History Does Repeat Itself Just In Case You Were Wondering.

So, it has happened again I have been put in the hospital due to my cranky cervix.  The irony is that this is right about the same time I went in with Oliver's pregnancy.  This time there was some warning, but still didn't prevent me from having the ugly cry in the doctor's office.  I was told and shown on the ultrasound that my cervix had funneled to the stitch and that they wanted to keep a close eye on me.  He did let me go home and pack a bag before I had to go in.  This allowed my husband to leave work early to meet me at home and for me to say good bye to my sweet boy.  It was so hard to say good bye to Ollie, I like spending my days with him and he is at such a fun age of curiosity and exploration.
I feel like we are somewhat better prepared for this hospital stay both mentally and physically.  Right now I have the mindset of I have done this once and I can do it again, just a lot longer this time.  I worry about Justin since he is being pulled in three different directions.  We pretty much knew that at some point I would most likely go in, just not this soon.  I do not have the same amount of terror and dread with this one.  I think it helps greatly knowing the staff here and the routine.  Justin knows to ask for a cot right away and to keep it in my room.  He knows what elevators to take and what bathrooms to use. 
Justin stayed overnight the first night to make sure things were okay.  I had to laugh when he came back from the cafeteria once and said "do you think it is strange that I feel kind of at home here?"  I think that only people who have a chronic illness or a medically fragile child will understand his statement.  We spent about a quarter of a year here and got to know all these people who we saw day in and day out.  Many of these people are still working here.  Yesterday, I had three different people who don't work on antepartum, come to my room to visit when they saw Justin walking in the halls.  It is comfortable here, and my time here will be what I make of it.  Yes, it is scary knowing that things are not going in the right direction.  This time however I have the cerclages in and I have waaaaaaay more cervix than last time.  I still have anxiety each and every time I have an ultrasound, ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power.  I know that the more I am prone the less stress on the stitch there is.  So I will wear my leg squeezers and drink my water and think happy full term thoughts.

So What Do You Do All Day?

This seems to be the popular question asked often of a woman on bedrest.  I try and keep myself occupied during the day.  The more distracted I can be the faster and easier the day goes.  I really try and not think about how much further I have to go with my pregnancy, it is overwhelming and scary to think about.  My days pretty much follow the same routine that they had before I went on bedrest.  I get up when Oliver wakes up.  I still am involved in his care, but can't lift him.  I pick out his clothes and decide what he will eat.  I basically direct his care from the couch.  We play and read books together.  Some days I hang out in my pajamas for awhile but I always get dressed everyday.  Some days I will take a shower, just because I am not allowed much activity doesn't mean that I have to be stinky. 
I pretty much have one or two doctor appointments a week, so depending on where the appointments are I could be gone for half the day or only about an hour.
I am working my way through my reading list which is nice.  I spend a lot of time on www.goodreads.com selecting new books to read and checking out what my friends are reading.  Our Netflix subscription is getting a good workout and I have now watched so many television series it isn't funny.  Every afternoon my mom and I watch the Rachel Ray Show and the Ellen Show.   My Sidelines buddy told me about www.pogo.com which is an online game site.  Those games are like crack, and some days I play a lot of games. There are also quite a few blogs that I follow and I do read them throughout the day.
When my husband is home from work we have been having discussions about all things baby and Oliver.  I am fast approaching viability and we have been debating for a few weeks about what gestational age we would feel comfortable letting the local NICU care for the baby if s/he comes early.  There isn't an easy answer as there are all these unknown outcomes. 
Basically, I just try and get through each day without freaking out.

