To understand this title you have to understand my family, we are a bit nutty and flaunt it. My uncle came up with the CHU, CHU,CHU chant. It is pronounced CHOO CHOO CHOO. It stands for Calm Happy Uterus. He wrote it on my goal board. my whole family would chant it during the monitoring sessions. It became a joke with a very serious undertone. The calmer and happier my uterus was the longer I could stay pregnant.
To keep me pregnant a variety of interventions were used. All with the goal of keeping my uterus from contracting, we wanted it to be calm and happy. The drug free methods were drinking lots of water to stay hydrated. A uterus likes to be well hydrated and when it is thirsty it will contract. I was given one of those large thermal mugs and it was kept full all day and night.
Keeping my bladder empty, when your bladder is full it can irritate the uterus and thus cause contractions. This was easier said than done due to the mag.
Laying on either side but not on my back. Laying on your back when your are pregnant can cause a decrease in the blood flow to the uterus and you guessed it, it will contract. Laying on your side sounds easy enough but the bed is not very comfortable and my hips became pretty sore. A few weeks in I mentioned this to one of my nurses and she got me an air mattress to put on top of the regular mattress. It made a world of difference!
Obviously I also received medications to keep things relaxed and calm. The big one was magnesium sulfate. It is not a new drug and it has been used for decades. People respond differently to mag, depending both on your body and the dosage. I had a mag headache for about the first week and a half. It wasn't bad but it was one of those headaches that make you want to knock your head against the wall. I also suffered from hot flashes the whole time I was on the medicine. The mag also made it difficult for me to concentrate and just kind of made things a little fuzzy for me. Mag works on the smooth muscles in your body. Obviously the uterus is a smooth muscle, but so are the muscles in your blood vessels, bladder, and GI tract. The relaxation of my blood vessels caused the hot flashes and my cheeks to be slightly flushed. Warning TMI, skip over the next few sentences if you don't want to know. The effects on my bladder and GI tract were a bit more difficult to deal with. For one thing the mag decreased my sensation that I had to pee until my bladder was full to the brim. It was relaxed so there was no stretch response. So needless to say when I did go to the bathroom I peed a lot. With the relaxation of my GI tract, the movement of things dramatically slowed down. Thus I was introduced to Colace, to help keep things from stopping all together. So, combine the slow movement of my system and being really scared to, ahem, bear down and things took awhile in the bathroom. Ahhh such fond memories. My family kept me well stocked with fresh and dried, fruit and vegetables to further help matters.
I was also given a progesterone suppository every night. One of the doctors explained that they were not really sure why it worked and the theory was that it "spoke" to the uterus to not contract. It is the same concept as the p17 shots that have been all over the news lately thanks to the greed of KV pharmaceuticals.
There are other drugs and interventions that are used to prevent preterm birth. These were the methods used with me.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The calm before the storm
After being on antepartum for 2 days, I finally was moved to a private room. The double room wasn't so bad but the second night I got a roommate. She had been in a car accident and was there for monitoring. It was difficult for the nurses to get her baby on the monitor as it kept moving. Any woman who had had a non stress test knows the sound of the baby moving around, think of when you move the needle on a record player. It was another long night, but I did sleep in between the monitor sessions for my roommate. She was nice and we talked a few times. She also turned on the television. What!?! there was a television in this room, I hadn't noticed.
So the morning of my third day I was rolled down the hallway to my new home. It was a small room but private. Justin and our moms found their way to the new room later that morning. We settled into the new room and they unpacked some clothes for me and some shower items. The view from my window was not the best, I looked at a brick wall. Everyone else was able to see the skyline of the city.
Life found a new rhythm as we prepared for a long wait. My mom started crossing off the days on a calendar. Now that I was in a private room I was allowed to have unlimited visitors and they could stay as long as they wanted. All I have to say is that my family are troopers and can sit with the best of them. A visiting schedule was arranged my mom would come on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. Justin would come on Wednesday and sleep over on the weekends. My aunt and uncle would come on Thursday. For the most part this was the way it went for weeks. Periodically I would have other visitors from my church or out of town relatives. The nurses on the unit looked forward to my aunt and uncle visiting because they usually brought treats: Whitey's and Olde Towne Cakes. They went crazy when there were malts in the freezer for them and requests were made and noted by my uncle. I got a few malts too, but had to beat the staff off with a stick ;)
My days flowed one into the other. I would wake up around 7 when shift change happened and someone would peek in on me or refill my water glass. Depending on which of the three perinatologists was on that week I would see the doctor anytime between 730 and 10. I would order breakfast and chat briefly with Carmen the nice woman who delivered my breakfast and lunch. I would take my morning meds with breakfast (prenatal vitamin and ahem colace). I would have a morning, afternoon, and evening monitoring sessions. checking for contractions, I was so early that I did not feel it when I did have contractions. Usually by 10 my visitor for the day would show up. I would always wait to take a shower until someone was there, I was too scared to stand up that long without someone close by. I got used to dragging my IV pump with me to the bathroom, which was 6 steps from my bed. That was all I was allowed to walk. Every 10 hours I would get a new bag of mag hung on my IV pole. Depending on the week, I would have an ultrasound on Monday or Wednesday to check how things were looking. Bean always was doing really good and moving a lot although I was still so early that I didn't really feel that yet. I continued to lose length for the next two weeks and stopped at 0.3 centimeters. One of the doctors told me that my cervix was "scary short" and anything below 1.0 centimeters is basically classified as immeasurable. The plan was to continue me on bedrest and mag.
