Oh to wean or not to wean, that is the question that I have been wrestling with lately. Miss A is now a year old and shows no sign of stopping nursing. I know all the great benefits of breastmilk, really I do, I don't think that I am being a bad mom because I am thinking of turning off the tap. The main reason I am thinking of closing up shop is that my lovely daughter can be a bit physical with her source of liquid refreshment, well actually very, very, very aggressive. I continue to work on her manners when she is at the bar, but she is so strong and fast that she can easily get in a few pinches, and scratches before I can gain control of her hands. Then she struggles to free her hands so that she can go back to kneading me like bread dough. OUCH! It is a comfort thing for her. I have tried all sorts of things to get those hands to behave.
So, yesterday I had made up my mind that I was done. Done with the scratches, the bruises, the constant deflecting of little grabby hands. Done with her constantly pulling on the neck of my shirts, because she feels she should have access 24/7. Done with waiting for the next pinch. Done with feeling like her plaything.
Then last night after she was asleep, I sat on our bed with the hubs and just sobbed. I thought about how she was the last baby. How I didn't really want to be done with babies in our house. Then I thought about how unbelievably hard I worked to get to this point. How I fought for more nursing time in the NICU so that I would have more of a supply for her. All those weeks of pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock so that she could eat. The weight of all that work weighed heavy on my shoulders.
Was I just throwing it away? Am I being selfish? Is it okay to just be done? Should I continue until she is at her due date? Should I continue until she is ready to be done? What if she is never done? Can I take anymore of her grabby hands?
I. Don't. Know.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
"The Bag"
"The Bag" has sat on the shelf in our basement for well over two years. I would look at it sitting there and think "I need to go through that." then I would walk away or find something to distract me. You see I wasn't quite sure what was in "The Bag", I hadn't packed it. I was sure I knew the general contents of "The bag", just not specifically what is contained. I felt like it was my Pandora's box, I couldn't put back what I saw once I opened it.
I started to think more about opening "The Bag" a few months after Miss A came home. My husband had hired a home organizer to come and give us some tips to try and make our house look less like there were two very young children and two very stressed out and tired parents living in it. She was nice and had some good ideas about various areas of concern we had in the upstairs area of our home. Then we went into the basement, which is finished by the way, it isn't some dark, and dank place. One end of our family room has built in bookshelves and on one shelf sits "The Bag". She asked about it and if it could be thrown away, I told her I wasn't ready to throw it away since I would need to go through it first. She asked me what was stopping me form going through it. I fessed up that I didn't really want to face what was in "The Bag", that someday I would be able to. She looked at me expectantly, so I shared with her our story.
"The Bag" is filled with items that accumulated during the months of June and July, 2010. I told her that this time had been very difficult and that I had recently returned from having our second preemie and that I was pretty shot emotionally. She smiled at me and shared that she had had a preemie too and she totally understood how I felt. I asked how early her baby had been, 34 weeks and spent 1 week in the NICU. I said that I was sorry that she had to experience the NICU. In my mind I was thinking that she had no idea what I was saying and that she had no idea what it has been like for us, move on to something other than the f-ing bag!
So, the other day I found a moment where both children were napping, at the same time, I swear I heard angels singing. I felt ready to open "The Bag". I mentally saw my nurses and PCT packing up my room and placing these items in this bag when they got word that I would not be coming back to the unit. So I sat there, with the Kleenex close at hand, and went through "The Bag". I remembered each item and who gave it to me. There were several cards and I read and reread each one. There were so many complex memories tied to these items, it was a little overwhelming to revisit them. At the same time it was freeing, to let go and say good-bye to "The Bag".
One more piece of baggage has been set down as I move further away from that summer.
I started to think more about opening "The Bag" a few months after Miss A came home. My husband had hired a home organizer to come and give us some tips to try and make our house look less like there were two very young children and two very stressed out and tired parents living in it. She was nice and had some good ideas about various areas of concern we had in the upstairs area of our home. Then we went into the basement, which is finished by the way, it isn't some dark, and dank place. One end of our family room has built in bookshelves and on one shelf sits "The Bag". She asked about it and if it could be thrown away, I told her I wasn't ready to throw it away since I would need to go through it first. She asked me what was stopping me form going through it. I fessed up that I didn't really want to face what was in "The Bag", that someday I would be able to. She looked at me expectantly, so I shared with her our story.