What not to say to a woman with a high risk pregnancy

When we found out we were expecting our second child and voiced our concerns about the very real possibilities of going on bedrest with a young toddler at home, we were told the usual "helpful" stories of other women on bedrest with other children at home.  My favorite is "I have a friend of a friend who was on bedrest with all of her kids and it wasn't that bad/easier than she thought."  I am calling bullsh*t on these types of stories.  First off, I have no doubt that the friend struggled to some degree.  It is NOT easy to lay around day in and day out.  It is especially not easy to watch someone else care for your child.  It is mentally exhausting to live with the stress of having a high risk pregnancy (after all, doctors do not put you on bedrest on a whim).  It is physically exhausting as your endurance decreases and your muscle mass lessens. 
Now, I know several women who have been on bedrest since having Oliver, all of them agree that it is not an easy thing to do.
I also LOOOOOVE to be told that "things will be just fine this time, you shouldn't worry."  Yes, I certainly hope and pray that things will be just fine with this baby.  I would love to experience a normal pregnancy, but that is not in the cards for me.  As for not worrying easier said than done.  Perhaps, if I was only dealing with my cervix maybe I would be a bit more relaxed since getting the cerclage.  However, the placenta previa has added a whole other level of stress and worry.  I have already had two bouts of bleeding because of the previa.  It is scary to check your pants each time you go to the bathroom.
Also, quit asking me if this will be my last child.  I would just like to get through this pregnancy before making any formal plans about the ultimate size of my family.  I know this is a question that a lot of people want an answer to and I know that since I am batting a thousand for high risk, high stress pregnancies that many people have opinions about this.  I will tell you this: it is a very rude and personal question.  Frankly, it is none of your business about what my husband and I decide.  So unless you are one of the members of my medical team you have no say and no right to ask me about my future plans.  We could be a family of four or fourteen they may all be biological children or we made decide to adopt.   Either way we hope that you will love and accept all of our children, regardless of how they came to be our children.
So my point is writing this is perhaps to make people aware of their words.  I know many are spoken in order to give hope and comfort, but sometimes it comes out the opposite.

As the Womb Turns, Chapter 2

Or, our second high risk pregnancy.  So, how does one prepare themselves to embark on this journey again?  The true answer is that you cannot truly be fully prepared to do this again.  The first time I had some degree of ignorance about the true outcome.  It is true that ignorance is bliss.  I did not have access to the full arsenal of interventions that time.  This time I feel somewhat better prepared to battle the weakness of my body.  Everyone is more informed and better prepared to try and ward off preterm labor and hopefully preterm delivery. 
The first step in the prevention plan was to put in a cerclage, I actually ended up with two.  If you have never had a cerclage all I can say is that it is a truly surreal experience and not one I am anxious to repeat.  Since having the cerclage placed I have been on restrictions.  I was on bedrest for several weeks and just recently allowed to be upright more often.  My doctors have instructed me that I am not to lift anything and only allowed limited activity.  The hardest part of this is not being able to pick up and care for my son.  We are lucky in that we have family available to help us.  So far our moms are taking turns living with us during the week and Justin is on baby care on the weekends.  It is kind of bizarre having our moms live with us, but we are so grateful that they are able to help us. 
I am also taking medications to help keep my uterus relaxed.  My midwife told me about an herbal tonic called Welcome Womb.  I am also taking magnesium tablets which will also help keep things relaxed.  This week my mom and I had the pleasure of learning how to give me progesterone injections.  Thankfully, I only have to have them once a week. 
I have chosen to look at these discomforts and inconveniences as a small price to pay for a healthy close to term baby in the end.   
I will continue to hope for CHU, CHU, CHU.

What About the Fathers?

As I am slowly gestating our second child, I find myself reflecting on my first pregnancy.  Surprisingly, I have not been reliving the traumas, but remembering my feelings of expectations and what was happening in our life at the time.  I remember waiting to hear the heart beat the first time, waiting to feel those first flutters of movement, waiting to get big enough so that people would know I was pregnant.
Lately, I have been thinking more about my husband and how this was all perceived by him.  By the very nature of pregnancy the focus is on the mother and the child.  Fathers can be easily overlooked.  I am guilty of this, it is hard to fully engage with him at the end of a long day when I am past the point of being exhausted and feeling nauseous.  I know that he is feeling stress and pressure from his job.  He is also worried about paying the bills with another little one on the way.  I know that he carries a lot of the fear from Oliver's birth, we both do.  He has never really opened up about what went on during the summer Oliver and I were in the hospital.  When I was in therapy we did discuss what went on to an extent.  He read all the books I read.  While he has never written in a journal, I hope he does find an outlet for all the fear, pain, and uncertainty that we lived with.  I haven't pushed him to open up, because if he isn't ready then what is the point.   
I understand that it can be very painful to revisit those buried emotions, but once you let them out the healing begins. 
So, I guess my point in writing this is to remind us not to forget the fathers.  They need emotional support as much as the mothers.  I think society expects them to be stoic and handle everything that is thrown at them.  These men aren't superhuman even though we would like to think so.  Perhaps NICU's need to have some groups for the fathers to help them through this awful experience.  Having a medically fragile child puts a huge amount of strain and stress on a relationship, and a relationship is not just about the mother.  BOTH partners need support, individually and together. 
So, in this month of prematurity awareness, go and support a father.

