful, the weather was awful, my fitness level was awful, I came in 2nd to last. I beat a 89 year old woman, um yeah not the best start to long distance running. But you know what? I finished that race, even though that negative voice in my head was telling me how much I sucked at running and that I should just stop and drop out of the race. I STILL FINISHED.
I have come so far in the past year of reclaiming me and getting back on track. I am happily down almost 50 pounds, that is such an amazing number to me. When I first started it seemed unattainable, but now here it is right around the corner. I still have more to go but man it feels so good to know that much is gone.
So, yeah I am learning to be okay with things even if they didn't go as planned. I am working hard to silence my nemesis. Who really needs more negativity in their life.
Accept that we are not perfect beings and start to be happy with that.
Next week I will be running my 4th half marathon. It is the first one since I had the kids. I have not gotten in the training miles in like I would have liked. Life has a way of really getting in the way and things come up that are more important then getting in a few miles that day. So, even though my training hasn't gone as well as I would have liked I am still going to run the race, because I CAN. There was a time in my life when I would not have run if I didn't feel like my training had gone well, I didn't want to be embarrassed by a poor performance. Now I think how silly this attitude was, I mean my first half marathon I did was truly awful, the weather was awful, my fitness level was awful, I came in 2nd to last. I beat a 89 year old woman, um yeah not the best start to long distance running. But you know what? I finished that race, even though that negative voice in my head was telling me how much I sucked at running and that I should just stop and drop out of the race. I STILL FINISHED.
I have come so far in the past year of reclaiming me and getting back on track. I am happily down almost 50 pounds, that is such an amazing number to me. When I first started it seemed unattainable, but now here it is right around the corner. I still have more to go but man it feels so good to know that much is gone.
So, yeah I am learning to be okay with things even if they didn't go as planned. I am working hard to silence my nemesis. Who really needs more negativity in their life.
Accept that we are not perfect beings and start to be happy with that.
Monday, July 29, 2013
3 years...
3 years, can you believe it?!? It has been 3 years since we first started walking on this journey of prematurity. I can honestly say that it has been a blur. A blur of sadness, terror, and depression. But it has also been a blur of laughter, and happiness. The past 3 years have been such a trial for me. Life really almost took me down, but I am still here, wobbly at times but still standing, everyday a little stronger. I knew that I was a strong person before this but this has caused me to dig deeper then I ever thought I could, and sometimes I questioned if I wanted to do anymore digging, I was so exhausted. I have had so much help to get me to where I am today. There were times that I was so exhausted and numb that I needed someone to drag/carry me to keep me moving forward.
A great many changes occurred in the past 3 years. Most notably I waged war against some pretty relentless demons. I still wrestle with them occasionally, but I now have the weapons to win the fight.
Our second blessing also decided to enter the world very early. 17 months ago our lives were pretty much turned upside down by her. She was blessed with a fighting spirit and man does she show it. I have visions of her in ruffled skirts and pigtails standing in front of me with her hands on her hips tapping her toe to demonstrate her displeasure in something. It took her a year before she decided that sleep was a good thing.
I am still working on myself, but have come a very long way in accepting things. I am getting back in shape and dropping the weight that accumulated over 3 years. I am learning to not expect perfection from myself. There are no perfect people.
I feel like I am getting my life back in balance. I am able to find joy in everyday things. I am no longer consumed by constant thoughts about the babies and constantly questioning why. The sharpness and edginess of that are slowly being smoothed over. I do still get twinges of grief and jealousy when I see pregnant women, or hear about a woman's perfect birth story. They no longer override my joy in this new precious life, I am able to be truly happy for a woman who was able to birth her baby the way she wanted.
I still have that nagging thoughts of "what if" and "maybe this time." I am working on accepting that there will not be another baby blossoming inside of me. I still want another child, and I pray that one will find its way into our family.
I have to say that life has taught me a lot over the past 3 years. Not all the lessons have been pleasant but I have learned greatly from them.
I thank you for joining me on part of my journey. Your support means more than you will ever know.
This is one of my favorite NICU songs. I hope you enjoy it.
A great many changes occurred in the past 3 years. Most notably I waged war against some pretty relentless demons. I still wrestle with them occasionally, but I now have the weapons to win the fight.
Our second blessing also decided to enter the world very early. 17 months ago our lives were pretty much turned upside down by her. She was blessed with a fighting spirit and man does she show it. I have visions of her in ruffled skirts and pigtails standing in front of me with her hands on her hips tapping her toe to demonstrate her displeasure in something. It took her a year before she decided that sleep was a good thing.
I am still working on myself, but have come a very long way in accepting things. I am getting back in shape and dropping the weight that accumulated over 3 years. I am learning to not expect perfection from myself. There are no perfect people.
I feel like I am getting my life back in balance. I am able to find joy in everyday things. I am no longer consumed by constant thoughts about the babies and constantly questioning why. The sharpness and edginess of that are slowly being smoothed over. I do still get twinges of grief and jealousy when I see pregnant women, or hear about a woman's perfect birth story. They no longer override my joy in this new precious life, I am able to be truly happy for a woman who was able to birth her baby the way she wanted.
I still have that nagging thoughts of "what if" and "maybe this time." I am working on accepting that there will not be another baby blossoming inside of me. I still want another child, and I pray that one will find its way into our family.
I have to say that life has taught me a lot over the past 3 years. Not all the lessons have been pleasant but I have learned greatly from them.
I thank you for joining me on part of my journey. Your support means more than you will ever know.
This is one of my favorite NICU songs. I hope you enjoy it.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Welcome to the club.
I feel like this past week was "my friend just had a premature baby" week. I have fielded many calls and emails about these precious new lives born into the world early. Each time I hear about a new baby born too soon my heart hurts a little. I physically ache for these parents who are now part of this exclusive club. This club is special, it isn't one you ever dream that you will become a member of, but once you are your life will never be the same. New members are welcomed with open arms and given a lifeline that they can cling to, to weather this storm that has engulfed their life. Veteran members offer advice, comfort, a shoulder to cry on, understanding, and hope. We have been there, we have seen things that people should never see. We have felt our hearts shatter and learned how to pick up the pieces and put them back together. We have born witness to the strength of our babies, and ourselves. We have felt that weariness that settles deep in your bones when you don't think you can take another step, much less get up and pump for the next 20 minutes. We know that kangarooing isn't about an animal. A PDA has nothing to do
with teenagers making out in the hallway at school. A's, B's, and D's
aren't grades. We will support you on this journey, we will celebrate with you, and we will mourn with you because we know some bodies are just too fragile.
So, to all the new members this week, welcome.
So, to all the new members this week, welcome.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Weaning...the Great Debate
Oh to wean or not to wean, that is the question that I have been wrestling with lately. Miss A is now a year old and shows no sign of stopping nursing. I know all the great benefits of breastmilk, really I do, I don't think that I am being a bad mom because I am thinking of turning off the tap. The main reason I am thinking of closing up shop is that my lovely daughter can be a bit physical with her source of liquid refreshment, well actually very, very, very aggressive. I continue to work on her manners when she is at the bar, but she is so strong and fast that she can easily get in a few pinches, and scratches before I can gain control of her hands. Then she struggles to free her hands so that she can go back to kneading me like bread dough. OUCH! It is a comfort thing for her. I have tried all sorts of things to get those hands to behave.
So, yesterday I had made up my mind that I was done. Done with the scratches, the bruises, the constant deflecting of little grabby hands. Done with her constantly pulling on the neck of my shirts, because she feels she should have access 24/7. Done with waiting for the next pinch. Done with feeling like her plaything.
Then last night after she was asleep, I sat on our bed with the hubs and just sobbed. I thought about how she was the last baby. How I didn't really want to be done with babies in our house. Then I thought about how unbelievably hard I worked to get to this point. How I fought for more nursing time in the NICU so that I would have more of a supply for her. All those weeks of pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock so that she could eat. The weight of all that work weighed heavy on my shoulders.
Was I just throwing it away? Am I being selfish? Is it okay to just be done? Should I continue until she is at her due date? Should I continue until she is ready to be done? What if she is never done? Can I take anymore of her grabby hands?
I. Don't. Know.
So, yesterday I had made up my mind that I was done. Done with the scratches, the bruises, the constant deflecting of little grabby hands. Done with her constantly pulling on the neck of my shirts, because she feels she should have access 24/7. Done with waiting for the next pinch. Done with feeling like her plaything.
Then last night after she was asleep, I sat on our bed with the hubs and just sobbed. I thought about how she was the last baby. How I didn't really want to be done with babies in our house. Then I thought about how unbelievably hard I worked to get to this point. How I fought for more nursing time in the NICU so that I would have more of a supply for her. All those weeks of pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock so that she could eat. The weight of all that work weighed heavy on my shoulders.