"The Bag" is filled with items that accumulated during the months of June and July, 2010. I told her that this time had been very difficult and that I had recently returned from having our second preemie and that I was pretty shot emotionally. She smiled at me and shared that she had had a preemie too and she totally understood how I felt. I asked how early her baby had been, 34 weeks and spent 1 week in the NICU. I said that I was sorry that she had to experience the NICU. In my mind I was thinking that she had no idea what I was saying and that she had no idea what it has been like for us, move on to something other than the f-ing bag!
So, the other day I found a moment where both children were napping, at the same time, I swear I heard angels singing. I felt ready to open "The Bag". I mentally saw my nurses and PCT packing up my room and placing these items in this bag when they got word that I would not be coming back to the unit. So I sat there, with the Kleenex close at hand, and went through "The Bag". I remembered each item and who gave it to me. There were several cards and I read and reread each one. There were so many complex memories tied to these items, it was a little overwhelming to revisit them. At the same time it was freeing, to let go and say good-bye to "The Bag".
One more piece of baggage has been set down as I move further away from that summer.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Happy Birthday Baby Girl
Annalynn~
Today is the day that you entered this world, it was a day of disappointment and some cautious expectations. I had wanted my delivery with you to be so different from Oliver's. I had done a lot of research during my pregnancy and was hoping for a VBAC with you. That was not to be, nor never will. I knew the moment my water broke that you would be coming soon, but not that day, mother's intuition I guess. We had a rough go of trying to keep you in and baking a bit longer. You did surpass your brother with time on the inside and that was good. I often wish that you would have stayed put a lot longer. Your father and I were sad and frightened that you were coming early, but we were not as terrified as when Oliver was born. You see we were given a choice this time: proceed with a c-section in about two hours or wait and see if my labor would stop and potentially be placed in yet another emergency delivery where no one is ready for you. We debated for awhile about what to do, it isn't easy making the decision to end a pregnancy so early and not knowing what kind of shape you would be in. You father and I decided that we would prefer to have everyone in place and ready for you and be able to stabilize you as quick as possible. Soon enough I was in the OR and we were waiting to get word that you had arrived, I saw a NICU nurse walk quickly from the room with a bundle of blankets in her arms, your father left me to be with you. I waited what felt like forever to find out how you were and more importantly if Oliver was going to have a brother or a sister! The NICU staff brought you back into the OR so that I could see you, it was a quick hello and I got to touch your tiny hand before you were whisked away. Your father and Grammy went with you to watch you get settled in your new home. It was reported back to me that many of the NICU nurses that welcomed you remembered Oliver and that made me feel comforted a bit.
After I was able to leave recovery I was taken to the NICU to see you, it was nice to see you so soon afer you were born. You were pretty banged up and swollen from not having any fluid for a week. It took your face a day or two to pop back into place after the CPAP mask was removed. You were feisty from the time you were born and your doctors and nurses often commented that you were acting like a much older baby than you were. After meeting you and getting to know you I know now that you will do what you please and will not be swayed. You were amazing to watch grow in your fish tank. You never needed oxygen and you thought your caffeine was for the birds. I was surprised that you never pulled out your tubes like your brother.
Due to your stubborn streak you almost got to stay in the NICU a few extra days since you did not think you needed to drink from a bottle, you just wanted to nurse thankyouverymuch. You also struggled with your car seat test just like your brother. We could not believe it when you failed that test the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd times. I wanted to cry at the ridiculousness of it, You were so much stronger than your brother, we thought you would pass with flying colors. Your night nurse, Meg, was starting to get a complex about you not passing. I would pace the halls of the hospital in the middle of the night because I could not just sit in the room with you counting the beeps on the alarm and waiting out that 90 minutes. The 4th time was the charm for you and we got to bring you home on April 2, the week of Easter. From the time I knew I was pregnant with you, Easter was my goal. I had hoped and prayed that you would stay in that long, once you arrived I hoped and prayed that we would be home by then.
