Anticipation

Hi there!  Yes, we are still here. It has been a really long time since I sat down and wrote, obviously. The last 2 years have been busy.  We are fully settled into our life here, the kids are doing well in school, jobs are going well, we have friends here (yeah!)
Since things are so settled right now, why not change it up in a major way?  No, we are not moving, at least we have not found a house that we like enough to make us move.  We are going to be adding to our family. Oh yes, we are going to be a family of 5....someday...we hope.  We are pursuing a domestic newborn adoption! 
I would often tell Justin that it felt like someone was missing from our dinner table.  It took us about a year of debate, discussions and disagreements to decide to jump in.  Once the decision to adopt was made then the hunt was on for an agency that we felt we could work with.  Let me tell you there is a huge variety of adoption agencies out there, and all have different expectations, guidelines, and hoops that one must jump through in order to work with them. We met with a few agencies and settled on one.
We have gone through the home study process, it was relatively painless thankfully, we had heard horror stories of lengthy and expensive home studies.  So, now we have in hand the document that states that we are a-okay to be parents (whew!).  Then we started the process of putting together our online profile.  Writing a profile that will be used to find your future child is difficult to say the least.  I mean you have to be completely honest about your life in the hopes that some aspect of what you write and the pictures you choose will somehow catch the eye of a birth mother who is looking through all the other profiles and she will pick you.  No pressure.
So, our profile has been posted for almost 2 months.  We are fully in the waiting game now, which, if I am honest, kind of stinks. Living your life while waiting for a phone call that will ultimately change our life is really hard some days. To stay sane I try and not think about it too much, but everyday I have moments where I wonder when it will happen. I wonder if we picked the "right" pictures, did we get too wordy, should we have shared other aspects of our life?
Most importantly I wonder who our child will be.  What will they look like? What will their personality be like? Will they like the hustle and bustle of our house of two older siblings and two dogs? Will they be a good sleeper, or will we be spending the nights on the couch binge watching Netflix?  Honestly, I am kind of scared to raise a healthy term baby.  I mean I know what to do with a medically fragile preemie, that is our normal.  How will I sleep if they aren't hooked up to monitors and alarms, no round the clock medication schedules, no nurses dropping by for weight checks and injections, no living through the winter months in quarantine, no specialists, no developmental appointments. That is the safety net I am used to having around me with a newborn.  
I wonder what kind of relationship will develop with our child's birth family.  Will we be able to reach a point of having a fully open and healthy relationship? We feel that it is important for our child to know their story, and having some sort of contact with the birth family will be so important for that.
So we wait and wait annnnnd wait.
 
 
 

New Beginnings

Springtime is a time for renewal and new beginnings.  Our family has taken this to heart.  New job, new home, new community, new adventures.  We have relocated 3 hours away from our home.  We are writing a new chapter in our life together.  This was a very, very difficult decision for us.  It was hard to decide to move to a place where we knew no one.  It was hard to leave that safety net of doctors, therapists, and teachers for the kids.  It can be pretty scary to take a leap of faith. 
I feel the leap was worth it.  Every step of this process has just felt right.  The pieces fell into place.  Justin moved away to start working before we had sold our house.  He would come home on the weekends.  I was a single parent who was keeping a house show ready with two toddlers.  It was hard you guys, single parenting is HARD and I had a lot of help and support.  Thankfully our house sold quickly.  I bought a house for us in record time.  We had two great realtors who really helped in the buying and selling process.  After our house was under contract I made a day trip to look at houses.  I saw 2 houses (real estate here is flying).  I really liked one of the houses and felt like it was in our best interest to act quickly since in about a month we would be homeless.  Sooooo I wrote the offer and it was accepted before Justin ever set foot in the house.  No worries he liked it.  It is home built in 1880, but has been updated.  The floors give away the age of the home.  None are level...Some rainy day I am going to drop a marble and see where it ends up.  We have a park right around the corner from our home.  The kids enjoy spending a lot of time there.  Our garden is in and the kids are not quite grasping the concept that plants take time to grow.  We are meeting our neighbors and have discovered that most of the town has been inside our home.  Which is weird to think about.
Justin really likes his new job.  He is enjoying the change of scene and the new challenges.  The best part is that our new home is about 10 minutes from his office.  We get to see so much more of him which is wonderful.  We are exploring our new community and have found some really great places for the kids.  The plan for the near future is to basically play tourist and get fully unpacked and settled. 
Thanks to Oliver swallowing a penny we met the pediatrician early.  The practice seems nice and everyone involved in the ordeal was patient with him.  We have also met his new asthma doctor, who I kinda just want to put in my pocket and take him with me.  He is great!  I was pretty upfront about my desire to keep Oliver out of the hospital if we can when he has a flare up, but also wanting his criteria for admitting if needed.  We have tweaked some meds and are on a trial run of some things. 
Anna is taking things in stride.  If anything she has become more independent and expressive of her desires.  Mostly related to her outfits, which is hilarious.  I love to see what she puts together. 
We miss our family and friends, but know that right now this was the right decision.  We are enjoying our adventure. 