Was I just throwing it away? Am I being selfish? Is it okay to just be done? Should I continue until she is at her due date? Should I continue until she is ready to be done? What if she is never done? Can I take anymore of her grabby hands?
I. Don't. Know.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
"The Bag"
"The Bag" has sat on the shelf in our basement for well over two years. I would look at it sitting there and think "I need to go through that." then I would walk away or find something to distract me. You see I wasn't quite sure what was in "The Bag", I hadn't packed it. I was sure I knew the general contents of "The bag", just not specifically what is contained. I felt like it was my Pandora's box, I couldn't put back what I saw once I opened it.
I started to think more about opening "The Bag" a few months after Miss A came home. My husband had hired a home organizer to come and give us some tips to try and make our house look less like there were two very young children and two very stressed out and tired parents living in it. She was nice and had some good ideas about various areas of concern we had in the upstairs area of our home. Then we went into the basement, which is finished by the way, it isn't some dark, and dank place. One end of our family room has built in bookshelves and on one shelf sits "The Bag". She asked about it and if it could be thrown away, I told her I wasn't ready to throw it away since I would need to go through it first. She asked me what was stopping me form going through it. I fessed up that I didn't really want to face what was in "The Bag", that someday I would be able to. She looked at me expectantly, so I shared with her our story.
"The Bag" is filled with items that accumulated during the months of June and July, 2010. I told her that this time had been very difficult and that I had recently returned from having our second preemie and that I was pretty shot emotionally. She smiled at me and shared that she had had a preemie too and she totally understood how I felt. I asked how early her baby had been, 34 weeks and spent 1 week in the NICU. I said that I was sorry that she had to experience the NICU. In my mind I was thinking that she had no idea what I was saying and that she had no idea what it has been like for us, move on to something other than the f-ing bag!
So, the other day I found a moment where both children were napping, at the same time, I swear I heard angels singing. I felt ready to open "The Bag". I mentally saw my nurses and PCT packing up my room and placing these items in this bag when they got word that I would not be coming back to the unit. So I sat there, with the Kleenex close at hand, and went through "The Bag". I remembered each item and who gave it to me. There were several cards and I read and reread each one. There were so many complex memories tied to these items, it was a little overwhelming to revisit them. At the same time it was freeing, to let go and say good-bye to "The Bag".
One more piece of baggage has been set down as I move further away from that summer.
I started to think more about opening "The Bag" a few months after Miss A came home. My husband had hired a home organizer to come and give us some tips to try and make our house look less like there were two very young children and two very stressed out and tired parents living in it. She was nice and had some good ideas about various areas of concern we had in the upstairs area of our home. Then we went into the basement, which is finished by the way, it isn't some dark, and dank place. One end of our family room has built in bookshelves and on one shelf sits "The Bag". She asked about it and if it could be thrown away, I told her I wasn't ready to throw it away since I would need to go through it first. She asked me what was stopping me form going through it. I fessed up that I didn't really want to face what was in "The Bag", that someday I would be able to. She looked at me expectantly, so I shared with her our story.
"The Bag" is filled with items that accumulated during the months of June and July, 2010. I told her that this time had been very difficult and that I had recently returned from having our second preemie and that I was pretty shot emotionally. She smiled at me and shared that she had had a preemie too and she totally understood how I felt. I asked how early her baby had been, 34 weeks and spent 1 week in the NICU. I said that I was sorry that she had to experience the NICU. In my mind I was thinking that she had no idea what I was saying and that she had no idea what it has been like for us, move on to something other than the f-ing bag!
So, the other day I found a moment where both children were napping, at the same time, I swear I heard angels singing. I felt ready to open "The Bag". I mentally saw my nurses and PCT packing up my room and placing these items in this bag when they got word that I would not be coming back to the unit. So I sat there, with the Kleenex close at hand, and went through "The Bag". I remembered each item and who gave it to me. There were several cards and I read and reread each one. There were so many complex memories tied to these items, it was a little overwhelming to revisit them. At the same time it was freeing, to let go and say good-bye to "The Bag".
One more piece of baggage has been set down as I move further away from that summer.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Happy Birthday Baby Girl
Annalynn~
Today is the day that you entered this world, it was a day of disappointment and some cautious expectations. I had wanted my delivery with you to be so different from Oliver's. I had done a lot of research during my pregnancy and was hoping for a VBAC with you. That was not to be, nor never will. I knew the moment my water broke that you would be coming soon, but not that day, mother's intuition I guess. We had a rough go of trying to keep you in and baking a bit longer. You did surpass your brother with time on the inside and that was good. I often wish that you would have stayed put a lot longer. Your father and I were sad and frightened that you were coming early, but we were not as terrified as when Oliver was born. You see we were given a choice this time: proceed with a c-section in about two hours or wait and see if my labor would stop and potentially be placed in yet another emergency delivery where no one is ready for you. We debated for awhile about what to do, it isn't easy making the decision to end a pregnancy so early and not knowing what kind of shape you would be in. You father and I decided that we would prefer to have everyone in place and ready for you and be able to stabilize you as quick as possible. Soon enough I was in the OR and we were waiting to get word that you had arrived, I saw a NICU nurse walk quickly from the room with a bundle of blankets in her arms, your father left me to be with you. I waited what felt like forever to find out how you were and more importantly if Oliver was going to have a brother or a sister! The NICU staff brought you back into the OR so that I could see you, it was a quick hello and I got to touch your tiny hand before you were whisked away. Your father and Grammy went with you to watch you get settled in your new home. It was reported back to me that many of the NICU nurses that welcomed you remembered Oliver and that made me feel comforted a bit.
After I was able to leave recovery I was taken to the NICU to see you, it was nice to see you so soon afer you were born. You were pretty banged up and swollen from not having any fluid for a week. It took your face a day or two to pop back into place after the CPAP mask was removed. You were feisty from the time you were born and your doctors and nurses often commented that you were acting like a much older baby than you were. After meeting you and getting to know you I know now that you will do what you please and will not be swayed. You were amazing to watch grow in your fish tank. You never needed oxygen and you thought your caffeine was for the birds. I was surprised that you never pulled out your tubes like your brother.
Due to your stubborn streak you almost got to stay in the NICU a few extra days since you did not think you needed to drink from a bottle, you just wanted to nurse thankyouverymuch. You also struggled with your car seat test just like your brother. We could not believe it when you failed that test the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd times. I wanted to cry at the ridiculousness of it, You were so much stronger than your brother, we thought you would pass with flying colors. Your night nurse, Meg, was starting to get a complex about you not passing. I would pace the halls of the hospital in the middle of the night because I could not just sit in the room with you counting the beeps on the alarm and waiting out that 90 minutes. The 4th time was the charm for you and we got to bring you home on April 2, the week of Easter. From the time I knew I was pregnant with you, Easter was my goal. I had hoped and prayed that you would stay in that long, once you arrived I hoped and prayed that we would be home by then.
You are not shy to let your wishes be known and loudly tell everyone what you think about things. You are your own person with your own opinions. You an not a child who enjoys going to other people. You have a strong preference to be with your mom, this has been a challenge since there are two very young children in this house. I wore you most days, both for the bonding and so that I could take care of Oliver. Your Grammy and Aunt Debbie have often told you that they are not afraid of you as they hold you while you scream at the injustice of someone besides your mom holding you.
Your brother has loved you from the time you came home. He cuddles you each chance he gets. He often asks about you and calls to you "Anna, Anna". Each morning he likes it the best if you go into his room and wake him up. Both of you love to play in his bed. You think that he is hilarious as he runs around the house. You are able to let him know when he has been in your space too long, but that does not usually cause him to leave you alone. He is very happy that you are crawling now, so that he can drive his cars and trains under your tummy, you usually get knocked over in the process. You usually retaliate by pulling his hair.
You love to pet the dogs, but you get a bit rough with their ears so they do not stay near you very often. They do hang around both you and your brother during meals since there is usually food raining down on them. You love it when you hold out your chubby baby hand to have them lick off the food. Don't worry we wash your hands after that!
You tell me often that you are a big girl and want to do the things your brother does. You now have to have a cup of milk with your meals just like his. You are a much more selective eater then he is but you never turn down Cheerios and graham crackers. You are still a tiny peanut so I do wish you would eat more, but you are slowly growing.
You are as much of a fish as Ollie. You love to take baths and have been in the pool several times. Most recently you watched your brother go down the slide into the pool and let your Grammy and I know that you wanted to do the same. You love the slide and climbing in and out of the water.
I hope that you always hang onto your strong personality as it will serve you well when you are older. But, please let your father and I guide you without too much resistance.