The US Open and the World Cup were being held the month of June, so periodically during the day we would watch the matches. My nurses and Patient Care Techs (PCT) would stop in and chat throughout the day. Because I was on mag I had to write down my I's and O's (Ins and outs). So every time I went to the bathroom I had to use a hat to measure how much I had peed. Everything I drank was also written down.
Every 4 days I had to have a new IV put in to prevent infection (I was in the hospital for 48 days so you can do the math of the minimum number of IV's I had. I snagged a few so there were a few extra). I really hated getting the new IV's not so much the stick of the needle, but the burn of the mag. My blood vessels took about 2 days to get used to the mag flowing through them. With each new IV I could trace the path of the vessel up past my elbow from the burn. I once asked one of my nurses why they used such large needles during a day when they were having trouble sticking me. I shouldn't have asked. They use large needles in case they have to give blood or really push fluids quickly.
Somethings that I liked on antepartum:
One of my daily monitoring sessions. Notice Justin's cot in the background? Once he found one he liked we held onto it. That bag above my head contained infant resuscitation supplies. I didn't look at it much.
Justin taking a snooze on the chair that kind of folded out into a bed with a lot of muscle. This is the prayer shawl I was given and slept with every night I was in the hospital.
My daily goal chart. Yes emptying my bladder was a goal. Everything to keep my uterus from contracting.
Justin, his mom, and I get ready to watch the fireworks. I was one of two on gurneys everyone else was allowed to sit up.
So the morning of my third day I was rolled down the hallway to my new home. It was a small room but private. Justin and our moms found their way to the new room later that morning. We settled into the new room and they unpacked some clothes for me and some shower items. The view from my window was not the best, I looked at a brick wall. Everyone else was able to see the skyline of the city.
Life found a new rhythm as we prepared for a long wait. My mom started crossing off the days on a calendar. Now that I was in a private room I was allowed to have unlimited visitors and they could stay as long as they wanted. All I have to say is that my family are troopers and can sit with the best of them. A visiting schedule was arranged my mom would come on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. Justin would come on Wednesday and sleep over on the weekends. My aunt and uncle would come on Thursday. For the most part this was the way it went for weeks. Periodically I would have other visitors from my church or out of town relatives. The nurses on the unit looked forward to my aunt and uncle visiting because they usually brought treats: Whitey's and Olde Towne Cakes. They went crazy when there were malts in the freezer for them and requests were made and noted by my uncle. I got a few malts too, but had to beat the staff off with a stick ;)
My days flowed one into the other. I would wake up around 7 when shift change happened and someone would peek in on me or refill my water glass. Depending on which of the three perinatologists was on that week I would see the doctor anytime between 730 and 10. I would order breakfast and chat briefly with Carmen the nice woman who delivered my breakfast and lunch. I would take my morning meds with breakfast (prenatal vitamin and ahem colace). I would have a morning, afternoon, and evening monitoring sessions. checking for contractions, I was so early that I did not feel it when I did have contractions. Usually by 10 my visitor for the day would show up. I would always wait to take a shower until someone was there, I was too scared to stand up that long without someone close by. I got used to dragging my IV pump with me to the bathroom, which was 6 steps from my bed. That was all I was allowed to walk. Every 10 hours I would get a new bag of mag hung on my IV pole. Depending on the week, I would have an ultrasound on Monday or Wednesday to check how things were looking. Bean always was doing really good and moving a lot although I was still so early that I didn't really feel that yet. I continued to lose length for the next two weeks and stopped at 0.3 centimeters. One of the doctors told me that my cervix was "scary short" and anything below 1.0 centimeters is basically classified as immeasurable. The plan was to continue me on bedrest and mag.