Patience

Patience, it is something that I struggle with much of the time (all of the time really).  I have a hard time waiting for things.  I am the person who can't wait to open presents, I am guilty of snooping around to try and find them.  My husband was aware of this trait of mine when he was planning to propose.  When he would come and visit me I would look through his suitcase when he was in the shower trying to find the ring I was sure was in there somewhere.  The stinker kept it in his Jeep!
Since having Oliver I have learned to be patient.  I haven't had a choice in the matter.  I had to be patient and wait for him to be ready to be held the first time.  I had to be patient and wait to nurse him.  I had to be patient and wait to bring him home.  I know that I was being given a lesson to slow down and let things happen on their own time.  Things do not work out how they are supposed to when you rush them.
Since things have settled down with Oliver life has taken on a slower pace.  I honestly like it that way.  I enjoy spending time cooking for my family.  Some of the things I make take a lot a patience, like the yogurt I made this morning.  It takes several hours, but is so worth it.  Sure, it would be very easy and convenient to go to the store and grab some pre-made yogurt, but I like knowing what exactly is in this yogurt.
We also use cloth diapers with Oliver.  Washing and drying them does take some time, but once it is part of your routine it is no big deal.  This of course will get interesting this spring when Pumpkin makes an appearance.  Ultimately, I just like cloth.
So, I am learning to be a more patient person, but I still have a long way to go.    

As if I needed another reminder that prematurity stinks

A new chapter in our lives has begun.  We recently found out that we are expecting our 2nd child.  Instead of feeling excitement and joy at the news we were shocked and scared.  I feel robbed of those good feelings of expecting a new child.  I am glad that we had the meeting with the MFM doctor this spring so we know what the plan of action will be this time.  But there is still that undercurrent of terror that I know both my husband and I feel about this.  I so desperately want those rose colored glasses, I want that overwhelming joy and excitement that expectant mothers feel.  Instead I find myself hesitating to tell people, I am worried that they will question us about this.  I dread the insensitive comments that are made without thinking.  I worry that people will not be excited for this baby, as our experience with Oliver is still so fresh in their minds. 
I feel like an awful and ungrateful person when people ask me if I am excited about this pregnancy, and I tell them that I hope to be there eventually.  I so want to be able to let go of the fear and relax and enjoy this pregnancy.  It is so hard to do when you have seen too much and watched your first child suffer and fight to survive.
I do have a feeling that things will be alright in the end with this pregnancy.  I also had this feeling with Oliver, but the road from pregnancy to a healthy baby at home was a long, hard, scary, and painful road to travel.  I don't want to travel that road again, but ultimately I understand that things are in God's hands. 
My husband and I are hopeful that with the interventions planned for this pregnancy that I will get to term or darn close.  The MFM doctor couldn't guarantee that I would make it to 37 weeks but felt like I could make further than 27 weeks.
We are also planning ahead on some things this time around.  Trying to get some projects done now.  I will have a bag packed in the car once I get close to viability (lets face it husbands and dads pick out really random clothes when you are not there to direct things.).  I am still working out as I anticipate my activity level drastically dropping once I get to my second trimester.  I feel a great need to get things set up and put in place sooner rather than later.  I want to get the room set up this time, there is something special about this that you don't realize until you don't get to do it. 
Does this make me a pessimist?  Perhaps but I prefer to look at myself as a realist. 
So here's hoping for the best.