We love you very much sweet girl. Happy birthday!
With love,
Mommy
Today is the day that you entered this world, it was a day of disappointment and some cautious expectations. I had wanted my delivery with you to be so different from Oliver's. I had done a lot of research during my pregnancy and was hoping for a VBAC with you. That was not to be, nor never will. I knew the moment my water broke that you would be coming soon, but not that day, mother's intuition I guess. We had a rough go of trying to keep you in and baking a bit longer. You did surpass your brother with time on the inside and that was good. I often wish that you would have stayed put a lot longer. Your father and I were sad and frightened that you were coming early, but we were not as terrified as when Oliver was born. You see we were given a choice this time: proceed with a c-section in about two hours or wait and see if my labor would stop and potentially be placed in yet another emergency delivery where no one is ready for you. We debated for awhile about what to do, it isn't easy making the decision to end a pregnancy so early and not knowing what kind of shape you would be in. You father and I decided that we would prefer to have everyone in place and ready for you and be able to stabilize you as quick as possible. Soon enough I was in the OR and we were waiting to get word that you had arrived, I saw a NICU nurse walk quickly from the room with a bundle of blankets in her arms, your father left me to be with you. I waited what felt like forever to find out how you were and more importantly if Oliver was going to have a brother or a sister! The NICU staff brought you back into the OR so that I could see you, it was a quick hello and I got to touch your tiny hand before you were whisked away. Your father and Grammy went with you to watch you get settled in your new home. It was reported back to me that many of the NICU nurses that welcomed you remembered Oliver and that made me feel comforted a bit.
After I was able to leave recovery I was taken to the NICU to see you, it was nice to see you so soon afer you were born. You were pretty banged up and swollen from not having any fluid for a week. It took your face a day or two to pop back into place after the CPAP mask was removed. You were feisty from the time you were born and your doctors and nurses often commented that you were acting like a much older baby than you were. After meeting you and getting to know you I know now that you will do what you please and will not be swayed. You were amazing to watch grow in your fish tank. You never needed oxygen and you thought your caffeine was for the birds. I was surprised that you never pulled out your tubes like your brother.
Due to your stubborn streak you almost got to stay in the NICU a few extra days since you did not think you needed to drink from a bottle, you just wanted to nurse thankyouverymuch. You also struggled with your car seat test just like your brother. We could not believe it when you failed that test the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd times. I wanted to cry at the ridiculousness of it, You were so much stronger than your brother, we thought you would pass with flying colors. Your night nurse, Meg, was starting to get a complex about you not passing. I would pace the halls of the hospital in the middle of the night because I could not just sit in the room with you counting the beeps on the alarm and waiting out that 90 minutes. The 4th time was the charm for you and we got to bring you home on April 2, the week of Easter. From the time I knew I was pregnant with you, Easter was my goal. I had hoped and prayed that you would stay in that long, once you arrived I hoped and prayed that we would be home by then.
You are not shy to let your wishes be known and loudly tell everyone what you think about things. You are your own person with your own opinions. You an not a child who enjoys going to other people. You have a strong preference to be with your mom, this has been a challenge since there are two very young children in this house. I wore you most days, both for the bonding and so that I could take care of Oliver. Your Grammy and Aunt Debbie have often told you that they are not afraid of you as they hold you while you scream at the injustice of someone besides your mom holding you.
Your brother has loved you from the time you came home. He cuddles you each chance he gets. He often asks about you and calls to you "Anna, Anna". Each morning he likes it the best if you go into his room and wake him up. Both of you love to play in his bed. You think that he is hilarious as he runs around the house. You are able to let him know when he has been in your space too long, but that does not usually cause him to leave you alone. He is very happy that you are crawling now, so that he can drive his cars and trains under your tummy, you usually get knocked over in the process. You usually retaliate by pulling his hair.
You love to pet the dogs, but you get a bit rough with their ears so they do not stay near you very often. They do hang around both you and your brother during meals since there is usually food raining down on them. You love it when you hold out your chubby baby hand to have them lick off the food. Don't worry we wash your hands after that!
You tell me often that you are a big girl and want to do the things your brother does. You now have to have a cup of milk with your meals just like his. You are a much more selective eater then he is but you never turn down Cheerios and graham crackers. You are still a tiny peanut so I do wish you would eat more, but you are slowly growing.
You are as much of a fish as Ollie. You love to take baths and have been in the pool several times. Most recently you watched your brother go down the slide into the pool and let your Grammy and I know that you wanted to do the same. You love the slide and climbing in and out of the water.
I hope that you always hang onto your strong personality as it will serve you well when you are older. But, please let your father and I guide you without too much resistance.
We love you very much sweet girl. Happy birthday!
With love,
Mommy
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Baby Items...
The baby items are slowly leaving my house. It really sucks to see them go, and yet there is an ever so tiny degree of relief that there will be no more babies. It sucks more than I can put into words, because I always thought that I would be the mother of 3 children. If you were to ask me what my mental picture of my family is I would tell you that there would be 3 children. I feel that circumstances being what they are have dictated the current state of our family. I feel like the decision was made for my husband and I, fear is a powerful emotion. Fear has been a driving force in this decision, not that feeling of completeness I have heard people talk about when they know their family is complete. I fear that if we were to have a 3rd that it would not turn out as well as the first two, and that's saying something!
With Oliver we were blissfully happy until things went horribly wrong. With Annalynn we were terrified for the entire pregnancy, but we both held a small nugget of hope in our hearts that the interventions would get us to term or damn close. Yeah, that didn't pan out AT. ALL.
Even with that and knowing what the doctors would do differently this time around, I still have this small voice in my head whispering "maybe this time..." Maybe this time the interventions will work, maybe this time I will have a take home baby (I dream about what that must be like), maybe this time I could get to the coveted 3rd trimester. Then I also think maybe this time the baby wouldn't survive, maybe this time my water would break even earlier, maybe this time the baby would arrive even earlier, maybe this time there would be more severe complications, maybe this time my husband and I would have to make heart wrenching decisions that would test our marriage beyond anything we could imagine.
There will not be a " maybe this time" anymore.
Yes, I am well aware that we could continue to grow our family through adoption. I have a few really good friends who have done that. I am not opposed to it, it is just not the right time for us. Our hands are full with two little ones who are very close in age.
Perhaps someday, some way we will be a family of 5.
With Oliver we were blissfully happy until things went horribly wrong. With Annalynn we were terrified for the entire pregnancy, but we both held a small nugget of hope in our hearts that the interventions would get us to term or damn close. Yeah, that didn't pan out AT. ALL.
Even with that and knowing what the doctors would do differently this time around, I still have this small voice in my head whispering "maybe this time..." Maybe this time the interventions will work, maybe this time I will have a take home baby (I dream about what that must be like), maybe this time I could get to the coveted 3rd trimester. Then I also think maybe this time the baby wouldn't survive, maybe this time my water would break even earlier, maybe this time the baby would arrive even earlier, maybe this time there would be more severe complications, maybe this time my husband and I would have to make heart wrenching decisions that would test our marriage beyond anything we could imagine.
There will not be a " maybe this time" anymore.
Yes, I am well aware that we could continue to grow our family through adoption. I have a few really good friends who have done that. I am not opposed to it, it is just not the right time for us. Our hands are full with two little ones who are very close in age.
Perhaps someday, some way we will be a family of 5.
Friday, October 19, 2012
D-Day
Today always causes me to stop and think. Think about what would have or might have been. I debated writing about this day, not sure if I wanted to talk about it or not. But tonight when Justin came home from work his first words to me were: "Do you know what today is?" I realized that this day will forever be burned into both of our hearts and minds. Today was the day I fought so hard to reach, but came up so very, very short. I won't say that I failed, because I know that I have never worked so hard for anything in my life (until I had to do it all again!). This day was always on my mind each and every moment I watched my son fight to survive and watching him struggle to master skills his peers breezed through. This day was supposed to be a day of celebration and blowing out of birthday candles. Instead it is just another day, and I feel somewhat cheated out of that day of happiness and glee.
Yes, my son survived.
Yes, my son is healthy.
Yes, my son is happy.
That should be enough. But today it isn't enough. Today I am sad. Today I am angry.
I am angry that every year on his birthday I will always be reminded of that hellish day he arrived. There will always be a hint of sadness in amongst the happiness on his birthday.
Today was Oliver's due date. Yet he arrived a quarter of year earlier and changed our lives forever, and in many ways for the better.
The healing from this is going to take a long time.
Yes, my son survived.
Yes, my son is healthy.
Yes, my son is happy.
That should be enough. But today it isn't enough. Today I am sad. Today I am angry.
I am angry that every year on his birthday I will always be reminded of that hellish day he arrived. There will always be a hint of sadness in amongst the happiness on his birthday.