The US Open and the World Cup were being held the month of June, so periodically during the day we would watch the matches. My nurses and Patient Care Techs (PCT) would stop in and chat throughout the day. Because I was on mag I had to write down my I's and O's (Ins and outs). So every time I went to the bathroom I had to use a hat to measure how much I had peed. Everything I drank was also written down.
Every 4 days I had to have a new IV put in to prevent infection (I was in the hospital for 48 days so you can do the math of the minimum number of IV's I had. I snagged a few so there were a few extra). I really hated getting the new IV's not so much the stick of the needle, but the burn of the mag. My blood vessels took about 2 days to get used to the mag flowing through them. With each new IV I could trace the path of the vessel up past my elbow from the burn. I once asked one of my nurses why they used such large needles during a day when they were having trouble sticking me. I shouldn't have asked. They use large needles in case they have to give blood or really push fluids quickly.
Somethings that I liked on antepartum:
- The weekends, Justin would stay and sleep over.
- The staff were so knowledgeable and kind to me.
- Crossing off one more day on that calendar.
- Getting mail.
- Getting to leave my room for the 4th of July fireworks show. I was not allowed to sit up for this so I was wheeled out to the hallway on a gurney.
- Watching the Ellen show in the afternoon. I had never seen the show before, and much preferred it to Oprah. I needed something light and funny and not sober and depressing. I made all my visitors watch the show in the afternoon.
- Getting 4 of those insulated jug cups because I was there so long.
- Walking outside your room. Some women were not allowed to walk at all. I would see them being wheeled in their beds past my room on the way to the ultrasound room.
- Sitting up for more than the length of time it took you to eat.
- There was no socializing between the patients. This was not a rule but more as a result of not being allowed to walk outside your room.
- Long showers.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Goals, Goals, Goals
I was able to meet the second perinatologist in the morning. He basically laid it all out on the line, which I appreciated as I am an information seeker. Even though he was giving me the statistics that I already knew, it was still hard to hear them in the context of my own pregnancy and my own child. I had worked with several preemies over the years and had seen the various outcomes, some were really good and some were devastating.
The doctor gave me the goals that I would be working toward, all while laying down in bed. My first goal was to make it to 23 weeks, 11 days away. The day that I reached 23 weeks I would be given the first of two steroid shots to speed up Bean's lung development. I would be given the second shot 24 hours after the first. He informed me that they were saving 23 week babies but with the baby being born so early there were usually life long complications if the baby lived. My second goal was to make it to 24 weeks when the chance of survival increases dramatically. These babies also tend to have very difficult and long NICU courses and a lot have life long complications. He told me that with every week after 24 the outcome keeps improving. The plan was that I would continue to receive the antibiotic until the lab results were back. I would also have to stay on the mag as long as I was tolerating it. He asked me if I slept the night before and I told him that I didn't, apparently I looked pretty bad. If I did not start sleeping then I would be given medication, which I was not excited about. We discussed the length, or lack there of, of my cervix. He informed me that I would have ultrasounds every week to check the baby and to measure my cervix. I would have one a week, but could have more if the doctors wanted to check things out. I asked him if I was allowed to take a shower, I had visions of not being allowed to shower and having to have bed baths. He assured me that as long as I was allowed to walk into the bathroom that I could take a quick (no more than 10 minutes) shower every few days. He said the kindest words to me then: "being able to get up and go to the bathroom, take a shower, and wear your own clothes is good for the psyche."
After he left the reality of this situation hit me full in the face. Bean's life depended on my body not kicking him out too soon. 11 days seemed like an eternity and the other goals I could not even think about because they were so far away. I once again gave in and cried. I was still crying when Justin and my mom arrived a few hours later. Justin crawled into bed with me and just held me. My nurse arrived around that time and gave me even more goals. I had to try and control my anxiety, drink lots of water, and lay on my side. I was able to take a shower that day. My arm was wrapped to keep water away from my IV. Justin stayed in the bathroom with me while I took the fastest shower of my life, he kept telling me to hurry up. I felt so much better after that shower and putting on clothes. For the first time since being admitted I truly had hope that I would make it to viability. I asked that all visitors be calm and not freak out. My mom said that I had put on my big girl pants. I hunkered in and mentally prepared to stay pregnant. I was NOT going to have a preemie.