You are not shy to let your wishes be known and loudly tell everyone what you think about things. You are your own person with your own opinions. You an not a child who enjoys going to other people. You have a strong preference to be with your mom, this has been a challenge since there are two very young children in this house. I wore you most days, both for the bonding and so that I could take care of Oliver. Your Grammy and Aunt Debbie have often told you that they are not afraid of you as they hold you while you scream at the injustice of someone besides your mom holding you.
Your brother has loved you from the time you came home. He cuddles you each chance he gets. He often asks about you and calls to you "Anna, Anna". Each morning he likes it the best if you go into his room and wake him up. Both of you love to play in his bed. You think that he is hilarious as he runs around the house. You are able to let him know when he has been in your space too long, but that does not usually cause him to leave you alone. He is very happy that you are crawling now, so that he can drive his cars and trains under your tummy, you usually get knocked over in the process. You usually retaliate by pulling his hair.
You love to pet the dogs, but you get a bit rough with their ears so they do not stay near you very often. They do hang around both you and your brother during meals since there is usually food raining down on them. You love it when you hold out your chubby baby hand to have them lick off the food. Don't worry we wash your hands after that!
You tell me often that you are a big girl and want to do the things your brother does. You now have to have a cup of milk with your meals just like his. You are a much more selective eater then he is but you never turn down Cheerios and graham crackers. You are still a tiny peanut so I do wish you would eat more, but you are slowly growing.
You are as much of a fish as Ollie. You love to take baths and have been in the pool several times. Most recently you watched your brother go down the slide into the pool and let your Grammy and I know that you wanted to do the same. You love the slide and climbing in and out of the water.
I hope that you always hang onto your strong personality as it will serve you well when you are older. But, please let your father and I guide you without too much resistance.
We love you very much sweet girl. Happy birthday!
With love,
Mommy
Today is the day that you entered this world, it was a day of disappointment and some cautious expectations. I had wanted my delivery with you to be so different from Oliver's. I had done a lot of research during my pregnancy and was hoping for a VBAC with you. That was not to be, nor never will. I knew the moment my water broke that you would be coming soon, but not that day, mother's intuition I guess. We had a rough go of trying to keep you in and baking a bit longer. You did surpass your brother with time on the inside and that was good. I often wish that you would have stayed put a lot longer. Your father and I were sad and frightened that you were coming early, but we were not as terrified as when Oliver was born. You see we were given a choice this time: proceed with a c-section in about two hours or wait and see if my labor would stop and potentially be placed in yet another emergency delivery where no one is ready for you. We debated for awhile about what to do, it isn't easy making the decision to end a pregnancy so early and not knowing what kind of shape you would be in. You father and I decided that we would prefer to have everyone in place and ready for you and be able to stabilize you as quick as possible. Soon enough I was in the OR and we were waiting to get word that you had arrived, I saw a NICU nurse walk quickly from the room with a bundle of blankets in her arms, your father left me to be with you. I waited what felt like forever to find out how you were and more importantly if Oliver was going to have a brother or a sister! The NICU staff brought you back into the OR so that I could see you, it was a quick hello and I got to touch your tiny hand before you were whisked away. Your father and Grammy went with you to watch you get settled in your new home. It was reported back to me that many of the NICU nurses that welcomed you remembered Oliver and that made me feel comforted a bit.
After I was able to leave recovery I was taken to the NICU to see you, it was nice to see you so soon afer you were born. You were pretty banged up and swollen from not having any fluid for a week. It took your face a day or two to pop back into place after the CPAP mask was removed. You were feisty from the time you were born and your doctors and nurses often commented that you were acting like a much older baby than you were. After meeting you and getting to know you I know now that you will do what you please and will not be swayed. You were amazing to watch grow in your fish tank. You never needed oxygen and you thought your caffeine was for the birds. I was surprised that you never pulled out your tubes like your brother.