Today was Oliver's due date. Yet he arrived a quarter of year earlier and changed our lives forever, and in many ways for the better.
The healing from this is going to take a long time.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Reclaiming.....me
The process of getting myself back into shape has begun (well it began a few months ago). It is going to be a very, very long road back to the level of fitness I want to be at. This body of mine has gone through a lot in the past two years. two high risk pregnancies with lots of bedrest, two NICU babies, and bouts with depression. These are perfect conditions for my body to expand to unbelievable proportions and to decrease my level of fitness to that of a slug.
I was working out pretty regularly right before I got pregnant with Annalynn. I felt like I was starting to get my life back on track. I was feeling good by physically and mentally. After I found out I was pregnant I continued to work out until my cerclages were placed. That procedure brought all of my upright activities to a halt. I was still able to do some light exercises for my arms and legs, but nothing can really ward off muscle atrophy when you are laying down all the time.
I have returned to the Y for some group classes a few times a week. That can be a bit of a challenge to get to consistently since I have to arrange for someone to watch the kids. There is no way I am putting my kids in the nursery at the Y. Not because I think it is bad or anything, but holy germ fest! Due to Ollie's decreased awareness in his mouth he is constantly seeking input there, so his hands or toys are always in his mouth. Annalynn is still so small that we try and limit her from unnecessary outings and groups of children. I enjoy the people in my classes and it is nice to have an hour kid-free.
This leads me to my other means of working out. Stroller Strides! I cannot say enough good things about this class. It is a preemie mom's dream! The kids are kept in strollers so there is not really any contact between the children unless you want it to occur. My friend, Emily, told me about SS shortly after Ollie came home from the NICU. It took me several months to work up the nerve to actually go to a class. My hesitation was partly due to my lack of any sort of physical fitness and partly due to my depression. Ollie was also supposed to be on quarantine to keep him healthy. I started going in February, which I know is the worst time to take a preemie out. But I needed to get out and after drilling my friend for details about the class I decided to chance it and went to one class. Needless to say it worked out really well for us. The other moms are great and everyone is really supportive of each other. The other moms kept their kids from getting too close to Ollie when he was small. He remained healthy and I got a good workout in. SS also has a once a week playdate after class so the kids can participate in a structured activity. They also have a once a month moms night out gathering. When I was put on bedrest with Annalynn the SS moms organized to bring us meals once a week. It worked out great and my husband didn't have to worry about cooking for the weekend when my mom went home. There does seem to be a misconception about what exactly goes on at a SS class, most people assume that we just walk around with our strollers. We do walk, but only to get to our next station. The workouts are as hard or easy as you want them to be. The instructors show you how to change the level of intensity. The rest is up to you.
It is my goal to be able to run my first post baby half marathon this spring. It is going to take a lot of work, but I need a goal to work toward and I think this is a good one.
I was working out pretty regularly right before I got pregnant with Annalynn. I felt like I was starting to get my life back on track. I was feeling good by physically and mentally. After I found out I was pregnant I continued to work out until my cerclages were placed. That procedure brought all of my upright activities to a halt. I was still able to do some light exercises for my arms and legs, but nothing can really ward off muscle atrophy when you are laying down all the time.
I have returned to the Y for some group classes a few times a week. That can be a bit of a challenge to get to consistently since I have to arrange for someone to watch the kids. There is no way I am putting my kids in the nursery at the Y. Not because I think it is bad or anything, but holy germ fest! Due to Ollie's decreased awareness in his mouth he is constantly seeking input there, so his hands or toys are always in his mouth. Annalynn is still so small that we try and limit her from unnecessary outings and groups of children. I enjoy the people in my classes and it is nice to have an hour kid-free.
This leads me to my other means of working out. Stroller Strides! I cannot say enough good things about this class. It is a preemie mom's dream! The kids are kept in strollers so there is not really any contact between the children unless you want it to occur. My friend, Emily, told me about SS shortly after Ollie came home from the NICU. It took me several months to work up the nerve to actually go to a class. My hesitation was partly due to my lack of any sort of physical fitness and partly due to my depression. Ollie was also supposed to be on quarantine to keep him healthy. I started going in February, which I know is the worst time to take a preemie out. But I needed to get out and after drilling my friend for details about the class I decided to chance it and went to one class. Needless to say it worked out really well for us. The other moms are great and everyone is really supportive of each other. The other moms kept their kids from getting too close to Ollie when he was small. He remained healthy and I got a good workout in. SS also has a once a week playdate after class so the kids can participate in a structured activity. They also have a once a month moms night out gathering. When I was put on bedrest with Annalynn the SS moms organized to bring us meals once a week. It worked out great and my husband didn't have to worry about cooking for the weekend when my mom went home. There does seem to be a misconception about what exactly goes on at a SS class, most people assume that we just walk around with our strollers. We do walk, but only to get to our next station. The workouts are as hard or easy as you want them to be. The instructors show you how to change the level of intensity. The rest is up to you.
It is my goal to be able to run my first post baby half marathon this spring. It is going to take a lot of work, but I need a goal to work toward and I think this is a good one.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
F you PPD
So, a few months ago I wrote a post about how good it felt to be a mother without experiencing depression. Well, depression has once again entered my life and bitch slapped me. I have felt like my life is slowly spinning out of control over the past month or so. It has been a slow downward spiral, which allowed me to ignore the symptoms for awhile. I finally made the call to my therapist and will resume my therapy. I hate all aspects of PPD, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how it makes me short tempered with my children, I hate how it zaps all my motivation to do anything, I hate the awful mood swings...the list goes on and on. It is so hard to acknowledge that this aspect of my life is back. I have struggled with feelings of shame and embarrassment when I have talked about it with my husband and others close to me. I have hesitated writing about it on here. But, this is part of my journey and I refuse to let it control my life any longer. I am dreading the hard work that is ahead of me as I begin to fight back against this demon. Fight back I will, since there is no other option.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Repeat after me: "I Am the Mom!"
In the week leading up to Annalynn's birth I began to mentally prepare for dealing with a baby in the NICU. Statistically speaking I knew it was highly unlikely that I would hang onto the pregnancy another 6 weeks to make it to 34 weeks. I knew that with this NICU stay I wanted things to be different from Oliver's.
First off I was determined to make milk for my baby. Not that I wasn't determined with Oliver, but some missteps early on had some impact on my supply.
Secondly and most importantly, I wanted to be able to develop a bond with this child from the beginning. For that to occur I knew that I needed to feel like a mom. Seems kind of silly doesn't it, I mean what woman doesn't feel like a mom to her newborn baby? It can be difficult to fully feel like a mom while your child is in the NICU. It is the nature of the beast, you and your baby are on their schedule. There are rules to be followed and goals to be worked on. There are procedures that are done to your baby that cause them discomfort or pain and you are helpless to shield your baby from them. Sometimes all you can do to provide comfort to your baby involves turning off lights and sounds and not touch your baby since their nervous system is not developed and cannot handle all the stimulation. It is the hardest thing to do when every cell in your body is screaming for you to reach out and hold your baby, but you can't because they are too fragile.
To be a mom in the NICU involves some creativity.
I read to both of my children during their stays. I wanted them to know my voice and I wanted to share my favorite children's books with them.
I involved myself in their cares whenever I could. In the beginning that meant taking their temperatures and changing their diapers. In time I was also able to give them baths.
Once they were stable enough I began kangaroo care with them. With Oliver, I let Justin have many more kangaroo sessions than I did with Annalynn. With Annalynn I knew that I needed to hold her as much as I could in order to feel close to her. I also tried to kangaroo during a feeding so that she would start to associate me with food.
As the kids become more stable and transitioned to open cribs I was able to hold them more often. Being able to hold your child when you want is HUGE for bonding with your baby.
When bottle feeding was allowed I wanted to be the one to feed my children. Again, I wanted them to associate me with food and comfort.
Breastfeeding was also so something I did that made me feel like a mom. With Oliver I did not have the supply to fully breastfeed him. With Annalynn I asked for a lot more breastfeeding sessions. She was discharged from the NICU breastfeeding for half her feedings. She is now fully breastfed.
I felt more empowered as a parent to ask questions and become more actively involved in the decisions made about Annalynn's care in the NICU. It helped that I knew and trusted the staff, this allowed me to feel like there was an open channel of dialogue between us.
With Oliver I was too fearful to fully talk about things, it made it all the more real and I was too fragile at the time to do that. I was more open and honest about Annalynn's journey. Yes, at times it was painful but it was our reality.
I think the biggest step I took to feeling bonded to Annalynn was that I opened myself up to the feelings of love and affection toward her from the beginning. With Oliver I was so scared the whole time he was in the NICU that I did not fully allow myself to feel those feelings until he was home.