Nemesis

Enemies, we all have them.  They are not fun to deal with.  We go out of our way to avoid dealing with them.  If we are really strong we learn to stand up to them and not let them control our lives.  I am my own worst enemy.  I know exactly where the chinks in my armor are and I can land blows with lethal accuracy.  I like many people struggle with comparing myself against others, and I always find myself lacking.  It is an awful way to live and feel about yourself.  I have to work hard to silence my own negative voice.  It isn't easy, and some days I cannot do it.  I am learning to be okay with imperfection. 
Next week I will be running my 4th half marathon.  It is the first one since I had the kids.  I have not gotten in the training miles in like I would have liked.  Life has a way of really getting in the way and things come up that are more important then getting in a few miles that day.  So, even though my training hasn't gone as well as I would have liked I am still going to run the race, because I CAN.  There was a time in my life when I would not have run if I didn't feel like my training had gone well, I didn't want to be embarrassed by a poor performance.  Now I think how silly this attitude was, I mean my first half marathon I did was truly awful, the weather was awful, my fitness level was awful, I came in 2nd to last.  I beat a 89 year old woman, um yeah not the best start to long distance running.  But you know what?  I finished that race, even though that negative voice in my head was telling me how much I sucked at running and that I should just stop and drop out of the race.  I STILL FINISHED. 
I have come so far in the past year of reclaiming me and getting back on track.  I am happily down almost 50 pounds, that is such an amazing number to me.  When I first started it seemed unattainable,  but now here it is right around the corner.  I still have more to go but man it feels so good to know that much is gone. 
So, yeah I am learning to be okay with things even if they didn't go as planned.  I am working hard to silence my nemesis.  Who really needs more negativity in their life.
Accept that we are not perfect beings and start to be happy with that.  

3 years...

3 years, can you believe it?!?  It has been 3 years since we first started walking on this journey of prematurity.  I can honestly say that it has been a blur.  A blur of sadness, terror, and depression.  But it has also been a blur of laughter, and happiness.  The past 3 years have been such a trial for me.  Life really almost took me down, but I am still here, wobbly at times but still standing, everyday a little stronger.  I knew that I was a strong person before this but this has caused me to dig deeper then I ever thought I could, and sometimes I questioned if I wanted to do anymore digging, I was so exhausted.  I have had so much help to get me to where I am today.  There were times that I was so exhausted and numb that I needed someone to drag/carry me to keep me moving forward.
A great many changes occurred in the past 3 years.  Most notably I waged war against some pretty relentless demons.  I still wrestle with them occasionally, but I now have the weapons to win the fight.

Our second blessing also decided to enter the world very early.  17 months ago our lives were pretty much turned upside down by her.  She was blessed with a fighting spirit and man does she show it.  I have visions of her in ruffled skirts and pigtails standing in front of me with her hands on her hips tapping her toe to demonstrate her displeasure in something.   It took her a year before she decided that sleep was a good thing.