Due to your stubborn streak you almost got to stay in the NICU a few extra days since you did not think you needed to drink from a bottle, you just wanted to nurse thankyouverymuch. You also struggled with your car seat test just like your brother. We could not believe it when you failed that test the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd times. I wanted to cry at the ridiculousness of it, You were so much stronger than your brother, we thought you would pass with flying colors. Your night nurse, Meg, was starting to get a complex about you not passing. I would pace the halls of the hospital in the middle of the night because I could not just sit in the room with you counting the beeps on the alarm and waiting out that 90 minutes. The 4th time was the charm for you and we got to bring you home on April 2, the week of Easter. From the time I knew I was pregnant with you, Easter was my goal. I had hoped and prayed that you would stay in that long, once you arrived I hoped and prayed that we would be home by then.
You are not shy to let your wishes be known and loudly tell everyone what you think about things. You are your own person with your own opinions. You an not a child who enjoys going to other people. You have a strong preference to be with your mom, this has been a challenge since there are two very young children in this house. I wore you most days, both for the bonding and so that I could take care of Oliver. Your Grammy and Aunt Debbie have often told you that they are not afraid of you as they hold you while you scream at the injustice of someone besides your mom holding you.
Your brother has loved you from the time you came home. He cuddles you each chance he gets. He often asks about you and calls to you "Anna, Anna". Each morning he likes it the best if you go into his room and wake him up. Both of you love to play in his bed. You think that he is hilarious as he runs around the house. You are able to let him know when he has been in your space too long, but that does not usually cause him to leave you alone. He is very happy that you are crawling now, so that he can drive his cars and trains under your tummy, you usually get knocked over in the process. You usually retaliate by pulling his hair.
You love to pet the dogs, but you get a bit rough with their ears so they do not stay near you very often. They do hang around both you and your brother during meals since there is usually food raining down on them. You love it when you hold out your chubby baby hand to have them lick off the food. Don't worry we wash your hands after that!
You tell me often that you are a big girl and want to do the things your brother does. You now have to have a cup of milk with your meals just like his. You are a much more selective eater then he is but you never turn down Cheerios and graham crackers. You are still a tiny peanut so I do wish you would eat more, but you are slowly growing.
You are as much of a fish as Ollie. You love to take baths and have been in the pool several times. Most recently you watched your brother go down the slide into the pool and let your Grammy and I know that you wanted to do the same. You love the slide and climbing in and out of the water.
I hope that you always hang onto your strong personality as it will serve you well when you are older. But, please let your father and I guide you without too much resistance.
We love you very much sweet girl. Happy birthday!
With love,
Mommy
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Baby Items...
The baby items are slowly leaving my house. It really sucks to see them go, and yet there is an ever so tiny degree of relief that there will be no more babies. It sucks more than I can put into words, because I always thought that I would be the mother of 3 children. If you were to ask me what my mental picture of my family is I would tell you that there would be 3 children. I feel that circumstances being what they are have dictated the current state of our family. I feel like the decision was made for my husband and I, fear is a powerful emotion. Fear has been a driving force in this decision, not that feeling of completeness I have heard people talk about when they know their family is complete. I fear that if we were to have a 3rd that it would not turn out as well as the first two, and that's saying something!
With Oliver we were blissfully happy until things went horribly wrong. With Annalynn we were terrified for the entire pregnancy, but we both held a small nugget of hope in our hearts that the interventions would get us to term or damn close. Yeah, that didn't pan out AT. ALL.
Even with that and knowing what the doctors would do differently this time around, I still have this small voice in my head whispering "maybe this time..." Maybe this time the interventions will work, maybe this time I will have a take home baby (I dream about what that must be like), maybe this time I could get to the coveted 3rd trimester. Then I also think maybe this time the baby wouldn't survive, maybe this time my water would break even earlier, maybe this time the baby would arrive even earlier, maybe this time there would be more severe complications, maybe this time my husband and I would have to make heart wrenching decisions that would test our marriage beyond anything we could imagine.
There will not be a " maybe this time" anymore.
Yes, I am well aware that we could continue to grow our family through adoption. I have a few really good friends who have done that. I am not opposed to it, it is just not the right time for us. Our hands are full with two little ones who are very close in age.
Perhaps someday, some way we will be a family of 5.
With Oliver we were blissfully happy until things went horribly wrong. With Annalynn we were terrified for the entire pregnancy, but we both held a small nugget of hope in our hearts that the interventions would get us to term or damn close. Yeah, that didn't pan out AT. ALL.