The doctor gave me the goals that I would be working toward, all while laying down in bed. My first goal was to make it to 23 weeks, 11 days away. The day that I reached 23 weeks I would be given the first of two steroid shots to speed up Bean's lung development. I would be given the second shot 24 hours after the first. He informed me that they were saving 23 week babies but with the baby being born so early there were usually life long complications if the baby lived. My second goal was to make it to 24 weeks when the chance of survival increases dramatically. These babies also tend to have very difficult and long NICU courses and a lot have life long complications. He told me that with every week after 24 the outcome keeps improving. The plan was that I would continue to receive the antibiotic until the lab results were back. I would also have to stay on the mag as long as I was tolerating it. He asked me if I slept the night before and I told him that I didn't, apparently I looked pretty bad. If I did not start sleeping then I would be given medication, which I was not excited about. We discussed the length, or lack there of, of my cervix. He informed me that I would have ultrasounds every week to check the baby and to measure my cervix. I would have one a week, but could have more if the doctors wanted to check things out. I asked him if I was allowed to take a shower, I had visions of not being allowed to shower and having to have bed baths. He assured me that as long as I was allowed to walk into the bathroom that I could take a quick (no more than 10 minutes) shower every few days. He said the kindest words to me then: "being able to get up and go to the bathroom, take a shower, and wear your own clothes is good for the psyche."
After he left the reality of this situation hit me full in the face. Bean's life depended on my body not kicking him out too soon. 11 days seemed like an eternity and the other goals I could not even think about because they were so far away. I once again gave in and cried. I was still crying when Justin and my mom arrived a few hours later. Justin crawled into bed with me and just held me. My nurse arrived around that time and gave me even more goals. I had to try and control my anxiety, drink lots of water, and lay on my side. I was able to take a shower that day. My arm was wrapped to keep water away from my IV. Justin stayed in the bathroom with me while I took the fastest shower of my life, he kept telling me to hurry up. I felt so much better after that shower and putting on clothes. For the first time since being admitted I truly had hope that I would make it to viability. I asked that all visitors be calm and not freak out. My mom said that I had put on my big girl pants. I hunkered in and mentally prepared to stay pregnant. I was NOT going to have a preemie.
The First Night
Justin and my mom left a few hours after dinner. Justin had to go home and pack a bag for me, my request was for pajamas. I just wanted something soft and comfortable, all I wanted was some comfort. Saying good bye to them was so hard. I didn't want to be alone, here in is this hospital so far away from home.
The unit is very quiet at night. I turned off the lights in my room and stared out the window at the lights of this city that I did not know. Thoughts have a way of creeping into your head and rattling around at night. I hated that first night. I did not sleep at all that whole night I was so scared. My arm was burning from the IV of mag. The bed was not very comfortable and I was afraid to move around too much in case I snagged the IV.
My thoughts were very dark that night. I thought about the fact that I was only 21 weeks and Bean did not have a chance of surviving for at least 12 more days. Even if my body made it to 23 weeks I knew the statistics of babies born that early and they are pretty grim. I thought about Bean being fully formed and looking like a tiny baby, I honestly did not know if I would be able to look at my child if he did come too soon and died. Would we have a funeral to let everyone say goodbye and mourn a life that started and ended far too soon? I wondered if I would be able to go back to work, I didn't know if I could face seeing my friends and clients who had babies. I did not know how Justin and I would recover from this. I apologized to Bean for the failure of my body. I prayed in between these thoughts. Mostly asking God to save my baby. Sometime in the early morning hours before the sunrise I was at the point where I felt like I had to keep praying and if I didn't then I would lose this child. It was an awful awful awful night.
The unit is very quiet at night. I turned off the lights in my room and stared out the window at the lights of this city that I did not know. Thoughts have a way of creeping into your head and rattling around at night. I hated that first night. I did not sleep at all that whole night I was so scared. My arm was burning from the IV of mag. The bed was not very comfortable and I was afraid to move around too much in case I snagged the IV.
My thoughts were very dark that night. I thought about the fact that I was only 21 weeks and Bean did not have a chance of surviving for at least 12 more days. Even if my body made it to 23 weeks I knew the statistics of babies born that early and they are pretty grim. I thought about Bean being fully formed and looking like a tiny baby, I honestly did not know if I would be able to look at my child if he did come too soon and died. Would we have a funeral to let everyone say goodbye and mourn a life that started and ended far too soon? I wondered if I would be able to go back to work, I didn't know if I could face seeing my friends and clients who had babies. I did not know how Justin and I would recover from this. I apologized to Bean for the failure of my body. I prayed in between these thoughts. Mostly asking God to save my baby. Sometime in the early morning hours before the sunrise I was at the point where I felt like I had to keep praying and if I didn't then I would lose this child. It was an awful awful awful night.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Welcome to Antepartum aka pregnant lady jail
Once Justin arrived from parking the car, we started the long process of being admitted. I had no idea how long this process can take, it was further lengthened by the fact that we were dealing with a young person who I think was recently hired. It freaked her out a bit when I would leak tears sporadically, she would always stop what she was doing and ask me if I was okay. I just wanted to get the admission over with and get out of the lobby where I felt like I was on display. We were informed by the uber cheerful girl that we would have to wait a bit until they found a bed for me. This news almost pushed me over the edge and I started crying again. During our wait in the lobby Justin and I were able to sort of talk, we were both in shock. He told me that he had talked to my parents and had called his mom. My parents were canceling their vacation plans and staying in town. I felt so guilty that I was disrupting everyone's plans. After what seemed like hours we were informed that a bed was ready for me and that I would be going to the Antepartum unit (my friend Erin, calls it pregnant lady jail). I was wheeled down some hallways and up an elevator and once again had no idea how I ended up where I did.