I am still working on myself, but have come a very long way in accepting things.  I am getting back in shape and dropping the weight that accumulated over 3 years.  I am learning to not expect perfection from myself.  There are no perfect people.
I feel like I am getting my life back in balance.  I am able to find joy in everyday things.  I am no longer consumed by constant thoughts about the babies and constantly questioning why.  The sharpness and edginess of that are slowly being smoothed over.  I do still get twinges of grief and jealousy when I see pregnant women, or hear about a woman's perfect birth story.  They no longer override my joy in this new precious life, I am able to be truly happy for a woman who was able to birth her baby the way she wanted.
I still have that nagging thoughts of "what if" and  "maybe this time." I am working on accepting that there will not be another baby blossoming inside of me.  I still want another child, and I pray that one will find its way into our family.

I have to say that life has taught me a lot over the past 3 years.  Not all the lessons have been pleasant but I have learned greatly from them.
I thank you for joining me on part of my journey.  Your support means more than you will ever know.

This is one of my favorite NICU songs.  I hope you enjoy it. 

Welcome to the club.

I feel like this past week was "my friend just had a premature baby" week.  I have fielded many calls and emails about these precious new lives born into the world early.  Each time I hear about a new baby born too soon my heart hurts a little.  I physically ache for these parents who are now part of this exclusive club.  This club is special, it isn't one you ever dream that you will become a member of, but once you are your life will never be the same.  New members are welcomed with open arms and given a lifeline that they can cling to, to weather this storm that has engulfed their life.  Veteran members offer advice, comfort, a shoulder to cry on, understanding, and hope.  We have been there, we have seen things that people should never see.  We have felt our hearts shatter and learned how to pick up the pieces and put them back together.  We have born witness to the strength of our babies, and ourselves.  We have felt that weariness that settles deep in your bones when you don't think you can take another step, much less get up and pump for the next 20 minutes.  We know that kangarooing isn't about an animal.  A PDA has nothing to do with teenagers making out in the hallway at school.  A's, B's, and D's aren't grades.  We will support you on this journey, we will celebrate with you, and we will mourn with you because we know some bodies are just too fragile.
So, to all the new members this week, welcome.

Weaning...the Great Debate

Oh to wean or not to wean, that is the question that I have been wrestling with lately.  Miss A is now a year old and shows no sign of stopping nursing.  I know all the great benefits of breastmilk, really I do, I don't think that I am being a bad mom because I am thinking of turning off the tap.  The main reason I am thinking of closing up shop is that my lovely daughter can be a bit physical with her source of liquid refreshment, well actually very, very, very aggressive.  I continue to work on her manners when she is at the bar, but she is so strong and fast that she can easily get in a few pinches, and scratches before I can gain control of her hands.  Then she struggles to free her hands so that she can go back to kneading me like bread dough.  OUCH!  It is a comfort thing for her.  I have tried all sorts of things to get those hands to behave.
So, yesterday I had made up my mind that I was done.  Done with the scratches, the bruises, the constant deflecting of little grabby hands.  Done with her constantly pulling on the neck of my shirts, because she feels she should have access 24/7.  Done with waiting for the next pinch.  Done with feeling like her plaything.
Then last night after she was asleep, I sat on our bed with the hubs and just sobbed.  I thought about how she was the last baby.  How I didn't really want to be done with babies in our house.  Then I thought about how unbelievably hard I worked to get to this point.  How I fought for more nursing time in the NICU so that I would have more of a supply for her.  All those weeks of pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock so that she could eat.  The weight of all that work weighed heavy on my shoulders.

Was I just throwing it away?  Am I being selfish?  Is it okay to just be done?  Should I continue until she is at her due date?  Should I continue until she is ready to be done?  What if she is never done?  Can I take anymore of her grabby hands?

I. Don't. Know.