I have not let fear guide my decisions this time.
Other NICU parents find other ways to bond with their babies, you get good at thinking outside of the box when you have a medically fragile child.
First off I was determined to make milk for my baby. Not that I wasn't determined with Oliver, but some missteps early on had some impact on my supply.
Secondly and most importantly, I wanted to be able to develop a bond with this child from the beginning. For that to occur I knew that I needed to feel like a mom. Seems kind of silly doesn't it, I mean what woman doesn't feel like a mom to her newborn baby? It can be difficult to fully feel like a mom while your child is in the NICU. It is the nature of the beast, you and your baby are on their schedule. There are rules to be followed and goals to be worked on. There are procedures that are done to your baby that cause them discomfort or pain and you are helpless to shield your baby from them. Sometimes all you can do to provide comfort to your baby involves turning off lights and sounds and not touch your baby since their nervous system is not developed and cannot handle all the stimulation. It is the hardest thing to do when every cell in your body is screaming for you to reach out and hold your baby, but you can't because they are too fragile.
To be a mom in the NICU involves some creativity.
I read to both of my children during their stays. I wanted them to know my voice and I wanted to share my favorite children's books with them.
I involved myself in their cares whenever I could. In the beginning that meant taking their temperatures and changing their diapers. In time I was also able to give them baths.
Once they were stable enough I began kangaroo care with them. With Oliver, I let Justin have many more kangaroo sessions than I did with Annalynn. With Annalynn I knew that I needed to hold her as much as I could in order to feel close to her. I also tried to kangaroo during a feeding so that she would start to associate me with food.
As the kids become more stable and transitioned to open cribs I was able to hold them more often. Being able to hold your child when you want is HUGE for bonding with your baby.
When bottle feeding was allowed I wanted to be the one to feed my children. Again, I wanted them to associate me with food and comfort.
Breastfeeding was also so something I did that made me feel like a mom. With Oliver I did not have the supply to fully breastfeed him. With Annalynn I asked for a lot more breastfeeding sessions. She was discharged from the NICU breastfeeding for half her feedings. She is now fully breastfed.
I felt more empowered as a parent to ask questions and become more actively involved in the decisions made about Annalynn's care in the NICU. It helped that I knew and trusted the staff, this allowed me to feel like there was an open channel of dialogue between us.
With Oliver I was too fearful to fully talk about things, it made it all the more real and I was too fragile at the time to do that. I was more open and honest about Annalynn's journey. Yes, at times it was painful but it was our reality.
I think the biggest step I took to feeling bonded to Annalynn was that I opened myself up to the feelings of love and affection toward her from the beginning. With Oliver I was so scared the whole time he was in the NICU that I did not fully allow myself to feel those feelings until he was home.
I have not let fear guide my decisions this time.
Other NICU parents find other ways to bond with their babies, you get good at thinking outside of the box when you have a medically fragile child.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Mothering Without Depression
I have been thinking about this post for awhile now, life here is a bit busy these days with two children under 2. So, finding time to write is pretty limited.
Being a mother has been so different this time around. I am more relaxed and able to enjoy Annalynn's infancy. I think the big reason for this is that I am not suffering from depression or PTSD this time. I feel connected and bonded to her, and I am not overwhelmed and shut down. Does that mean that I am not exhausted? Absolutely not. This is a different kind of exhaustion, this is normal exhaustion from having a newborn in the home. With Oliver I was mind numbingly exhausted. Most days I couldn't even get dressed and a shower took a monumental effort.
When I found out I was pregnant with Annalynn I was fearful of developing depression again. Justin was worried about it as well and we had some frank conversations about if I should resume therapy as a preventative measure. I also had some conversations with my doctor about depression. I decided that I felt like I needed to go then I would. I made it through my short pregnancy without needing to talk to my therapist.
I have found that it is immensely easier to be a mother when you are not dealing with depression and PTSD. I am able to function and make decisions this time. I do not have intrusive thoughts, I am not sitting in my bathroom contemplating what I would use to cut with. I have found that since Annalynn arrived I have not had the same feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I did when Oliver arrived. That being said I am still sad about both of my children arriving early and having to endure all the pokes, prods, tubes, and tests. I still feel some sadness when I see pregnant women and I am sad when I see chubby full term babies. This time I am able to acknowledge it and let it go a bit. Following Oliver's birth those feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, etc..would consume my thoughts and I had a very difficult time moving away from them.
I think part of the reason that things are better this time relate to her birth. We had a window of warning that she was going to be born. There was not the rushed panic with her birth. My body functioned like it was supposed to this time. I was not sidelined with a massive infection like I was with Oliver. I have been able to breastfeed my baby. Being able to do this has helped me to feel bonded and connected to her. Having gone through the NICU experience once before I felt more mentally prepared for what I would see and how things would go. I knew the routine already, I knew the staff caring for my baby, I knew who to ask for certain things. I was not afraid to jump in and be a mother to my baby. Mothering in the NICU is something I am planning on for another post. Our friends and family have been such supports for us during this journey. Meals have been delivered from our church and from my Stroller Strides friends. It helps me to get through the afternoon before Justin comes home if I do not have to spend a lot of time prepping dinner and cooking it. People have checked in with us to see if we need anything or just to chat. I have chosen to not let fear guide the decisions that I make this time. This time I feel empowered as woman and a mother, I KNOW that I can do this. I am able to enjoy my children and being a mother to them and that is a big deal.
Being a mother has been so different this time around. I am more relaxed and able to enjoy Annalynn's infancy. I think the big reason for this is that I am not suffering from depression or PTSD this time. I feel connected and bonded to her, and I am not overwhelmed and shut down. Does that mean that I am not exhausted? Absolutely not. This is a different kind of exhaustion, this is normal exhaustion from having a newborn in the home. With Oliver I was mind numbingly exhausted. Most days I couldn't even get dressed and a shower took a monumental effort.
When I found out I was pregnant with Annalynn I was fearful of developing depression again. Justin was worried about it as well and we had some frank conversations about if I should resume therapy as a preventative measure. I also had some conversations with my doctor about depression. I decided that I felt like I needed to go then I would. I made it through my short pregnancy without needing to talk to my therapist.
I have found that it is immensely easier to be a mother when you are not dealing with depression and PTSD. I am able to function and make decisions this time. I do not have intrusive thoughts, I am not sitting in my bathroom contemplating what I would use to cut with. I have found that since Annalynn arrived I have not had the same feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I did when Oliver arrived. That being said I am still sad about both of my children arriving early and having to endure all the pokes, prods, tubes, and tests. I still feel some sadness when I see pregnant women and I am sad when I see chubby full term babies. This time I am able to acknowledge it and let it go a bit. Following Oliver's birth those feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, etc..would consume my thoughts and I had a very difficult time moving away from them.
I think part of the reason that things are better this time relate to her birth. We had a window of warning that she was going to be born. There was not the rushed panic with her birth. My body functioned like it was supposed to this time. I was not sidelined with a massive infection like I was with Oliver. I have been able to breastfeed my baby. Being able to do this has helped me to feel bonded and connected to her. Having gone through the NICU experience once before I felt more mentally prepared for what I would see and how things would go. I knew the routine already, I knew the staff caring for my baby, I knew who to ask for certain things. I was not afraid to jump in and be a mother to my baby. Mothering in the NICU is something I am planning on for another post. Our friends and family have been such supports for us during this journey. Meals have been delivered from our church and from my Stroller Strides friends. It helps me to get through the afternoon before Justin comes home if I do not have to spend a lot of time prepping dinner and cooking it. People have checked in with us to see if we need anything or just to chat. I have chosen to not let fear guide the decisions that I make this time. This time I feel empowered as woman and a mother, I KNOW that I can do this. I am able to enjoy my children and being a mother to them and that is a big deal.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Birth part 2
I have now had two birth experiences and both have been very different and yet very similar.
The morning of February 24, 2012 I knew something was going on when I woke up, it was also the day I hit 29 weeks. I had a few contractions, I was not in denial about them this time. I timed them over an hour as I ate my breakfast and told my nurse about them. She hooked me up to the monitor to see if they could be picked up. Coincidentally, my nurse that morning was the same one I had the day I went into labor with Oliver. She informed me that "we are not doing this today." when she hooked me up to the monitor. I wholeheartedly agreed with her! I waited for another hour and was still having a few contractions so I decided that I should call my husband and have him come down. It would take him about 3 hours to get to the hospital. My nurse came back in to check on me and casually asked me if I wanted to call my husband, we both knew things were not going in the right direction but neither of us said it out loud.