We were welcomed to the unit by the charge nurse Rose, she would become a wonderful teacher for me. Upon arrival I recited my name and birth date and was given an ID bracelet. Rose handed me a gown and asked me to change. There was something about shedding my clothes and changing into the gown that made this nightmare all the more real. I was no longer a healthy independent pregnant woman, I was now a healthy pregnant woman who was so close to losing her baby that being in the hospital was my only option.
Once I was changed into the gown I came back to the bed that the nurses had draped in elastic belts, green pads, and pillows. I was gently instructed to lay on either side but not on my back. Once I was laying down the straps were wrapped around my abdomen and sensors attached. I was having my first of many monitoring sessions. The nurses were looking at Bean's heart rate and my uterus for contractions. Then began the endless questions about my health history and pregnancy. Justin sat quietly at the head of my bed while this was going on. After awhile the nurses took the paper readout from the machine and told me that they would be back shortly.
Then the residents and med students came in to ask me the same questions that I had already answered twice before. They also brought with them the added bonus of a bedpan and a small Rubbermaid tote. I had no idea the fun that would ensue when they informed me that I would be having a pelvic exam. The tote contained supplies and the bedpan was turned over and put under my hips. I had to balance on that for several minutes while a nurse held a flashlight so the resident could check me for dilation and took swabs to see if I had an infection. It was such a surreal moment. After they left Rose returned with another nurse and they brought with them an IV pump, bags of fluids, packages of needles, test tubes, a basin with cold water, and towels. She explained that the monitor showed that I was contracting every 3-4 minutes I had no idea I felt nothing. She explained that the doctor wanted to start me on magnesium sulfate (mag) to try and stop the contractions. He also wanted blood work from me to see if I had an infection because that can sometimes cause contractions. They started an IV in one arm and took blood from the other. I asked about the risk of mag on the baby and was reassured that it was safe and they had found that moms who received mag had babies with fewer brain bleeds. Rose told me that they had a whole board of mag babies whose mothers they had cared for. They explained the protocol for starting mag, I would be given a bolus first and then started on a maintenance drip. The bolus was started and my vitals were taken every few minutes. Mag can cause some women to have very nasty reactions. I started to feel warm and flushed and was told this was normal. I responded well to the mag and my contractions stopped. Once I was on the maintenance drip I was also given an antibiotic through my IV, wow did that burn going in and caused me to smell something acidic.
After all this action was over my mom walked into the room, Justin had called her at some point and told her what room I was in, I was so out of it that I had not noticed. Once she was there Justin wrote out a shopping list of things I would need to get through the night, mainly a toothbrush and a contact case I don't remember if I asked for anything else. While my mom sat with me Justin ran out to get what I needed and to get some dinner for himself and my mom. I was too scared to eat, but was given a fruit and cheese plate by the nurses. Through out this day I continued to be weepy and would feel this sense of terror claw its way up from the pit of my stomach, and each time I would hang on by my fingernails to not give in fully to the terror. Once I arrived on Antepartum I began to hear a voice in my head that told me that things would be alright. That voice was extremely faint at first and I sensed it more than heard it, as my shear terror was overwhelming it. I know that it was God whispering to me and my baby that we were being watched over and that we would both be safe in the end. Shortly after the nurses and doctors left the room I silently and desperately began to pray.
We were welcomed to the unit by the charge nurse Rose, she would become a wonderful teacher for me. Upon arrival I recited my name and birth date and was given an ID bracelet. Rose handed me a gown and asked me to change. There was something about shedding my clothes and changing into the gown that made this nightmare all the more real. I was no longer a healthy independent pregnant woman, I was now a healthy pregnant woman who was so close to losing her baby that being in the hospital was my only option.
Once I was changed into the gown I came back to the bed that the nurses had draped in elastic belts, green pads, and pillows. I was gently instructed to lay on either side but not on my back. Once I was laying down the straps were wrapped around my abdomen and sensors attached. I was having my first of many monitoring sessions. The nurses were looking at Bean's heart rate and my uterus for contractions. Then began the endless questions about my health history and pregnancy. Justin sat quietly at the head of my bed while this was going on. After awhile the nurses took the paper readout from the machine and told me that they would be back shortly.