Even with that and knowing what the doctors would do differently this time around, I still have this small voice in my head whispering "maybe this time..." Maybe this time the interventions will work, maybe this time I will have a take home baby (I dream about what that must be like), maybe this time I could get to the coveted 3rd trimester. Then I also think maybe this time the baby wouldn't survive, maybe this time my water would break even earlier, maybe this time the baby would arrive even earlier, maybe this time there would be more severe complications, maybe this time my husband and I would have to make heart wrenching decisions that would test our marriage beyond anything we could imagine.
There will not be a " maybe this time" anymore.
Yes, I am well aware that we could continue to grow our family through adoption. I have a few really good friends who have done that. I am not opposed to it, it is just not the right time for us. Our hands are full with two little ones who are very close in age.
Perhaps someday, some way we will be a family of 5.
Friday, October 19, 2012
D-Day
Today always causes me to stop and think. Think about what would have or might have been. I debated writing about this day, not sure if I wanted to talk about it or not. But tonight when Justin came home from work his first words to me were: "Do you know what today is?" I realized that this day will forever be burned into both of our hearts and minds. Today was the day I fought so hard to reach, but came up so very, very short. I won't say that I failed, because I know that I have never worked so hard for anything in my life (until I had to do it all again!). This day was always on my mind each and every moment I watched my son fight to survive and watching him struggle to master skills his peers breezed through. This day was supposed to be a day of celebration and blowing out of birthday candles. Instead it is just another day, and I feel somewhat cheated out of that day of happiness and glee.
Yes, my son survived.
Yes, my son is healthy.
Yes, my son is happy.
That should be enough. But today it isn't enough. Today I am sad. Today I am angry.
I am angry that every year on his birthday I will always be reminded of that hellish day he arrived. There will always be a hint of sadness in amongst the happiness on his birthday.
Today was Oliver's due date. Yet he arrived a quarter of year earlier and changed our lives forever, and in many ways for the better.
The healing from this is going to take a long time.
Yes, my son survived.
Yes, my son is healthy.
Yes, my son is happy.
That should be enough. But today it isn't enough. Today I am sad. Today I am angry.
I am angry that every year on his birthday I will always be reminded of that hellish day he arrived. There will always be a hint of sadness in amongst the happiness on his birthday.
Today was Oliver's due date. Yet he arrived a quarter of year earlier and changed our lives forever, and in many ways for the better.
The healing from this is going to take a long time.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Reclaiming.....me
The process of getting myself back into shape has begun (well it began a few months ago). It is going to be a very, very long road back to the level of fitness I want to be at. This body of mine has gone through a lot in the past two years. two high risk pregnancies with lots of bedrest, two NICU babies, and bouts with depression. These are perfect conditions for my body to expand to unbelievable proportions and to decrease my level of fitness to that of a slug.
I was working out pretty regularly right before I got pregnant with Annalynn. I felt like I was starting to get my life back on track. I was feeling good by physically and mentally. After I found out I was pregnant I continued to work out until my cerclages were placed. That procedure brought all of my upright activities to a halt. I was still able to do some light exercises for my arms and legs, but nothing can really ward off muscle atrophy when you are laying down all the time.
I have returned to the Y for some group classes a few times a week. That can be a bit of a challenge to get to consistently since I have to arrange for someone to watch the kids. There is no way I am putting my kids in the nursery at the Y. Not because I think it is bad or anything, but holy germ fest! Due to Ollie's decreased awareness in his mouth he is constantly seeking input there, so his hands or toys are always in his mouth. Annalynn is still so small that we try and limit her from unnecessary outings and groups of children. I enjoy the people in my classes and it is nice to have an hour kid-free.