Soon labs were being drawn and my vitals taken. The OB resident came in with the nurse and informed me that I would be examined to check for dilation. Great a lovely exam while perched on the bedpan. I HATE those! Things looked good and I wasn't dilated. So the plan was to wait and see and hope the contractions would stop or slow down. About an hour or so later the resident returned to tell me that my labs showed no signs of infection so she figured that I wouldn't be delivering that day. I told her that I was still contracting and that they were getting more intense, not really painful, but they were headed in that direction.
My husband arrived around Noon and shortly there after we were taken upstairs to have an ultrasound to check my fluid levels. Ha! There really was no fluid to speak of since the rupture. So, after a quick scan during which I had a few more contractions, the doctor (who also delivered Oliver) arrived to take a look at things. He asked how my day was going and I informed him of the ongoing contractions and that they were now hurting but not really in a pattern. He started scanning the baby and got quiet. He turned the screen so that Justin and I could see it better, we clearly saw the spine of the baby and it was breech. My doctor went on to tell us that the baby had moved into a position that looked like it was going to be coming out soon. He felt that since I was having painful contractions and the position of the baby that we needed to discuss delivering. I of course started crying because here we were again having to deal with a preterm delivery. We were given the options of having a scheduled c-section later that day, or waiting and seeing if things would settle down. I was taken back to my room and Justin and I were allowed to talk things over to make a decision. We decided to schedule the c-section so that everyone could be better prepared and a neonatologist would be there to take care of the baby. We were able to give people a 2 hour warning about the impending birth of baby #2. My mom left Oliver with my dad so that she could drive down to be here for the birth. We had the nurses call a lactation consultant so that a breast pump would be ready for me to use in the recovery room.
Once we made our decision I had a sense of relief come over me, this high risk, high stress pregnancy would be over soon. I was sad too that I was not able to carry this child closer to term, but I didn't feel like I had failed like when Oliver was born. I didn't blame myself or my body for failing to keep this child in utero, it was just time for her to be born. 15 weeks is a long time to live in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and the unknown. Not that having a preemie is any picnic by any means.
The prep began to get me ready for surgery. It was not rushed and panicked like with Oliver's birth. My nurses on antepartum got me ready and I cried off and on, and also shared in some laughter with them.
Soon enough it was time to go to the operating room, and start the prep in there. There was no mad sprint down the hallway with people yelling out directions and orders. There were not 10 different people coming at me at once. I was not screaming and crying in pain and sheer terror. That was Oliver's birth, not this one. This one everyone was calm and spoke to me one at a time. Introductions were made, but I don't remember their names now. Soon enough things got going and Justin was allowed in. Shortly, we were told that the baby was born and I started throwing up so I missed when they walked the baby out the door. Justin left to go and watch as they stabilized the baby. I waited for what seemed like forever for him to return and tell me what we had. Eventually he walked through the door and announced that we had a GIRL! She was wheeled in right behind him so I could see her. She was so tiny, but breathing on her own. She was wrapped in bubble wrap and blankets and I was told that she was a bit cold so they needed to go. I was able to touch her hand before she was wheeled out of the room.
After what seemed like hours the surgery was over and I was taken to recovery. Justin joined me there eventually and told me that she was in the airplane neighborhood, which is where Oliver was. She was doing well she had some bruises and was pretty swollen from not having fluid but otherwise she looked good. After I had recovered enough I was taken to the NICU to see her before going to the Mother baby unit.
It was good for my soul to see her so soon after birth. We had to wait several hours after Oliver was born to see him. After getting a good look at her I felt like I could give her a name. Justin and I debated for awhile in my room about what we should name her. We finally settled on Annalynn Grace, we liked the name and felt that she would need some grace in her life. As my cousin Anna says 'We Annas might be small but we are mighty!" So far Annalynn is proving Anna correct.
So, was it the birth that I had wanted? Nope, not at all. I will say that it was not as traumatic as Oliver's birth. This time I have some small feeling of peace about my birth. I think that it helped that we were not dealing with a true emergency situation where everyone was rushing around and things happening to me and I had no control over anything. Justin and I were given a choice this time, granted it was only one but we were allowed to have some control over one aspect of a not great situation. Did we make the right decision? Yes, I think given what was going on that day it was the right thing to deliver. My doctor informed me afterwards that they discovered that I was 4 cm dilated while they were checking things out before they closed my incision. So, she would've made her arrival that day no matter what. Also, neither Annalynn or I developed an infection and that has made all the difference in the world for my recovery. Annalynn is doing very well for her early arrival. She still has a long road ahead of her and she will have to prove her moxy. I have no doubt that she will and she will do it with style.
The morning of February 24, 2012 I knew something was going on when I woke up, it was also the day I hit 29 weeks. I had a few contractions, I was not in denial about them this time. I timed them over an hour as I ate my breakfast and told my nurse about them. She hooked me up to the monitor to see if they could be picked up. Coincidentally, my nurse that morning was the same one I had the day I went into labor with Oliver. She informed me that "we are not doing this today." when she hooked me up to the monitor. I wholeheartedly agreed with her! I waited for another hour and was still having a few contractions so I decided that I should call my husband and have him come down. It would take him about 3 hours to get to the hospital. My nurse came back in to check on me and casually asked me if I wanted to call my husband, we both knew things were not going in the right direction but neither of us said it out loud.
Soon labs were being drawn and my vitals taken. The OB resident came in with the nurse and informed me that I would be examined to check for dilation. Great a lovely exam while perched on the bedpan. I HATE those! Things looked good and I wasn't dilated. So the plan was to wait and see and hope the contractions would stop or slow down. About an hour or so later the resident returned to tell me that my labs showed no signs of infection so she figured that I wouldn't be delivering that day. I told her that I was still contracting and that they were getting more intense, not really painful, but they were headed in that direction.
My husband arrived around Noon and shortly there after we were taken upstairs to have an ultrasound to check my fluid levels. Ha! There really was no fluid to speak of since the rupture. So, after a quick scan during which I had a few more contractions, the doctor (who also delivered Oliver) arrived to take a look at things. He asked how my day was going and I informed him of the ongoing contractions and that they were now hurting but not really in a pattern. He started scanning the baby and got quiet. He turned the screen so that Justin and I could see it better, we clearly saw the spine of the baby and it was breech. My doctor went on to tell us that the baby had moved into a position that looked like it was going to be coming out soon. He felt that since I was having painful contractions and the position of the baby that we needed to discuss delivering. I of course started crying because here we were again having to deal with a preterm delivery. We were given the options of having a scheduled c-section later that day, or waiting and seeing if things would settle down. I was taken back to my room and Justin and I were allowed to talk things over to make a decision. We decided to schedule the c-section so that everyone could be better prepared and a neonatologist would be there to take care of the baby. We were able to give people a 2 hour warning about the impending birth of baby #2. My mom left Oliver with my dad so that she could drive down to be here for the birth. We had the nurses call a lactation consultant so that a breast pump would be ready for me to use in the recovery room.
Once we made our decision I had a sense of relief come over me, this high risk, high stress pregnancy would be over soon. I was sad too that I was not able to carry this child closer to term, but I didn't feel like I had failed like when Oliver was born. I didn't blame myself or my body for failing to keep this child in utero, it was just time for her to be born. 15 weeks is a long time to live in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and the unknown. Not that having a preemie is any picnic by any means.
The prep began to get me ready for surgery. It was not rushed and panicked like with Oliver's birth. My nurses on antepartum got me ready and I cried off and on, and also shared in some laughter with them.
Soon enough it was time to go to the operating room, and start the prep in there. There was no mad sprint down the hallway with people yelling out directions and orders. There were not 10 different people coming at me at once. I was not screaming and crying in pain and sheer terror. That was Oliver's birth, not this one. This one everyone was calm and spoke to me one at a time. Introductions were made, but I don't remember their names now. Soon enough things got going and Justin was allowed in. Shortly, we were told that the baby was born and I started throwing up so I missed when they walked the baby out the door. Justin left to go and watch as they stabilized the baby. I waited for what seemed like forever for him to return and tell me what we had. Eventually he walked through the door and announced that we had a GIRL! She was wheeled in right behind him so I could see her. She was so tiny, but breathing on her own. She was wrapped in bubble wrap and blankets and I was told that she was a bit cold so they needed to go. I was able to touch her hand before she was wheeled out of the room.
After what seemed like hours the surgery was over and I was taken to recovery. Justin joined me there eventually and told me that she was in the airplane neighborhood, which is where Oliver was. She was doing well she had some bruises and was pretty swollen from not having fluid but otherwise she looked good. After I had recovered enough I was taken to the NICU to see her before going to the Mother baby unit.