Then the residents and med students came in to ask me the same questions that I had already answered twice before. They also brought with them the added bonus of a bedpan and a small Rubbermaid tote. I had no idea the fun that would ensue when they informed me that I would be having a pelvic exam. The tote contained supplies and the bedpan was turned over and put under my hips. I had to balance on that for several minutes while a nurse held a flashlight so the resident could check me for dilation and took swabs to see if I had an infection. It was such a surreal moment. After they left Rose returned with another nurse and they brought with them an IV pump, bags of fluids, packages of needles, test tubes, a basin with cold water, and towels. She explained that the monitor showed that I was contracting every 3-4 minutes I had no idea I felt nothing. She explained that the doctor wanted to start me on magnesium sulfate (mag) to try and stop the contractions. He also wanted blood work from me to see if I had an infection because that can sometimes cause contractions. They started an IV in one arm and took blood from the other. I asked about the risk of mag on the baby and was reassured that it was safe and they had found that moms who received mag had babies with fewer brain bleeds. Rose told me that they had a whole board of mag babies whose mothers they had cared for. They explained the protocol for starting mag, I would be given a bolus first and then started on a maintenance drip. The bolus was started and my vitals were taken every few minutes. Mag can cause some women to have very nasty reactions. I started to feel warm and flushed and was told this was normal. I responded well to the mag and my contractions stopped. Once I was on the maintenance drip I was also given an antibiotic through my IV, wow did that burn going in and caused me to smell something acidic.
After all this action was over my mom walked into the room, Justin had called her at some point and told her what room I was in, I was so out of it that I had not noticed. Once she was there Justin wrote out a shopping list of things I would need to get through the night, mainly a toothbrush and a contact case I don't remember if I asked for anything else. While my mom sat with me Justin ran out to get what I needed and to get some dinner for himself and my mom. I was too scared to eat, but was given a fruit and cheese plate by the nurses. Through out this day I continued to be weepy and would feel this sense of terror claw its way up from the pit of my stomach, and each time I would hang on by my fingernails to not give in fully to the terror. Once I arrived on Antepartum I began to hear a voice in my head that told me that things would be alright. That voice was extremely faint at first and I sensed it more than heard it, as my shear terror was overwhelming it. I know that it was God whispering to me and my baby that we were being watched over and that we would both be safe in the end. Shortly after the nurses and doctors left the room I silently and desperately began to pray.
My second and last trimester
I was excited to make it to my second trimester. I had been slightly worried about miscarriage during the first trimester. Things were looking good and I was feeling good. My husband and I named our baby "Bean" since we did not want to know the sex. We were so excited to see the 18 week ulrasound that showed Bean totally chilling in my uterus. Bean spent the entire ultrasound laying on his back with his legs propped up, he really felt no need to dance and spin around even though we were hoping to see some action. My cervix length at this appointment fell in the low end of normal. Everything with Bean looked good: beating heart, four limbs, spinal vertebra were closed. An appointment was made for a cervical length check in two weeks when I would be 20 weeks along. I continued along with working and just enjoying my pregnancy. I was a little nervous wondering if my cervix would hold up to the increased weight of Bean.
The night before I had my repeat length check I sent out an email to our family and friends telling them that I had hit the 20 week mark and was half way through my pregnancy. I also wrote that I hoped the second half would go as quickly as the first half had gone. I look back at those words with a sense of irony, I did not realize at that time that I had less than 2 months left of my pregnancy.
We were typical expectant parents who showed off the ultrasound pictures to anyone and everyone, even if they were not nearly so excited to see them. Our families were excited about the addition of a new baby. Bean would be the third grandchild on Justin's side and the first on my side. We did discuss our concerns about cardiac issues on both sides of our families with my midwife. We were given the option of having a level 2 ultrasound to check the anatomy of Bean's heart. We checked with our insurance to see where we could go for the scan, University of Iowa Hospital in Iowa City or OSF Hospital in Peoria. Our appointment was made for June 16th, 2010 at OSF. I would be 21 weeks and 1 day at this appointment. Justin and I were looking forward to the appointment since we were hoping to see some great pictures of Bean's face. Around that time I discussed different ways to prepare for labor and birth with my midwife. She recommended a hypnosis birth class. I looked into it and liked what I read so I ordered the CD set to start preparing at home. I wanted a calm labor experience with very little medical intervention, that is why I sought out my midwife. She had a reputation of really working with women who wanted a natural and calm experience. I will be honest I even looked into a home birth but Justin immediately put a stop to that.