This leads me to my other means of working out. Stroller Strides! I cannot say enough good things about this class. It is a preemie mom's dream! The kids are kept in strollers so there is not really any contact between the children unless you want it to occur. My friend, Emily, told me about SS shortly after Ollie came home from the NICU. It took me several months to work up the nerve to actually go to a class. My hesitation was partly due to my lack of any sort of physical fitness and partly due to my depression. Ollie was also supposed to be on quarantine to keep him healthy. I started going in February, which I know is the worst time to take a preemie out. But I needed to get out and after drilling my friend for details about the class I decided to chance it and went to one class. Needless to say it worked out really well for us. The other moms are great and everyone is really supportive of each other. The other moms kept their kids from getting too close to Ollie when he was small. He remained healthy and I got a good workout in. SS also has a once a week playdate after class so the kids can participate in a structured activity. They also have a once a month moms night out gathering. When I was put on bedrest with Annalynn the SS moms organized to bring us meals once a week. It worked out great and my husband didn't have to worry about cooking for the weekend when my mom went home. There does seem to be a misconception about what exactly goes on at a SS class, most people assume that we just walk around with our strollers. We do walk, but only to get to our next station. The workouts are as hard or easy as you want them to be. The instructors show you how to change the level of intensity. The rest is up to you.
It is my goal to be able to run my first post baby half marathon this spring. It is going to take a lot of work, but I need a goal to work toward and I think this is a good one.
I was working out pretty regularly right before I got pregnant with Annalynn. I felt like I was starting to get my life back on track. I was feeling good by physically and mentally. After I found out I was pregnant I continued to work out until my cerclages were placed. That procedure brought all of my upright activities to a halt. I was still able to do some light exercises for my arms and legs, but nothing can really ward off muscle atrophy when you are laying down all the time.
I have returned to the Y for some group classes a few times a week. That can be a bit of a challenge to get to consistently since I have to arrange for someone to watch the kids. There is no way I am putting my kids in the nursery at the Y. Not because I think it is bad or anything, but holy germ fest! Due to Ollie's decreased awareness in his mouth he is constantly seeking input there, so his hands or toys are always in his mouth. Annalynn is still so small that we try and limit her from unnecessary outings and groups of children. I enjoy the people in my classes and it is nice to have an hour kid-free.
This leads me to my other means of working out. Stroller Strides! I cannot say enough good things about this class. It is a preemie mom's dream! The kids are kept in strollers so there is not really any contact between the children unless you want it to occur. My friend, Emily, told me about SS shortly after Ollie came home from the NICU. It took me several months to work up the nerve to actually go to a class. My hesitation was partly due to my lack of any sort of physical fitness and partly due to my depression. Ollie was also supposed to be on quarantine to keep him healthy. I started going in February, which I know is the worst time to take a preemie out. But I needed to get out and after drilling my friend for details about the class I decided to chance it and went to one class. Needless to say it worked out really well for us. The other moms are great and everyone is really supportive of each other. The other moms kept their kids from getting too close to Ollie when he was small. He remained healthy and I got a good workout in. SS also has a once a week playdate after class so the kids can participate in a structured activity. They also have a once a month moms night out gathering. When I was put on bedrest with Annalynn the SS moms organized to bring us meals once a week. It worked out great and my husband didn't have to worry about cooking for the weekend when my mom went home. There does seem to be a misconception about what exactly goes on at a SS class, most people assume that we just walk around with our strollers. We do walk, but only to get to our next station. The workouts are as hard or easy as you want them to be. The instructors show you how to change the level of intensity. The rest is up to you.
It is my goal to be able to run my first post baby half marathon this spring. It is going to take a lot of work, but I need a goal to work toward and I think this is a good one.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
F you PPD
So, a few months ago I wrote a post about how good it felt to be a mother without experiencing depression. Well, depression has once again entered my life and bitch slapped me. I have felt like my life is slowly spinning out of control over the past month or so. It has been a slow downward spiral, which allowed me to ignore the symptoms for awhile. I finally made the call to my therapist and will resume my therapy. I hate all aspects of PPD, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how it makes me short tempered with my children, I hate how it zaps all my motivation to do anything, I hate the awful mood swings...the list goes on and on. It is so hard to acknowledge that this aspect of my life is back. I have struggled with feelings of shame and embarrassment when I have talked about it with my husband and others close to me. I have hesitated writing about it on here. But, this is part of my journey and I refuse to let it control my life any longer. I am dreading the hard work that is ahead of me as I begin to fight back against this demon. Fight back I will, since there is no other option.
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