It was good for my soul to see her so soon after birth. We had to wait several hours after Oliver was born to see him. After getting a good look at her I felt like I could give her a name. Justin and I debated for awhile in my room about what we should name her. We finally settled on Annalynn Grace, we liked the name and felt that she would need some grace in her life. As my cousin Anna says 'We Annas might be small but we are mighty!" So far Annalynn is proving Anna correct.
So, was it the birth that I had wanted? Nope, not at all. I will say that it was not as traumatic as Oliver's birth. This time I have some small feeling of peace about my birth. I think that it helped that we were not dealing with a true emergency situation where everyone was rushing around and things happening to me and I had no control over anything. Justin and I were given a choice this time, granted it was only one but we were allowed to have some control over one aspect of a not great situation. Did we make the right decision? Yes, I think given what was going on that day it was the right thing to deliver. My doctor informed me afterwards that they discovered that I was 4 cm dilated while they were checking things out before they closed my incision. So, she would've made her arrival that day no matter what. Also, neither Annalynn or I developed an infection and that has made all the difference in the world for my recovery. Annalynn is doing very well for her early arrival. She still has a long road ahead of her and she will have to prove her moxy. I have no doubt that she will and she will do it with style.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
The swimming pool emptied......again
So, I am writing this while sitting in the NICU once again waiting and watching one of my children grow and mature enough to take home. HOW did this happen? WHY did this happen? WHY us? WHY my children? There are no answers to these questions and I have to try very hard to not go down that road of questioning because it really leads to nowhere. So, instead I am trying to focus on the here and now.
As you all know when I last wrote about my pregnancy I was coming up on some significant dates associated with Oliver's birth. Once I passed the 27 week 4 days mark I felt so excited. I was so happy to make it past that day and to keep going. I kind of allowed myself to put on some light pink, but not rose colored glasses. I dreamed about giving birth to a full term baby. I daydreamed about how it must feel to leave the hospital with your child and not months apart. I was so happy with life and doing fine laying on the couch all day long.
As the week progressed I started to get a sense of unease about my upcoming appointment with the MFM doctors that Friday. Thursday evening before I went to bed I had a sense that I would not come home from that appointment. Little did I know that I would be waaaaay early form my appointment that day. I woke up at 230 am and needed to go to the bathroom as I was walking to the bathroom I felt some liquid run down my leg. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I had just peed myself. I think this is the only time in my life I wanted to have wet my pants. I sat on the toilet and saw that my pants were quite wet and then the smell hit me and I knew exactly what was happening. I felt the dumping of adrenaline into my system I began to shake and cry. I grabbed a towel to put between my legs to catch all the liquid that was now streaming out of me. I started to cry when I woke up my husband to tell him my water had broken. He got on the phone to my midwife to tell her what was going on as I stood in my closet trying to decide what pants to wear because I knew they would be soaked in no time. My midwife called the MFM doctor and the helicopter to come and get me. My mom heard the noise and came into our room and helped get me ready and put more towels on the seat of the car. Justin drove us to the local labor and delivery in record time, thanks to running red lights. I was so scared, shocked, sad, and angry that this was happening again. I just kept crying and thinking about all the work of 15 weeks of bedrest and missing out on major family events and here we were, ruptured prematurely.
Once I got to L&D the nurses had me change into a gown. I apologized for leaking all over the floor of the bathroom as I changed. The nurse glanced at the large puddle in the middle of the floor and told me that they didn't need to do the test strip to confirm I was ruptured she could tell by the amount of fluid on the floor. I was hooked up to the monitors and an IV was started and labs were drawn. My midwife drove in and was there with us as well. I was started on mag and given the first beta shot. I was informed that the helicopter was out picking up someone else but that it would be coming to get me soon. I felt the effects of the mag quickly, I thought my palms were on fire. I had somewhat calmed down but was still leaking tears. That is when the contractions started so my mag got bumped up a bit and the contractions were finally stopped. Justin and I waited in our room for the helicopter to arrive. There was no mistaking when it did arrive it was so loud and the spotlight shown right through the blinds in my room. The flight crew arrived and began switching everything to their equipment. I was transferred to a microscopic gurney that was in no way designed for a pregnant woman. They wrapped me in basically a neon orange sleeping bag to keep me warm and I kissed my husband good bye and was wheeled out the door and down some hallways and loaded onto the helicopter. It was a beautiful morning, the sky was pale pink with a few puffy white clouds. I remember thinking that with such a beautiful sunrise that things had to be okay. I watched as we flew over farms and small towns. Soon enough we were flying over Peoria and lining up for the landing. Once we landed I was taken to labor and delivery where it seemed like every woman in the area was in labor. Eventually I got moved to my home away from home, the antepartum unit. I would remain there for exactly one week.
As you all know when I last wrote about my pregnancy I was coming up on some significant dates associated with Oliver's birth. Once I passed the 27 week 4 days mark I felt so excited. I was so happy to make it past that day and to keep going. I kind of allowed myself to put on some light pink, but not rose colored glasses. I dreamed about giving birth to a full term baby. I daydreamed about how it must feel to leave the hospital with your child and not months apart. I was so happy with life and doing fine laying on the couch all day long.
As the week progressed I started to get a sense of unease about my upcoming appointment with the MFM doctors that Friday. Thursday evening before I went to bed I had a sense that I would not come home from that appointment. Little did I know that I would be waaaaay early form my appointment that day. I woke up at 230 am and needed to go to the bathroom as I was walking to the bathroom I felt some liquid run down my leg. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I had just peed myself. I think this is the only time in my life I wanted to have wet my pants. I sat on the toilet and saw that my pants were quite wet and then the smell hit me and I knew exactly what was happening. I felt the dumping of adrenaline into my system I began to shake and cry. I grabbed a towel to put between my legs to catch all the liquid that was now streaming out of me. I started to cry when I woke up my husband to tell him my water had broken. He got on the phone to my midwife to tell her what was going on as I stood in my closet trying to decide what pants to wear because I knew they would be soaked in no time. My midwife called the MFM doctor and the helicopter to come and get me. My mom heard the noise and came into our room and helped get me ready and put more towels on the seat of the car. Justin drove us to the local labor and delivery in record time, thanks to running red lights. I was so scared, shocked, sad, and angry that this was happening again. I just kept crying and thinking about all the work of 15 weeks of bedrest and missing out on major family events and here we were, ruptured prematurely.
Once I got to L&D the nurses had me change into a gown. I apologized for leaking all over the floor of the bathroom as I changed. The nurse glanced at the large puddle in the middle of the floor and told me that they didn't need to do the test strip to confirm I was ruptured she could tell by the amount of fluid on the floor. I was hooked up to the monitors and an IV was started and labs were drawn. My midwife drove in and was there with us as well. I was started on mag and given the first beta shot. I was informed that the helicopter was out picking up someone else but that it would be coming to get me soon. I felt the effects of the mag quickly, I thought my palms were on fire. I had somewhat calmed down but was still leaking tears. That is when the contractions started so my mag got bumped up a bit and the contractions were finally stopped. Justin and I waited in our room for the helicopter to arrive. There was no mistaking when it did arrive it was so loud and the spotlight shown right through the blinds in my room. The flight crew arrived and began switching everything to their equipment. I was transferred to a microscopic gurney that was in no way designed for a pregnant woman. They wrapped me in basically a neon orange sleeping bag to keep me warm and I kissed my husband good bye and was wheeled out the door and down some hallways and loaded onto the helicopter. It was a beautiful morning, the sky was pale pink with a few puffy white clouds. I remember thinking that with such a beautiful sunrise that things had to be okay. I watched as we flew over farms and small towns. Soon enough we were flying over Peoria and lining up for the landing. Once we landed I was taken to labor and delivery where it seemed like every woman in the area was in labor. Eventually I got moved to my home away from home, the antepartum unit. I would remain there for exactly one week.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My Journey to Cloth
Even before I was pregnant with Oliver I had planned on cloth diapering my babies. I was cloth diapered as a baby and so were some of my cousins, I grew up seeing my family change cloth diapers. That was the era of prefolds, pins, and pull on waterproof pants. Leaks happened. Fast forward to 2010 and I was pregnant and told my husband that I wanted to cloth diaper our child. He humored me but I saw the glint of fear in his eyes. He grew up in a house that used disposables. I knew that I would need to do some research and present him with some cold hard facts to fully sway him to cloth. I mainly used the money saving aspects to sway him. Yes, there is an upfront cost for cloth and most people balk at the price of some diapers which can run upwards of $25 (I don't have any diapers that expensive). The savings come the longer you use the diapers and definitely for subsequent children. I just like knowing that we don't have to run out every week and buy a box of diapers.