So with those plans in place I went to my 20 week length check full of hope. I really did not expect anything to come of this and did not feel the need for Justin to come along since it would only be a very quick check. I remember laying on the ultrasound table with the ultrasound tech holding the probe between my legs and watching her face crinkle into a look of concentration. I asked her if things were alright and she replied calmly that I had lost some length, but wouldn't tell me how much. She said she was going to call my doctor and see if they wanted to see me, I did not have an appointment as I was only there for a length check. I was told that they wanted to see me right away. My midwife was not working that day so I saw one of the doctors. I waited in an exam room for the doctor wondering how much length I had lost and how serious it was. I had a knot of panic that was in my stomach that I had to keep swallowing or else I would slide over the edge and give in to the panic. The doctor came in and she was very nice and easy to talk with. She told me that my cervix now measured 1.8 centimeters. I asked about having a cerclage but she did not think there was enough tissue left and the risk of nicking the sac was too great to risk. My work duties were discussed and she determined that I could no longer work. She also put me on modified bed rest at home. I went back to my office in somewhat a state of shock. I told my coworkers what happened. I sat down with my fellow OT to discuss what clients she could add to her caseload and who would have to be put on a waiting list until a new OT was hired. I sat down with my boss to tell him what was going on. I hadn't cried until that meeting. I gathered up some files to work on and went home to lay down and try and do paperwork in a horizontal position. My midwife called the next day to check in and see if I had any questions. I asked her if we should cancel the level 2 ultrasound that was scheduled for the next week, she encouraged me to keep the appointment and wanted them to measure my cervix.
The day of the ultrasound arrived Justin drove while I reclined in the seat next to him. The appointment started off fine answering all the endless questions of my health and our families histories. The scan started and things looked good. The doctor arrived and looked at the images then they began the measuring of my cervix. I clearly remember the doctor pursing her lips and sighing right before she uttered the words that would change everything "I am going to have to admit you." I instantly lost it and started sobbing the ultrasound tech handed me kleenex. The doctor told me that my cervix was measuring at 0.8 centimeters and funneling. She showed us the images, I was shocked to see the V that my cervix had become. Justin asked if I could be admitted to the hospital back at home since OSF was 90 minutes away from home. She told him that it was better that I was kept here since they had a level III NICU and any baby born before 28 weeks would automatically be transferred to OSF. Justin was given directions to the hospital and told to take me to the ER since she did not want me walking at all. On the way to the hospital I called work and told them that I was being admitted and would not be back. I also called my parents and left an message hoping to catch them before they left for vacation. I have no idea how we got to the hospital but arrived at the doors for the ER and I was wheeled inside and taken to the admitting area. Justin was given directions on where to park, I was worried that he would not be able to find me. I sat alone in the lobby in a wheelchair waiting to be admitted, trying not to cry with my nose running and kept wiping my face with the soaking wet kleenex I had been given at the clinic. People in the lobby kept looking at me. It was the most alone I have ever felt in my life.
The night before I had my repeat length check I sent out an email to our family and friends telling them that I had hit the 20 week mark and was half way through my pregnancy. I also wrote that I hoped the second half would go as quickly as the first half had gone. I look back at those words with a sense of irony, I did not realize at that time that I had less than 2 months left of my pregnancy.
We were typical expectant parents who showed off the ultrasound pictures to anyone and everyone, even if they were not nearly so excited to see them. Our families were excited about the addition of a new baby. Bean would be the third grandchild on Justin's side and the first on my side. We did discuss our concerns about cardiac issues on both sides of our families with my midwife. We were given the option of having a level 2 ultrasound to check the anatomy of Bean's heart. We checked with our insurance to see where we could go for the scan, University of Iowa Hospital in Iowa City or OSF Hospital in Peoria. Our appointment was made for June 16th, 2010 at OSF. I would be 21 weeks and 1 day at this appointment. Justin and I were looking forward to the appointment since we were hoping to see some great pictures of Bean's face. Around that time I discussed different ways to prepare for labor and birth with my midwife. She recommended a hypnosis birth class. I looked into it and liked what I read so I ordered the CD set to start preparing at home. I wanted a calm labor experience with very little medical intervention, that is why I sought out my midwife. She had a reputation of really working with women who wanted a natural and calm experience. I will be honest I even looked into a home birth but Justin immediately put a stop to that.
So with those plans in place I went to my 20 week length check full of hope. I really did not expect anything to come of this and did not feel the need for Justin to come along since it would only be a very quick check. I remember laying on the ultrasound table with the ultrasound tech holding the probe between my legs and watching her face crinkle into a look of concentration. I asked her if things were alright and she replied calmly that I had lost some length, but wouldn't tell me how much. She said she was going to call my doctor and see if they wanted to see me, I did not have an appointment as I was only there for a length check. I was told that they wanted to see me right away. My midwife was not working that day so I saw one of the doctors. I waited in an exam room for the doctor wondering how much length I had lost and how serious it was. I had a knot of panic that was in my stomach that I had to keep swallowing or else I would slide over the edge and give in to the panic. The doctor came in and she was very nice and easy to talk with. She told me that my cervix now measured 1.8 centimeters. I asked about having a cerclage but she did not think there was enough tissue left and the risk of nicking the sac was too great to risk. My work duties were discussed and she determined that I could no longer work. She also put me on modified bed rest at home. I went back to my office in somewhat a state of shock. I told my coworkers what happened. I sat down with my fellow OT to discuss what clients she could add to her caseload and who would have to be put on a waiting list until a new OT was hired. I sat down with my boss to tell him what was going on. I hadn't cried until that meeting. I gathered up some files to work on and went home to lay down and try and do paperwork in a horizontal position. My midwife called the next day to check in and see if I had any questions. I asked her if we should cancel the level 2 ultrasound that was scheduled for the next week, she encouraged me to keep the appointment and wanted them to measure my cervix.
The day of the ultrasound arrived Justin drove while I reclined in the seat next to him. The appointment started off fine answering all the endless questions of my health and our families histories. The scan started and things looked good. The doctor arrived and looked at the images then they began the measuring of my cervix. I clearly remember the doctor pursing her lips and sighing right before she uttered the words that would change everything "I am going to have to admit you." I instantly lost it and started sobbing the ultrasound tech handed me kleenex. The doctor told me that my cervix was measuring at 0.8 centimeters and funneling. She showed us the images, I was shocked to see the V that my cervix had become. Justin asked if I could be admitted to the hospital back at home since OSF was 90 minutes away from home. She told him that it was better that I was kept here since they had a level III NICU and any baby born before 28 weeks would automatically be transferred to OSF. Justin was given directions to the hospital and told to take me to the ER since she did not want me walking at all. On the way to the hospital I called work and told them that I was being admitted and would not be back. I also called my parents and left an message hoping to catch them before they left for vacation. I have no idea how we got to the hospital but arrived at the doors for the ER and I was wheeled inside and taken to the admitting area. Justin was given directions on where to park, I was worried that he would not be able to find me. I sat alone in the lobby in a wheelchair waiting to be admitted, trying not to cry with my nose running and kept wiping my face with the soaking wet kleenex I had been given at the clinic. People in the lobby kept looking at me. It was the most alone I have ever felt in my life.
Let's start at the very beginning...
Justin and I dated for several years before we decided to get married. We had decided to start trying to have children a few months after we were married. I am a planner and had a grand plan for my pregnancy and delivery. I found a wonderful midwife who I felt in sync with. Justin and I went into this planning to try for a few months with no real expectations of actually getting pregnant, well God had other plans for us. I had a feeling that I was pregnant earlier in the week as I just did not feel right but took a few days off from work thinking I had a mild case of the flu. After noticing that my nausea went away if I lightly snacked all day long, the light bulb went on in my head. We found out on Super Bowl Sunday that we were pregnant! We were excited but terrified at the same time. I had had a cone biopsy on my cervix a few years prior to meeting Justin. We knew that there was a possibility that we may not even be able to get pregnant if there was too much scar tissue in the way. There was also a possibility of having a premature baby if my cervix was weakened too much from the surgery. The doctors did not know how things would go and plans were made that once I got to my second trimester I would be watched closely for signs that my cervix was changing.
My fist trimester went really well. After a week and a half of mild nausea I felt great. I remember having cravings for hummus and peppermint tea. I was working full time as a pediatric occupational therapist, and one of the other therapists was due two weeks before me. It was nice to have other pregnant women around me that I could discuss things with. It was such a happy and exciting time for Justin and I.
I had made no secret of the fact that once I had my child I would be staying home and no longer working. I was looking forward to doing all the things that stay at home mommies do. I was confident that things would go well. I signed up for child birth classes and my husband signed up for Daddy boot camp, all starting in August since I was due in October. We never made it to those classes.
My fist trimester went really well. After a week and a half of mild nausea I felt great. I remember having cravings for hummus and peppermint tea. I was working full time as a pediatric occupational therapist, and one of the other therapists was due two weeks before me. It was nice to have other pregnant women around me that I could discuss things with. It was such a happy and exciting time for Justin and I.
I had made no secret of the fact that once I had my child I would be staying home and no longer working. I was looking forward to doing all the things that stay at home mommies do. I was confident that things would go well. I signed up for child birth classes and my husband signed up for Daddy boot camp, all starting in August since I was due in October. We never made it to those classes.
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