The world of cloth sure had changed in 30 years! Things were so much easier, trimmer, more absorbent, less leaky, and lets face it cuter. You could still get the retro prefolds and waterproof pants and pins if you wanted. I started looking around online and was overwhelmed by all the choices. I eventually decided on one online diaper store, Diaper Junction. They carried a variety of brands, offered good advice, had a rewards program, and sold used diapers at a discount. I wasn't sure what system would work the best for us so I decided to buy a few different brands. Around this time I also scored some waterproof covers at the discount site Baby Steals. With the addition of the covers I needed to get some prefolds, so my mom and I bought some at a local baby store. To make our diaper stash last as long as possible I only purchased one sized diapers so that as the baby grew we wouldn't have to buy a whole new stash of diapers.
Once we were finally home from the hospital I prepped (pre washed) the diapers just like the directions said. Then I put them away for a few months, since Oliver was still so small when he came home we used preemie size disposable diapers until he was big enough to fit in the cloth.
Since I had studied the different types of systems I knew how to assemble the different diapers and what pad went with what cover. My husband had a few weeks of frustration before he got a good handle on the diapers. Now, he is a pro.
Once we were cloth diapering Ollie full time we discovered that we liked certain systems and others left something to be desired. We quickly discovered that the prefolds my mom and I had purchased were not up to par for diapering and were put in the burp cloth pile. I returned to Diaper Junction and read the reviews for their prefolds and decided to give them a try, I am so glad that I did! What a difference, they are AWESOME! Prefolds and covers quickly became our go to diaper system. With the addition of a diaper sprayer, our diapering journey was complete, or so I thought.
I think that I have a bit of an addiction problem with shopping for cloth diapers. Over the past year I have bought some more diapers to add to our stash so that we would have enough to make it 3-4 days before running out. I figured we were good on diapers for the rest of our diapering lives and had stopped shopping. Since I had always planned on having a few years between children, I hoped that Ollie would be close to potty training when the next one arrived. HA!
A few months later I found out I was pregnant and Ollie was just over a year old. It hit me that we would have two children in cloth at the same time for a few years. Thankfully, after Thanksgiving a lot of diaper sites had great sales. I decided to get some newborn size diapers this time since it is highly likely I will not go full term with this baby. I lucked out and got some newborn and small size used prefolds. I found some great newborn covers that are adjustable to make them last a bit longer. I have also added to the one size stash so that we will have enough to diaper two children full time.
Cloth diapering can be intimidating at first but once you get in a routine it is pretty easy.
Oliver in his first cloth diaper at 4 months old. It was huge on him. On a side note to all my therapy friends look at that great ATNR position!
The world of cloth sure had changed in 30 years! Things were so much easier, trimmer, more absorbent, less leaky, and lets face it cuter. You could still get the retro prefolds and waterproof pants and pins if you wanted. I started looking around online and was overwhelmed by all the choices. I eventually decided on one online diaper store, Diaper Junction. They carried a variety of brands, offered good advice, had a rewards program, and sold used diapers at a discount. I wasn't sure what system would work the best for us so I decided to buy a few different brands. Around this time I also scored some waterproof covers at the discount site Baby Steals. With the addition of the covers I needed to get some prefolds, so my mom and I bought some at a local baby store. To make our diaper stash last as long as possible I only purchased one sized diapers so that as the baby grew we wouldn't have to buy a whole new stash of diapers.
Once we were finally home from the hospital I prepped (pre washed) the diapers just like the directions said. Then I put them away for a few months, since Oliver was still so small when he came home we used preemie size disposable diapers until he was big enough to fit in the cloth.
Since I had studied the different types of systems I knew how to assemble the different diapers and what pad went with what cover. My husband had a few weeks of frustration before he got a good handle on the diapers. Now, he is a pro.
Once we were cloth diapering Ollie full time we discovered that we liked certain systems and others left something to be desired. We quickly discovered that the prefolds my mom and I had purchased were not up to par for diapering and were put in the burp cloth pile. I returned to Diaper Junction and read the reviews for their prefolds and decided to give them a try, I am so glad that I did! What a difference, they are AWESOME! Prefolds and covers quickly became our go to diaper system. With the addition of a diaper sprayer, our diapering journey was complete, or so I thought.
I think that I have a bit of an addiction problem with shopping for cloth diapers. Over the past year I have bought some more diapers to add to our stash so that we would have enough to make it 3-4 days before running out. I figured we were good on diapers for the rest of our diapering lives and had stopped shopping. Since I had always planned on having a few years between children, I hoped that Ollie would be close to potty training when the next one arrived. HA!
A few months later I found out I was pregnant and Ollie was just over a year old. It hit me that we would have two children in cloth at the same time for a few years. Thankfully, after Thanksgiving a lot of diaper sites had great sales. I decided to get some newborn size diapers this time since it is highly likely I will not go full term with this baby. I lucked out and got some newborn and small size used prefolds. I found some great newborn covers that are adjustable to make them last a bit longer. I have also added to the one size stash so that we will have enough to diaper two children full time.
Cloth diapering can be intimidating at first but once you get in a routine it is pretty easy.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Running (Ha! like I will be doing that anytime soon)
Pregnancy is a lot like distance running: slow and steady, one foot in front of the other. Your body paces itself. I am now 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I have been out of the hospital since the 13th of January and it is so nice! Today I had my weekly appointment with the MFM doctors and things are holding steady. So, I get another week at home since my body is behaving. Each week that I don't get admitted is a small celebration. I have kind looked at this pregnancy like running a marathon, each week is another mile that I have run. When I am running I have a small celebration or feeling of accomplishment with each mile marker I pass. Right now I feel like I am gearing up to run up a big hill, it will be hard to get to the top but once up you get a small break as you coast down the other side. The hill for this pregnancy is coming up starting tomorrow that is the point when my water broke with Oliver. I feel like tomorrow is one of the first really big milestones to get past and then the hill will continue until Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day I will be 27 weeks 4 days, after 5:19 PM I will be in new pregnancy territory, thus the downhill part of the race.
I think the 15th of February will call for a celebration! Not too big of one because that will have to wait until this baby and I reach the finish line.
I think the 15th of February will call for a celebration! Not too big of one because that will have to wait until this baby and I reach the finish line.
Monday, January 16, 2012
It's All Relative
I was released from the hospital on Friday. Yippie!! I am hoping and praying that I will get to stay home for a long time, but know that there is a strong possibility that I will have to go back. I am now at the point of viability so things are getting interesting. Now, the possibility of making very hard decisions and having to make them quickly exists. We hope and pray we won't have to make some of them.
The day I was discharged I met one of the social workers who checks in with the women on antepartum. She and I had a really good conversation about the stresses of a high risk pregnancy and the importance of having a good support system. Our conversation got this blog post brewing in my head.
When she asked me about my friends it made me think how different things are between us. Right now I know of several women who are pregnant and we are all due within a few months of each other. A few have had complications in the past but are doing just fine this time around. Most have never experienced a high risk pregnancy, or have only had a minor hiccup in the 40ish weeks of baby baking.
I told the social worker how I cannot really relate to these women, and how they can't really relate to me. We have vastly different experiences. I get somewhat irritated when women discuss their indecision with what color to paint the nursery, or how they are disappointed that they found out the sex of the baby and it isn't what they were hoping for. My discussions focus on when to get the Beta shots for the baby's lung development, at what gestational age would we be okay using the local NICU, and answering questions about contractions, bleeding, and leaking fluid.
I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to only really have to worry about getting the nursery set up and the baby clothes washed. That is not my reality, and sometimes (most times actually) that really sucks. It is so unfortunate that some women are robbed of that bliss of preparing for a new baby. Hopefully, in the future there will be less of us with these types of experiences.
The day I was discharged I met one of the social workers who checks in with the women on antepartum. She and I had a really good conversation about the stresses of a high risk pregnancy and the importance of having a good support system. Our conversation got this blog post brewing in my head.
When she asked me about my friends it made me think how different things are between us. Right now I know of several women who are pregnant and we are all due within a few months of each other. A few have had complications in the past but are doing just fine this time around. Most have never experienced a high risk pregnancy, or have only had a minor hiccup in the 40ish weeks of baby baking.
I told the social worker how I cannot really relate to these women, and how they can't really relate to me. We have vastly different experiences. I get somewhat irritated when women discuss their indecision with what color to paint the nursery, or how they are disappointed that they found out the sex of the baby and it isn't what they were hoping for. My discussions focus on when to get the Beta shots for the baby's lung development, at what gestational age would we be okay using the local NICU, and answering questions about contractions, bleeding, and leaking fluid.
I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to only really have to worry about getting the nursery set up and the baby clothes washed. That is not my reality, and sometimes (most times actually) that really sucks. It is so unfortunate that some women are robbed of that bliss of preparing for a new baby. Hopefully, in the future there will be less of us with these types of experiences.
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